I go for long periods of time without being on here and it’s usually because my picking is so bad I can’t even admit to myself how bad it is by way of writing. That or it’s actually not nearly as bad as it COULD BE which, in a twisted way, makes me feel as though it’s better enough to not be worth thinking about too intensely. This summer was really, really good for me. I lived in a tiny apartment in NYC with my best friend, working a competitive internship and exploring the city. I still picked, but not too badly. I simply didn’t have the opportunity to, as much. Then fall quarter rolled around, and I had to move back to my regular apartment. My roommate was studying abroad, my boyfriend and I had broken up, my other best friend had already graduated. I don’t think I’ve ever been more alone in my life. And it showed. My picking, along with my anxiety and various other compulsions, got wildly out of control. Somehow I still felt okay, good even, because as we all know, heeding the compulsions (or as I often think of it, feeding the demons) feels all too “good,” in the worst way. Now I’m on winter break and living with my family again and actually having people around reminds me to look at myself as others might and well, I’m a complete mess. It’s bad, guys. It’s really bad. I have a constant, horrible pain in my back from bending over to pick at my skin. My arms, which were previously my respectable area, always clear and soft, are now pocked with minor craters and inflamed spots. I can’t leave my goddamn body alone. Any of it, hardly. My skin, honestly, is quite clear naturally. It’s simply the hairs, the slightly raised pores, the microscopic imperfections, I create so much trouble where there ought not to be. I seek it out. I run my fingers over and over and over and I pinch and squeeze and scratch the terrain of my skin and I hate every single second of it. But I can’t stop. It’s bad, guys. It’s really bad.
I can’t give up, though. Especially not now. After reading even a few of your entries I’m reminded that I’m not alone in this and many of you have already inspired me with your amazing persistence and willpower. I’m going to use my frustration to fuel me. Sick of this. Absolutely sick of this. 15 hours ago