I want to say recently, but really it’s been a long time, I’ve had this feeling of numbness lingering over everything in my life. It comes in varying degrees, but it’s always there dulling not only the pain but the joy. I find myself wondering why other people are so happy, or find something so intriguing or beautiful or fun. Why can’t I see it?
The amount I participate in my community, IRL and on the web, is in direct correlation to how long I’ve been feeling this way – I used to post daily, post poems and prose, express my feelings but I rarely do anymore. What I let out is “surface” stuff, new hair, educational and potentially professional stuff, things I like. The content I consume is still the same, and I feel find commenting on other people’s things but only if I know them, and so often I will type something out only to close the page before pressing send.
I’ve been shielding myself with schoolwork and humour for so long now that it’s become second nature, and I feel like something is missing. I find myself starting to write about or consume something serious but my eyes dart off to somewhere else, avoiding it completely. I don’t feel like feeling, I don’t feel like doing much of anything these days, even my thoughts for the past month and a half that I’ve been travelling and spending lengthy amounts of time alone, have been so superficial because it’s hard to think about the hard stuff.
So, after reading through my small amount of thank yous, I think I have to thank my younger self. I spend so much time cringing at all the things I used to do, so young and naive (and I guess still this way just plus a couple years and a university degree) but at least I felt, at least I attempted to coherently process my life, and at least I wasn’t scared to share it. Thank you, younger self, for writing all these things that I can go back and read (and sometimes cringe at but also smile and tear up). 9 months ago