get in control of my life

my attitude, my behavior, my life, my eating, my exercise obsession, my food obsession, ....where is the balance??? How do I strike it?

I dont wanna live with Tracy. I truly dont think she is a good mother to me. She doesn’t care about me. I truly do blv that this woman hates me. Yesterday she beat me a 100 times for eating the inside of her oreo cookie and then putting it back. Yes, it was a joke…..and apparently a horrible joke. Very childish and stupid, but I didn’t think she would go off like that. I mean, its just cookies. Its not like I killed Duznt Maddu, which I’ve considered on many occasions. I dont know, I guess I was trying to get a smile out of her. Anything to make her laugh just once. she is always mad at me, its like I can never do rite with her. And even if I do, its not like I’m congratulated. I mean I shouldn’t expect to be praised every time I do something good, but I should need for the way she treats me everytime I do something bad. She is the reason why I’m so miserable.
I can’t be happy around her and even for the second that I am, she’s ruin it soon enough. She’s a hypocrite and an evil person. I can’t stand her and I need to get away from her. She probably doesn’t even realize the way her hatred towards me, affects me. This is the woman thats suppose to be shaping me into a woman, but all I’m learning is that my life = Pain and Sadness. I am sensitive and insecure, and I”m sorrry for that. I really am. But I think its because of her. she makes me feel worse and worse about myself everyday and its getting really hard to be happy. Or to even smile with my friends.
I already deal with mess with skool and friends and its like all I get from her is more pressure. And then I put more pressure on myself and then she says she doesn’t know why I’m so insecure and she doesn’t understand why I’m so sensitive. The woman has no idea wut she’s doing and I’m not sure she could stop if she tried. I cant live with her anymore, it just goes downhill all the time. Everytime she speaks I cry. I cry all the time and I cant stop. I am even crying as I write this letter. she hates me, I can tell. I see the anger in her eyes and hear the annoyance in her voice everyday. Grandma’s says she’s miserable, but is that really my fault? She takes out on me and I dont think anyone can help her. And even if someone thinks that they can, I dont want to be the one to test her out. It’s been like this for awhile now and time flew by so fast that I hadn’t noticed. Last nite was the last straw. She makes me hate myself so much. Its like she insisted on getting perfection out of me, I think thats why I started being bulimic. Not that she ever put pressure on me to be thing, but Because she put so much pressure on me, I started putting more pressure on myself thinking it was my fault.
Thinking I was just stupid and retarded and that I was an unworthy idiot for not getting things right. For not doing things the way I was supposed to, the way she wanted. I was cutting and just hating myself more and more everyday. The other day I found venting letters that I wrote, just saying how much I hated my mother and how much more I hated myself. It’s horrible and maybe I do need therapy. But its just so hard to smile and I dont know wut to do anymore. She hurts me all the time and doesn’t even know it. Trying to talk to her is like trying to reason with God, because its no point. SHe’s gonna get her way b/c as she says “She’s the mother and I’m the child”. I doubt myself all the time and I just can’t help it anymore. I have so many dreams. Things i would luv to accomplish. And no being a doctor would not make me happy. Or maybe I’m just a rambling dramatic teenager who is just growing up. But wut if I’m not, wut if its gonna be like this for the rest of my life. If so, I dont think I wanna see tomorrow.
I am telling you this, cuz I think you care. I mean, i’m not trying to put all the blame on tracy, but I think she’s a big part of it. And nO, I dont wanna go back to therapy. I need my dance classes. Truthfully dancing is the only thing that makes me happy in this lifetime. I need it to stay sane. I wouldn’t be able to handle it if my sessions interfered with my dance classes. And with my 3 hours of community service a week, skool work/tests/SAT’s and this internship my mother is forcing me to do I am not gonna have time for anything. Not even for my friends.

