talk to women

This goal has been stagnant. I haven’t gone out for a while, so my mind has been off the subject totally. Just have to wait. :)

One crucial thing I have learned is that one should never go out just for the sake of looking for a woman to talk to… This sort of includes bars, clubs, etc. Go for you, have a purpose for what your doing. That way, I am able to get what I want done, and if I come across no women during that time, I won’t feel bad. On the other hand, if I do, it is spontaneous and I am not as pressured to go for it. I think less, and therefor perform better. :)

I have a story, haha. I sort of slipped up due to pure shock, and not expecting it…

So I was at Best Buy shopping for family gifts, and just actually arrived. Was heading back to the camera section with my brother tagging along to meet my mom. I arrived, most confident and comfortable than ever in myself, idley stretching as I got there. I immediately noticed two girls around my age looking at cameras. No big deal, I didn’t freak out, I was chilled…

So then I go around the counter with no intention at all to approach these girls, to meet my mom and see what she was up to. I then take notice to one of the girls moving (as I walked over) a camera in the direction I was going, as if she was filming me. So I took full notice and looked over and she gave me a flirty smile and snapped the picture.

At this point it was clearly evident to me that she was flirting, however I never specifically saw a girl flirt in such a way that it looked like it was straight out of the movies. Being taken back by it, I just smiled at her and continued my silent business of loitering while still trying to “crack the code” of what the hell just happened.

So she was now at the other part of the camera section, but I could still see her. I needed to reassure myself that she was really flirting, and not just my imagination. So I glanced over and she did a over the shoulder smile/wink… She did a few other flirtatious things that I can’t precisely remember at the time. At this point it struck me as a game, nothing more than for her intertainment value. I was going to make a move, but I just… Didnt.

It was shock that stopped me dead in my tracks, I didn’t know exactly how to respond and what to do. So I played cool and didn’t take my chance.

So here I am, and yes I feel the worst regret I have felt in a while. The key is, I should have approached regardless. Taken action, it isn’t all about winning so much as its about showing up. I blew an opportunity, who knows what it was. Anyways, yeah that is it.

Haha I can rest assured, I like the feeling of rejection and failure more than I like the taste that regret leaves in your mouth. In other words, I can’t and won’t allow myself to chicken out again.

the talking has been ambiguous at best

I actually confronted my fear of approaching and talking a few days ago, and I feel more confident than ever. It was the first time ever, or at least a while that I talked to a girl. It was hard, my heart was beating so damn fast, but it was the equivelent to a roller coaster, I just had to actually DO it in order to see if I would be scared.

By no means is this goal over with, as a matter of fact it has only begun. Those that care should know that my initial and only goal was to simply dive into it and talk to the girl. It didn’t matter what I was feeling, I knew I would regret it if I didn’t. I knew that if I didn’t break the barrier, my life would stay the same in that area.

I don’t know, I just refuse to let it control me. I destroyed the fear on the spot by forcing myself to do it without a plan. I hope I have helped, because honestly being 18, it was a big step for me being shy since I can remember.

-X

I am sick of the fear itself that stops me from the very act of just “talking” to girls. Yeah, approaching and talking. I am determined to force myself into it, and not focus on caring whether I look like an idiot or not while doing it. My goal is simply to dive into my fear of approaching females, the simple, yet hard way. Doing it.

dissuade me from being anything

meanwhile the local cafe owner has at least seven wives,

various budges walk around with five women,

my stepfather’s extramarital life is unknown

+

no one I know from growing up will write a message

its not like I’m writing myself off

its not like lies are the truth

its not like these people are going to be on my list later

I wish them AIDS, hell, and bad children

something seems real;

there was a young woman I remember once from an organic farm, visiting with home-school children or perhaps her elder sister; she seemed beautiful and even worth waiting for (as stupid and tragic as this sounds; I don’t date anyone right now, and no one seems to);

anyway, she was with her parents sitting and looking deep-veined in the temples, as though recovering or elapsing in some such episode as I’ve experienced, with her parents nagging or hassling her over what is clearly enough a difficulty and one demanded by experience, maybe different and the end of one sector of my heart, and maybe the same and one of those hazy grayed-out delays that sends life for a permanent hiccup, expediting real expenses for real appearances _ _ _

I’d like to know

I thought I overheard her father saying;

=|| I know: they were supposed to fuck ||=

Hopefully its not a drug problem or an abusive boyfriend

Amongst evil banes I don’t want to save anyone from:

1. The Sacrificial Paradigm

2. Heroin
“If heroin doesn’t cause Hell, it caused Hell, and I would wish Hell on those who caused it” [I take it for granted now that some such people may believe no hell would happen without my blame] those who desire should find desire, yet not in any way by my expense [amongst deaths of the soul: principled death, unruled lust, lustful greed, and greed for pain, ‘swords of principle’ not that they are always ‘justswords’other things being as they arethey may be swords in principle alone, and no less sharp]

3. Dying for the sake of something that ceases to be eternal

4. Feelings that evate one’s own good

to some extent I can convince myself that this concerns intellectualism; occassionally I find reassurance, to a large extent however its a matter of self

too many fleeting figures, playing a charade, or seeing me as a charade.

What do I or they miss in me or them?