be the one

the best feeling in the world, when he told me he loved my soul <3
i don’t just want words, and not just while it’s convenient, it should be forever :)

I met the tea guy for a reason.

I had an epiphany about a week ago.

The key to unlocking my emotional availability;

I became emotionally unavailable when I stopped being emotionally present.

As soon as I realized what is was that I was not doing, I started. I became present…about a week ago….not only can I hear other people better, I am hearing myself better.

This is making relationships a lot more satisfying.

wow. this has been a journey…and it’s still going places. Besides me being the one, more importantly for me…I think he’s the one.

No more.

I want to just stop and go back to being solitary.

I think I need to hear “I love you”.

I have it in a letter.

I’ve had it said in other ways on a very deep, intellectual level.

I’ve heard “I am so falling for you.”

Feels good. Sounds good. I want to hear it simply. A man who met me 4 weeks ago and decides to give me keys to his apartment while he is away and then asks me to stay once he returns must think I’m the one for him. and this is a man who can count how many people he likes on one hand.

So, I netflix. we planned on movie night friday. but I got tix for a show i want to see on friday. so it took a while for the concept of seeing me friday and then seeing me saturday for movie night.

TWO days in a row. oooooh.

Then, he upped the ante!

He said he wanted to take me to the beach on Sunday.

Then I had to come to terms with that concept. Friday, saturday AND Sunday. my god. we might have FUN and ENJOY each other’s company for 3 days in a row. _{Kitty is biting her claws}

and we’ve been emailing and talking way too much. : )

Oh god. am I going to be like one of those annoying people now?
Geez. I smile when I think about him.

He says the most amazing things to me. I don’t think I’ve met someone who has left me speechless as often as he does.
And I keep doing it to him too.

He wanted to see some of my photos, so I sent him a flickr link.
He wrote me an email in response:

_they are beautiful…
filled with light…you are filled with light.._

He’s really talented. writer. and he thinks that I’m really talented. WTF?

OK, I need to go breathe into a paper bag.
...or I’ll just hide behind this plant for a little while.

P.S. he has a cat.

We went to a great bistro last night.
Me and the Tea Guy I met on the train.
Let’s just refer to him as the tea guy.

Surprisingly I was able to not order goat cheese.

We are totally shocked and delighted by one another.

both afraid of emotional commitment. and both seem to have been searching for each other for a long time. _{dare I say I think he’s what I’ve been waiting for?}

I just lost hope that “he” existed.

Who knows?

We’ll see.

The Kiss: before my descent to the F train….

I could barely keep my legs strong enough to not collapse under me. So soft and purposeful and absolutely electric.

~

isn’t he into me?

I don’t get it.

everyone is into me.

my gay friends are into me.

I’ve got to stop crushing….or maybe I have a crush because he isn’t into me.

So, after yoga this evening I did my locker room routine and then headed out with my ipod. Dance music was the theme.

Got down to wait for the N,R,W or Q at US. All the lines were taking a while so I just started moving to the music I was listening to. Today I happen to be wearing black leggings (they say “Silence The Macaco in red” and a very tight black t-shirt. Just about every curve is visible, so I figure if I combine that with the fact that I am dancing by myself, some men may be inclined to stare or approach. I had on my invisible shield. don’t come near the cage.

Anyway there was this man standing on the platform staring. Not rudely. Sort of like his eyes were glued and he didn’t know how to look away.

Train came, we got on. I don’t sit on trains (feels lazy), so I held one of the poles and kept moving to the music. This guy was just STARING. He was actually staring at my face though. Not ogling. But he was watching how I was moving.

Finally I decided to look him in the face to let him make a decision. Something I do. I give this look that says “If you’re gonna be looking at me then I am going to stare back at you and you decide whether or not you have the balls and the intelligence to say something that I am going to find relevant….think carefully.”

He looked like a deer caught in headlights, but he jumped to speak to me;

“Are you a dancer?”

“hmm, in spirit? quite so. I’ve been studying yoga for some time and I recently started a modern dance workshop at the Mark Morris Theater.”

“Wow. He’s got an amazing dance group.”

“I know. You know I studied as a child at the Bronx dance theater and my parents took me out because the theater moved and they didn’t feel like driving a few extra miles. It was one of the biggest heart breaks for me. So, I recently found out about this workshop and signed right up….(Shaking my head yes and smiling with very bright eyes…also wondering why I am being so forthcoming to this stranger) Kind of felt like I was reclaiming something that was taken away from me.”

“You have a great face.”

“Thank you.”

More staring and smiling.

I ask what he does.

“I’m a yoga instructor.” ....Kitty’s eyebrows arch.
“And I am a director.”

We go on from here noticing the things in common.

He says I seems very involved in artistic expression.
I tell him I’m a singer/songwriter….had no need at that point to say that I’m also the website director if www.nycpocket and the Senior Account Executive, Sales Manager, Hiring manager, Internship coordinator, Co-creative director, Copywriter and designer for The New York City Pocket Travel and in Japanese Guides. :-\

This job is not who I am. Who I am just happens to work very successfully at this job. So, I don’t normally mention it to people.

Anyway. He asks if he can take me out for a cup of Tea.

I love Tea.

I usually get a tight knot at this point when someone says they want to take me somewhere. I let myself open up to the idea instead, and I handed him my card. Told him to email me. Email will be good, as I can’t remember his name…Ice blue eyes and a goatee. Very light spirit. he was giving me a lot of light.

When he emails, I am going to accept his invitation. I am going to be myself. I will bring him the amount of energy that I am known for to the people who come in contact with me. I will not be afraid. I’ll just let it be whatever it is.