see myself as others see me

I did ask my close friends how they saw me:
(not in any particular order)
Easy to talk to, gives great advice, honest, self-enduring, independent, proud, kind, caring, giving, compassionate, empathic, spiritual, insightful, friendly, organized, detail-oriented, thoughtful, impulsive, tenacious, creative/artistic, assertive, beautiful, wild, flirtatious and intelligent.

Most of characteristics I do see in myself. The others I will have to work on seeing them how they see me.

I think I better ask others how they see me… :)

...I can see that I do see me the way other people do. I just need to have a little ore faith in myself.

I usually hate hats. But I got this one because I thought It looked kind of cute. I wear it rarely though. I wore it last night to my fiance’s parents and as soon as his mom saw it she said “she has her hat on”. Then She Said “you look so cute in it you should wear it a lot more”. So I was right when I thought it looked cute. Yet here I am looking for external validation. So is this goal a good one for me? I mean I know I am a Good person and that I am Cute. I know that I get second looks when I go out in public. I get the second looks that the plastic skinny girls don’t get. because I am an individual. I stand out because I am different. I don’t mind being different. I never have, not really. Although there have been times when it was hard to make friends. Now I don’t see it that way. If they want to be my friend good for them if not, then that is their loss. I can say that I can see the good in me for the most part. that others see in me. I Just have to believe in myself more.

Everyone saw me as an insensitive bitch. That’s not the way I want to be seen. For sure. See I am the oldest person in the Do-jo. And also the lowest ranking. So this was a very humbling and hard lesson for me to learn. I was partnered with the girl, jackie, who was helping to instruct me in the beginning. so she was telling me what to do with the kicks and stuff. And this 14-15 year old kid (who just happens to be the highest ranking in the class) was standing over me making me nervous and telling me what to do while Jackie was trying to tell me what to do, which was confusing me even more. so I asked him if we could go somewhere else. Everyone in the class heard me, especially Sensai. SO I screwed up royally. A) because I hurt his feelings B)Because Him Is highest ranking and I disrespected him BIG time. C) he is Sensai’s pet. So I felt really bad and apologized. He accepted my apology. But I am sure that Sensai will still talk to me about it. Either privately or probably in front of the whole class on Thursday, Since I disrespected him in front of the whole class. Whatever I get I totally deserve. I accept total responsibilty for my actions. I just didn’t think before I spoke. I certainly will next time.

Says that I look really good that I look like I am losing weight. and that she can see my cheek bones. I have cheek bones amazingly awesome. I took some of my poetry in to share with her and she said it was really good. she said I should keep writing and Publish a book of them. That they are that good. WHY don’t I have enough Faith in my stuff to believe that? She really Liked them. She couldn’t say enough good things about them. She says I have alot of talent. Everyone has always told me I have a lot of talent. All the way back to 9th grade. When Mr. Pierce used to love to read my poems to the class. I wish I still had those poems. Oh well. No use crying over spelt milk. I have such a creative soul. I need to give it more freedom to roam about the place. I really wish I could see all the wonderful things I am that everyone else sees.

...Were in the mall the other night. And this Really beautiful woman walked past us. We both checked her out. She was that beautiful. Then Ray took my hand and held it tight and said I love you. And I thought to myself Why would you love me when there are women like that in the world. But I said I love you too. And squeezed his hand tighter. Now I have a few theories on this. He says beautiful women like that are ususally stuck up, and treat their men like crap. so He wouldn’t want her anyway. or Here’s the better for me theory: He is so in love with me, that he is immune to beautiful women. (Other than me of course).He is so in love with me as I stated and how well I treat him that he sees my inner beauty and that makes my natural beauty more appealing to him. And I come shining through and am victorious. I have never had that happen before. the guy usually pulls away from me when they see a beautiful woman. It was an uplifting experience for me.

...In Karate class last night.I felt I was doing everything wrong. (I’m a bit of a perfectionist) And I just knew that Sensai Pop Was thinking the same thing. I about broke down and started crying. So I verbalized this to Sensai Pop and Jackie. Sensai Pop Said, “I’ll tell you when to think and I will tell you when to cry”. This made me laugh. He said If I thought you were doing terribly Believe me you would know it. He said I have the concept of what I need and I finally got the down block last night. And I got all my kicks. It’s almost like they were proud of me. But no not me. I was still pushing myself for strength and endurance. It’s like I can’t give myself any kind of credit at all. Why Can’t I just take the compliment that I got everything they wanted me to get in the 4 classes that I was supposed to get it in? They said I did really well in some of the stuff. I need to learn that when someone is compliment Me to say thank you. and that they aren’t after anything they are just being genuine like I am when I give a compliment.

...see the good in me like other people do. I can see the good in everyone else. And I do Mean everyone else. Why Can’t I see the good in me? I look for the good in bad people even. I give the benefit of the doubt to everyone. I finally got the car from my soon to be ex-husband yesterday. He drove the poor thing into the ground. It need s new everything, tires, radiator, water pump, and a few other things too. But Ray says He can fix it. He thinks it will cost about $400 to get the parts. And then we have to pay for the transfer of the title and insurance and inspections and other jazz like that. so for about $600 I will have a car. Not too bad I guess. At least I will have some freedom. And I won’t be dependent on Ray and his parents.