Figure things out

I’m all confused about a lot of things.
& so I’m taking a vacation of sorts to figure it all out.

shrug lifes funny like that.
right when you think everything is good & perfect,
you start to doubt yourself. ha.

I’m not unhappy,
just confused. really really confused.

I gotta figure out what the things are I need to figure out. So technically, the things I gotta figure out are the things I gotta figure out. But, in order to figure things out, I guess I gotta figure things out before I can even start to figure the things I wanna figure out, to figure them out.

Go figure.

I have been going with the flow for abt 3 yrs now and every now and then I wonder where does this lead….

lot of mushrooms poop up immediately. Im married and happy…happy like never before. Is it coz m not working or am I too laid back…need to figure this out. Hope to get better clarity by next month.

It feels good to stay where I am right now, but I think this is a false feeling. It’s more of a feeling of “safety”, because to change things I have to leave my comfort zone. Then I think, if it’s so uncomfortable, then why do I have to leave it?

This is not the life that I hoped for. I have so many dreams… I have stayed thinking for too long. I’m aging and that affects the things that I hoped for.

I’m going to talk to a life coach tomorrow. I can’t really afford a life coach, but this is a free session. What I really need is a parent, but parenting days are over. One has gone to heaven and the other one needs now my help, it’s my time to help her, but I didn’t fully developed myself. I feel alone, not lonely but I am living alone a very small life. Being an only child, I never wanted this. I wanted a big life, big house, lots of people, children, family, things to do, places to go. This 9 to 6 job takes all of me. I’m so tired when I get home I barely have time to clean and figure out bills. I work 6 days a weeks and on my only day off I sleep half of it.

I’m still fighting to hold on…am I wrong?

This is what’s kept me from moving on with my life. I’m just floating, moving sideways. I need to figure out which way I’m going, or perhaps keep going in the direction I was, but with peace that my plans are well with God.

I can’t stay in fear believing that I’m going against God’s wishes. This has kept me so stuck, when I was one of the most driven people I knew. I wonder if it’s the devil the one stopping me.

I do have to figure things out. I can’t really afford therapy to do this, but I haven’t been successful on my own. It might be costing me more not to get help but how can I be sure that I get godly council. I don’t see many references in the Bible on how to fix your emotional problems. I wonder if this is even important (how we feel) for God in the grand scheme of things.

Certain things that I figure out I am amazed—as if the answer was an epiphany/realization & others—such as math problems are just normal.

Every day I get a little more information about life. By the time I die, I should be a very wise woman… and dead. Go figure. http://littleworksofheart.typepad.com/heartbeat/