fall in love with someone who is in love with me

I hate this goal…it’s too ideal, and besides…after the year I’ve had, the last thing I really want is the agony of being in love with someone….perhaps I should change it to “meet a great person who is compatible intellectually and sexually who desires a relationship/friendship based on the mutual understanding that there are no strings attached and who means this sincerely and can show me through his/her behavior that they aren’t getting too attached because talk is cheap.”....hmmmmm, I may have to work on re-wording this.

Unfortuneately I know both sides of the love spectrum all to well. First there is the pain you suffer of being in Love with someone who does not feel the same way. You make an attempt to look in their eyes with sincerest devotion, and they avoid contact at all costs. You plan a special evening together, only to find out that they have something important that night they absolutely must get done, and this is often the case. Or you spend every waking minute thinking of what you can do to make this person happier in their life, thinking of what you can do to make them love you…and they never seem to. You spend nights awake, just so you can look at them and listen to them breath as they sleep, and when they leave the next morning to go to work all you get is a quick peck on the lips. You want to explore the world with them, sleep beneath the stars, wake up in eachothers arms somewhere where you can hear rain falling on a tin roof, but they are so wrapped up with not being in love with you that to them you are a childish dreamer, or you are being too sensitive and idealistic. You remember thinking about other periods in your relationship when regardless of what was going on in life, they always had time for you….but lately, they are just dealing with too much shit. And your heart with them, is like rice paper in a hurricane.

On the Other hand.

Being with someone you are not in love with is just as bad. They make an attempt to look in your eyes with sincerest devotion, and you really wish they would’nt because it makes you feel very awkward, so much much that you cringe. They plan a very “special” evening with you, and you wish they’d stop trying so hard and just accept that sometimes the feelings just are’nt there….so you come up with an excuse to blow them off again and you find someone less clingy to spend your time with. You know that you got this person so wrapped around your finger that you lose all respect for them, find them pathetic, and you can’t help but find yourself being curt and at times down right vicious toward them. They become so much of a budren to you, that you begin to wish they’d fuck someone else so you’d have an easy out…or even better, that they fall in love with someone else, anyone…so long as it’s not you. They touch you while you sleep and you turn away. You dont want to make love anymore because “you’ve lost your sex drive…..it must be (whatever excuse)” You are constantly too stressed out from work, life…whatever…and you don’t mean to take it out on them, you never mean to take it out on them, but you always do.

It would be nice for me to be in love with someone who is just as crazy about me. It would be ideal to have a family that I could enjoy attaining some of my goals with. It would be nice to find someone I want to be loyal to.