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Olathe
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I am failing quite miserably at the moment. I don’t know whether my commitment issues are talking or I am just a sadistic individual, but every time I think that I love somebody, I have to keep backstabbing and backstabbing until they finally become fed up and say screw you, Jenna, you’re on your own. I feel horrible about it because I am doing this to my best friend and I can’t stop myself!
Help. :/
I have not always been an angry person; I was always the cheerful kid with a smile on her face despite rampant difficulties, and even now I am not sure that I consider myself so much angry as burdened with well-defined issues in trust. Lately, I have been snapping at my best friend more and more often, and needless to say, this is not okay.
My biggest problems to overcome are those of trust, as aforementioned, and that I have no idea how to be a friend, stupid as it sounds. I cannot honestly say that I have had a true friend in the past, I have been backstabbed repeatedly and so frequently that I lost all sense of what it means to be and have friends to the extent now that because I am so unsure of myself, I hate having friends and I hate being around people. However, to grow close is nearly inevitable, and when I do have these friends, while I loathe myself immensely. When I do grow to trust a person (term used loosely), I end up second-guessing both them and myself and yell and scream until they finally say “screw you, Jenna, you’re on your own.”
I have been doing this to my best friend for nearly two years now and I cannot stop myself. It is a wonder that she even stays around! This snapping and yelling and not being able to trust what she says, that she does enjoy talking to me and thinks that I am a good person, grows more and more frequent: at one point it was once every six months or so, then once a month, now once about every four days. My terror of losing her is turning into what will likely push her away, and I don’t know how to stop it! I cannot stop myself. I cannot trust her completely, and that is the worst bit. This girl is like a sister to me, and I would be devastated without her. Why is it that the one thing that I love most is the one thing that I cannot control my emotions towards, and my fear of losing her is what may eventually break our bond?
I don’t know if I can do this. I mean, it’s one thing to be on vacation and not be around my roomates and say, ” It’s gonna be a new year. I’m not going to let them get to me.” But It’s another thing to be back here and be in the same room with them. I don’t know. I think they’re gonna start to annoy me very very soon. They say they don’t want me to move out next year but I don’t know how much they mean it. The way I act towards them sometimes…I don’t know. It’s so surreal to be back here. At home I’m so happy and so free. Here I feel trapped. It’s like I have to become this other reserved person in order to survive.
I miss my other friends. I saw them last night and man does it suck to know that I probably won’t be seeing them for awhile. I don’t know what I’m going to do. On one hand I want to stick to my new year’s resolution but now that I’m back in this environment I’m not so sure it’s gonna work out.
Things between me and my roomates are better because it’s vacation. In fact, for awhile it felt like things were like the way they used to be. Nostalgia and dreams of the past. But I know that things will return back to normal once we start living in the same room again. This vacation gave me the break, the release I needed but I already know that this is only temporary. Once school starts back up my annoyance will return and I will continue to bottle it in. But it was nice while it lasted.
My mom is just getting to me still….We are so distanced because she always treats me as a child. She never treats me as an equal unless she’s gossipping about one of our family members. Other than that, she constantly looks down on me and that’s the one thing that I can’t take. I’ve never deserved it. I’ve never done anything to make her doubt capability to uphold responsiblity. Never! But she can’t view me as an adult. So now we just argue because there’s nothing else that can come from me expect for anger.
I can’t let go of my negative feelings towards my roomate…I just can’t. I looked in the mirror this morning and was like wow. Look at what I’ve become because of this. I hate this but at the same time I feel so angry and annoyed and so I’m bottling it in. I can’t tell her how I feel. It just won’t turn out well. Vacation is coming up soon so at least I’ll get a 3 week break. But still, people expect us to hang out together and I don’t know how I’ll be able to handle it with other people around. I can’t let it go.
Me and my roomate had a total meltdown today with tears and everything. We basically told each other the truth about how neither of us were “okay.” So I did tell her the truth, just not the whole truth. I left a lot out and I lied a little. She just knows that there are issues I’m dealing with but I didn’t tell what issues specifically. So I’m on radar now but I’m still covering up things. So we’ll see if things change or not. I don’t usually cry…ever. Hopefully things will get better. Or it’ll go back to how it was before and I’ll just have to cover it up better….
