stop judging myself so harshly

i have a problem with my self image that i really have been trying to overcome.
i judge myself very harshly. im sure a lot of people do evaluate themselves to keep themselves in check. but this is not the case for me. i feel that i am an inadequate when it comes to certain aspects in my life. especially in relationships. i feel that cliche im not good enough feeling. i have endured these negative self inflicted stabs to my esteem for as long as i can remember. i’ve always felt outcasted, i grew up as a frizzy curly red haired, freckle faced, pale skined, bucked toothed, coke bottle glasses wearing nerd, in a house hold of dominicans and middle easterners. that discription of myself is a combination of names i’ve heard repetitively over the years to the point where its so deepin my brain that i now identify myself with the unattractive qualities of my awkward stage that i feel i will never grow out of. i had braces for 3 years and ihad contacts at one point.i have gone and burned myself in tanning beds. i straightened my hair now an then. ive met peoplein my life that encouraged me to stop trying to achieve what im not and embrace who i am. those people did help me. now i am in college. where i have ambitions of finding myself and becoming the best me i can be, while trying to undo the years of negative self talk. the only thing now is i have this new boyfriend. i really like him but sometimes, well a lot of the times he hurts my feelings. and i started thinking i was being too sensitive, but i have come to realize maybe hes being insensitive. i have spoken to him on numerous occasions about what he has said and how it has made me feel. and he immediately gets defensive and starts pointing a finger towards me, and adding things like you are so sensitive which i then agree with. and then he turns whatever i say around by pointing out new flaws about me. he says maybe thats something you need to work on. or will smile at me while i am trying to voice my oppinion which really bothers me and makes me feel like the other does not take me seriously, finds me as a joke, or really does not care enough to talk to me on a level of respect. i tell him all of these things and he then mirrors the entire situation by saying what do you want from me? and a ‘I never do whats right’ attitude followed by a whatever.

i feel like this happens too often. and i feel that there is nothing left that i can do. i have said what bothers me. and he doesnt see it. its as if he thinks he is perfect. adn expects me to be too. hes in his room studying. as i should be. and all i can think about is this. but i feel like the more i try to talk to him about whats bothering me the further we become and the more a break up seems to look good. why am i attracted to someone who i feel adds to the insecurities within me? hes brought my esteem up a lot since i have met him. he has taught me how to drive and helped me get my license. i’ve learned through his examples how to stand up for my self, how to speak and be heard in a crowd. hes taught me the importance of taking care of oneself physically, and intellectually. he inspires me to be a better me and he motivates me not verbally but through example. i look up to him. and when we get into little arguements about crap thats not really that important i dont get made because of disagreements i get made because i feel like he criticizes me, which makes me feel like i have let him down. like im not doing things right. the way my brain works sickens me when i think like this. i feel weak. and i feel like i want him to accept me so bad that when he teases me i feel disgusted with myself adn hate whatever has been called to his attention about me. this extreme desire for acceptance from a person i respect and look up to disgust me. i have absent parents in my life, sometimes i feel like he is my provider. my security, and that without him i will not be able to survive. This upsets me, because i know that this is so unhealthy. And that before i met him i still lived in the same appartment i lived in today, i still had the same job i have today, and i was surviving just fine….i think that writing has helped me. just typing this to myself has made me feel confort in myself, at least i can point out whats wrong, at least i can recognize a problem before it has entirely gotten the best of me.now i just have to make a decision on what i should do for myself.

i think i want to get a job that gives me more hours, then i could afford a car so i dont rely on anyone for transportation. Then i could afford groceries. and i can maybe afford to take better care of myself, physically, and mentally. i want to speak with a therapist. i want a partner someone i can work on me with.
i want to stay with my boyfriend.
but i think if thats going to happen i need to make changes within me. i need to be able to draw a line between provider and boyfriend.
that way i can stop being so hard on myself.
and stay in this relationship.
i need to accept that i am what i am.
i do not have the most supportive parents.
and i need to grow up and stop relying on others to take care of me.
i need to become my own provider.
i need to grow up for me.