feel the pain and do it anyway

... is one of the roughest, most violently painful things I’ve ever gone through. Because the tooth was broken into pieces he had to push HARD and pull HARD. Then when he broke it off at the root, he had to get a little drill-saw thingy and cut what was left into pieces at the gumline. The he dug into my gum with something sharp to get out all the pieces. It took 40 minutes, but felt like about 2 hours to me.

Maybe I’m really a wimp, but it was terribly traumatic! I had nightmares about it, when I was even able to sleep.

I distinctly remember a huge “Aha-Moment” when I thought, “It’s JUST pain. It can’t stop me.” It was a revelation to me to think that pain (or fear thereof) doesn’t HAVE TO have power over me. I can choose to do worthy things even if I hurt.

Gotta go through this pain. Gotta face it and get past it. Can’t anesthetize myself forever (over-eating, TV, inertia, sleep, beer). Being without my husband hurts. Period. So… I’ll cry and talk and call friends and go on. I want to DO a little more and wallow a little less. I haven’t been moving forward. Time to suck it up and deal.

(Feat. Lady Antebellum & Hillary Scott)

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
Your glass never empty
And know in your belly
You’re never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You’re never alone

Chorus:
Never alone
Never alone
I¹ll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn’t goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you¹re never alone

Well I have to be honest
As much as I wanted
I’m not gonna promise the cold winds won¹t blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You’re never alone

Chorus

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fear surrounds you
Wrap my love around you
You¹re never alone

Chorus

My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you’re never alone

...they say that very sad people look like they’ve lost their best friends. Being without my best friend for the past seven months has been the hardest, most painful thing I’ve ever had to do.

I just deleted a bunch, because this is too private to talk about. I just don’t feel like anyone would really understand anyway.

I’ll get over it. I may get to see him next month.

Okay, I’m not complaining OR bragging, but feeling very proud of having gotten through all the challenges thrown at me lately. Also feeling a little sore and exhausted (okay, a LOT sore and exhausted…).

School has begun without a hitch (well, maybe one or two – but not big ones). I am proud of how awesome my little classroom trailer looks (if I do say so myself). With the custodian’s help I moved all the books, furniture, and equipment out to another trailer where we got all my “stuff” for kindergarten. What wasn’t there I had to track down, buy, make myself, beg, borrow, or steal (well, not really steal!). I’ve really had my resourcefulness put to the test.

I had to do all this in 10 days, without transportation, no school email, while getting to know the staff and my way around (the campus and the district), between meetings, teacher classes, testing children, etc.

During this 10 days I took a last minute weekend trip to Florida, celebrated a big anniversary, looked for and bought a car, and regretted that I didn’t have more time (and the transportation) to go see my sweet grandbaby, who turned a month old. :-(

I did a lot of unnecessary stuff to my trailer, like making curtains, painting lampshades, and potting plants. It’s important to me that it be inviting and peaceful for the kids, and for me, too, as I will be spend most of my waking hours within those four walls for about 200 days.

Thank GOD for HUBBY who has not only been there with rides when I needed him (well, mostly – I did have to wait a lot), whenever he could. He also has brought me food and smoothies and company when I’ve worked through meals. He moved some heavy office furniture for me and hooked up my computers. The biggest thing is that he took care of all the tedious tasks that go along with buying a car (title, tag, etc.) so I could continue working.

I’ve transitioned into a work schedule that starts WAY earlier than I EVER have at any job, and a looooong commute that causes me to have to leave the house at 6:45 am. (which means I must get my stuff in the car, ready to go – and my outfit and everything chosen THE NIGHT BEFORE). I’m not doing well at getting ready the night before as I’ve been staying and working until the night custodians leave, which is 9pm or 11pm (on different weeks, I mean). Which means I start the next day, rushed and anxious, but (so far anyway) on time. I think I need prayer here.

The last three days, my students have sucked every last ounce of energy out of me by 2:45 each day, BUT I’ve actually managed to keep it together very well (by this, I mean remaining calm, kind, cheerful, and consistent even when I didn’t feel I had it in me) for them, even at the end of the day. Anyone who’s ever worked in early childhood education at the beginning of the school year, knows exactly what I’m talking about!

I have some of the same feelings I had after I ran my marathon. I’ve once again surprised myself by what I am capable of. I believe we are off to a great year in Kindergarten! I may be learning more than any of my students! Though bone-tired, I welcome the challenges to come!

We definitely felt the pain and had to do what was right anyway. I’d been really afraid that when the time came I’d delude myself into thinking he was fine, just so we could keep him with us longer. I really didn’t want him to suffer, but I thought my love might cloud my judgement. I always said I wanted him to live to be at least fifty. ;-)

Friends said we’d just “know” the right time when it came. They were right. It was our love for him that sparked our mercy and respect to be able to put him down. We never had a doubt. It was a relief for him to go (to him, I mean). That was apparent. Our last demonstration of our love was to give him peace and dignity in his death. We’ll always miss him.

Running after a long break is definitely painful for me. I’m attempting to do this later today and just hope my wimp factor isn’t prohibitively high.

I’ve developed this poopy attitude about what it means to be kind to myself. Instead of treating myself to a run, outdoors, with friends, I now treat myself to ice-cream and time alone on the couch watching T.V. Funny how that hasn’t really been helping me feel better (sarcasm).

I need to treat myself better. Hopefully I can “just do it,” get past the painful first few days, and get back in my fitness habit.

The physical pain I felt was worse than natural childbirth! However, the idea of quitting never once entered my mind. I now know why they call calf cramps “Charley Horses.” It’s because it literally feels like a big mean horse has clamped down fiercely on your muscle, with sharp teeth, and won’t let loose. Even after we got the scary spasm quieted, the pain only lessened a little and so from mile 6 to 26.2 I ran with that awful, awful pain.

But, you know what? The power of that painful spasm DID scare me, but throughout those 20 miles I CHOSE not to fear another cramp coming. My calf threatened to cramp several more times, but I’d stretch it and only whimper a little, then smile and run more.

Once, I barely STARTED to think I couldn’t endure it (About mile 19). I was close to tears and cried out in prayer and something supernatural occured then. Believe it or not, ALL my pain went away. It felt like a comforting blanket was draped over me and I felt no pain whatsoever for just long enough to rest and run and giggle out loud, because of how relieved I felt! I wish I could say that it lasted, but it only stayed for a moment before the pain returned. That was enough. God is good. All the time.

before acting – or I’d never do anything! Anything difficult that’s worth achieving WILL entail some painful times. Pain is bad, but letting it (or more likely the fear of it) stop you is worse than bad. It causes painful, bitter regret. Hurt goes away. That regret may or may not.