It’s been almost a month and well, my picking hasn’t gone away yet. I’m realizing more and more how this will be a constant struggle but it will also get easier if I stick with my good habits and am persistent in attacking the disorder.
It’s hard because my list of priorities shifts every day and things (that should be important) always, always get pushed to the wayside.
I’m in that mid, stagnant point of summer and am self-avoidant. I don’t want to think about anything regarding my life/future because it causes anxiety, but the truth is the anxiety is there anyway, and not facing it doesn’t make it go away. It only allows it to manifest in things such as picking.
There are things I MUST start incorporating into my schedule again. Running has always been good for me. Writing, too. I love, love playing guitar but somehow push that away, too. I live in fear all the time that I’m not doing enough, I’m not doing enough, and in turn I end up doing nothing at all. It is this insistent and stupid paradox that dominates my life.
I’ve started working as a barista, well, been training like crazy because it’s a new place. I love it there, mainly because of how consistent it is and I know my expectations when I’m at the espresso machine. Everything else in my life seems up in the air.
But I can’t let it take over. The very fact that it is the most consistent thing in my life says something about how I’m ignoring my passions and basic human Hannah needs.
The picking…well, I’ve got to get back into the battle. I’ve got to admit I’ve been letting it control me lately. I’ve got a bad skin infection on my knee and in various other places. Don’t feel so great. I don’t want to be like this anymore. 5 months ago