I have way too many blogs and what not. I need to to get down to only using a couple of them continuously. I have:

• 43things
• Traineo
• Yahoo
• mYspace
• Facebook

1. Look for my Kelly Peters tapes
2. Get Janet Jackson Tape
3. Decide wut other dance school(s) I am going to this summer
4. Go Grocery Shopping
5. Clean Room
6. Develop SAT study plan
7. Order “Rebecca”

someone I shall not name, is someone I admire and feel intimidated from. I dont know her…personallly, but I’ve seen her in a documentary, so I kinda feel like I know her. But I’m sure so does everyone else, who has seen it. She has come so far, on her own…I dont know. But it seems like, and I’m so jealous. But wut gets me angry is that I am completely infatuated with this woman. I’m jealous of her and love her. It’s so pathetic. She makes me feel so unworthy.

I have this idea that my life would somehow all come into place and be so much better if I were to lose weight. Like losing weight will somehow give me control over my life once again. I’ll be eating better, exercising regularly, have more confidence (meaning loads of sex..lol), have a slimmer face, have more stamina and strength for dance, wont have to worry about my body as much as I do now. Yeah, that seems like control to me. I feel so out of control because all I think about is my weight and how I need to lose it and become something else. So, once I get there I’ll be able to focus on everything else and all my other flaws.

Things I want to Do Before I die:

1. Be/Feel Beautiful
2. Be a Better Dancer
3. Go OUt MOre ( I expect will come when I gain confidence)
4. Have a Schedule
5. GET THINGS DONE

Apparently, my cousin who has been living with me for the past year just had a fucken baby. How the fuck did I not know that he knocked up some girl? Nobody tells me shyt, and everyone in my family knew but me. The baby girl was born Last Sunday and I just found out yesterday. I feel Oh-So sorry for this child. JOrdan is so fucken immature and this girl,the mother is too young. What can Jordan do? He’s barely keeping up with his part time job and his lives with his aunt for free! I am the godmother, but I’m not sure what that entails. I’m scared, maybe I shouldn’t have asked to be the godmother. I’m only 16, but the mother is only 19.

BTW: Great Song!

Today was a happy day. Didn’t feel like killing myself and just about everything went really well. Well, better than most days anyway. I actually was able to list 20 Positive things that happened today, before the day was even halfway done! I wish everyday could be like today…but we’ll see. My new words are Hope and Positivity, cuz thats truly all I have. Without those two things, I would of been killed myself. But today, I’m not ready to give up and die just yet. (even though I was taught the correct way to cut for suicide today)

HOW TO BE A PRINCESS

I am a princess. I don’t live in a big castle with a circular moat or drawbridge, but my father has been calling me his princess for years and my lime green keyring blatantly advertises my status.

Wanna be like me? Read on…

Firstly I think it is important for us to define exactly what a princess is so that I don’t give you false hopes of being able to kiss frogs, which turn into handsome men.

As much as I would like for this skill to be well honed and under my belt, it isn’t and it is a good idea not to strive too high just yet.

Being a princess, for me, is all about a special inner respect for yourself and for others. Princesses are not mean people. Our knives are for cutting cake not for directional back throwing. People love us because we love people and we are a fun breed of woman to be around.

How to spot us? Well, I can only comment on my particular breed of princess, we are the ones who laugh loudly at the movies. You might see us catching up with our girlfriends at the local café; we are definitely the ones on the dance floor, shaking our booty with not a care in the world.

We respect our parents and our friends and we love animals. Kittens and puppies turn us to jelly and some of us (not me or anyone in my close princess circuit) have been known to carry our pooches around in our shoulder bags.

We look after our bodies and our appearances, not to the neurotic level of putting on make up to go to the corner shop, but when we get ready to go out, we really get ready. If considering a princess for a flatmate, bathroom time is usually nothing less than 45 mins in the morning, so you have been warned!

We are in love with the idea of being in love, not necessarily seeing it through. Most of my princess sisters are happily single and we do not rely on a man to keep us warm at night.

We are protective of each other and although we have a beautiful friendly and bubbly exterior, if you upset us or any of our relations, beware the wrath of an angry princess.

We regularly clear out the toxins in our life, so if something isn’t working, we are the first ones to change it. You won’t see us in dead end relationships or in unhappy homes.

We are strength in numbers, spot a princess out and about and you are likely to be amongst thousands of us.

We are strong women, otherwise known as nzgirls. If you are a regular reader of this site, then chances are you already are a princess. In essence, a true princess is someone who is true to herself and all that is important to her.