love my mom

This is had for me and it makes me sad as it would make you. I know you love me. I am the week one. Just give me time. I

It has taken a lot of forgiveness to love my Mom. Forgiving her for not being there for me when i needed her, for not standing up when we all needed her, and for playing the victim in countless scenarios that she could have had a hand in changing. I sometimes hated my Mom growing up. I felt that she was a woman without a backbone. A person with no sense. She claimed to be very religious and tried to cram it down my throat, yet she’d never read the Bible and would pick and choose beliefs. She would always bring up religion whenever i would try to talk to her about something and be very defensive about her choices, even when it was plain that they had been hurtful to herself or others. I never once heard her apologize for anything. I moved out when i was 17.

The only thing that has changed in our relationship is that i have forgiven her for the past. I am 24 now and didn’t want to continue with that. It was time to let it go. I accepted that she is who she is and while she certainly made mistakes and continues to make mistakes, she has also done some things right too. I thank her for diapering me and feeding me when i was a baby, for reading me books when i was a little girl, and although my teens was where it all went bad, i know i was pretty difficult to get along with too.

When i go visit, sometimes we still get in those old arguments, but i just tell her that if she’s going to be that way, i’m headed home because i don’t need it. She likes for my husband and i to come visit, so she usually backs off her high horse and quits preaching about her beliefs, etc.

I don’t hope that my Mom and I will ever be great friends the way some mothers and daughters seem to be, because that is unrealistic. I have accepted that she will never be the Mom i want her to be, but that she is the Mom i have. I can definitely say that i love her, wish the best for her, and am glad that i let go of the resentment for the past even though the memories of it will always be with me.

Now, since Thanksgiving is coming up, she’s been calling me a lot, trying to set up her plans with us. If i hadn’t forgiven her, i might be trying to avoid her instead, but i’m not. Instead, we’re going to coordinate who bakes what and all eat together as a family.

I noticed that I have animosity towards my mom. I am trying to figure it out. I really love her. She raised two kids by her self and has struggled the entire time. Both my brother and I are grown up now (he even has his own child) and I am now seeing things from my childhood. She once said how when my father left that I had my bags packed and wanted to go with him. She also said, in that same breath, that I told her I hated her when I wasn’t allowed to go. I was probably around the age of two. I don’t remember this, but what she said about this popped in my head today when I realized that I had such ill will toward her for no reason. At least I thought it was for no reason. I want to love my mom because she is great. I do love my mom, but now I want to feel it. In my heart. I love you mom.

My mom and I were never really close with one another, so I am trying my best to catch up what we missed in the past.