I want to say recently, but really it’s been a long time, I’ve had this feeling of numbness lingering over everything in my life. It comes in varying degrees, but it’s always there dulling not only the pain but the joy. I find myself wondering why other people are so happy, or find something so intriguing or beautiful or fun. Why can’t I see it?

The amount I participate in my community, IRL and on the web, is in direct correlation to how long I’ve been feeling this way – I used to post daily, post poems and prose, express my feelings but I rarely do anymore. What I let out is “surface” stuff, new hair, educational and potentially professional stuff, things I like. The content I consume is still the same, and I feel find commenting on other people’s things but only if I know them, and so often I will type something out only to close the page before pressing send.

I’ve been shielding myself with schoolwork and humour for so long now that it’s become second nature, and I feel like something is missing. I find myself starting to write about or consume something serious but my eyes dart off to somewhere else, avoiding it completely. I don’t feel like feeling, I don’t feel like doing much of anything these days, even my thoughts for the past month and a half that I’ve been travelling and spending lengthy amounts of time alone, have been so superficial because it’s hard to think about the hard stuff.

So, after reading through my small amount of thank yous, I think I have to thank my younger self. I spend so much time cringing at all the things I used to do, so young and naive (and I guess still this way just plus a couple years and a university degree) but at least I felt, at least I attempted to coherently process my life, and at least I wasn’t scared to share it. Thank you, younger self, for writing all these things that I can go back and read (and sometimes cringe at but also smile and tear up). 9 months ago

Thank you so, SO much for the past 10 months of support, cheerleading and grounding advice. I wish I wasn’t too awkward to write this to you for real, because you have been such a wonderful teacher and I really look up to and respect you! I can’t even explain how crappy the guidance I’ve received in the past has been, since it has either been non-existant or otherwise not at all helpful. Some of this is due to the fact that I prefer to be independent and solve problems on my own, but each week at my outfit critiques you always found something constructive to say and I really do appreciate that! You have this amazingly calm and collected demeanor and it’s something that extends away from yourself, and it helped to calm me down and collect my own thoughts. I can’t thank you enough for all the help you’ve given me, I know it was your job, but you’ve gone above and beyond while at the same time doing your Masters and I’m sure a million other things, and that’s something really special. You’re a wonderful teacher, and our program needs more of that. I hope the faculty offers you a permanent place. 13 months ago