Trust my instincts

I think this is one of those goals (for me) where once I set it, I completed it. I had a long history of trusting my instincts, so it was in me to reacquire that trust pretty easily.

Got to use my instincts when it came to deciding if I wanted to join the local Toastmasters club. While I could really use better speaking skills, something irked me about the whole thing. Maybe the people were too businessy. Some clung to slightly annoying stereotypes. Maybe they just weren’t as insightful as I was hoping.

Instead I came across this guy who posted an ad for comedy writers, no experience necessary. And he liked my idea. And he has a similar sense of humor. Sweet!

I used to trust my instincts. I have good instincts. Apparently being isolated from any real friendships and being in school (even though I don’t like school) ruins that trust though.

The instincts will be back, though. It just takes time and conscious effort.

...and as things progress i am more and more sure about my accuracy. I have the guts to go with the instincts, but i am still missing something essential to make this work for me.

This is an evolving process. It’s mush less of an abstraction than I once thought. There is more action than I initially anticipated. It’s really all about making choices and trusting in those choices. I am doing that much more. The more I do it, the more confident I feel about it. It is definitley one of those things that lends itself to the theory of perpetualy motion.

there is a reason. I think everyone is born with intuition but it gets suppressed as we try and please everyone else, ignore our own thoughts and feelings, and then in the end, don’t know how to recognise when our gut instinct is trying to tell us something. I am getting better at this, but need to relax more and take more notice of it. Will keep it on my list to remind me to relax and focus on it more.

I have been trying to let go of her for a long time now. She, it, something keeps pulling me back. I know she is toxic. Her demeanor, her life, her home, her family…all toxic. I was so in love with her once and then, nothing. Just going through the motions, I guess. I have known for a long time that this was over. I just didn’t want it to be. Not b/c of any love that I may have felt. But I lawys felt obligated to stay. I felt like I was supposed to be her savior. I felt that I would be able to leave when I helped her get on her feet. I felt that I could change her. I felt that she was a victim of fucked up circumstances and that I was going to make her past hurt less.

She really loved me at one time and I know that. Just like I loved her with all my heart. What I was holding on to was not love. Maybe it was my sense of social responsiblity. For some reson I am always attracted to tragic cases. Why do I want to save people? I have to save myself now.

The next person that I get involved with will be an equal. I know that I can do better. This time I won’t settle b/c of some feeling of obligation. I lost way to much in the long run.

This time there is no going back, no matter how many tears. No matter how many times she calls. No matter how much she thinks she may need me or how much I feel that I may need her. It’s not worth it. I am so sorry if I hurt her. But, I can’t keep hurting me. I hope that she loves again. I hope that she does not hold on to the pain. I wish that I could avoid having her blaming me, but I doubt it. To her I will always be the bad guy. I wish that I could make her understand that I am just a different person than I was at 19 than I am at 24. Unfortunately she is still the same @ 26 that she was at 21. I hope that she will realizes that haer past and her surroudings don’t define her.

If only I could say these things to her and have her understand them. Maybe that is more me wanting to ease my guilt and less about me wanting to ease her pain.

There is something in my gut saying that I need to do something big and significant. or maybe something big and significant is going to happen. Whatever it is, it does not feel angsty of woeful like most of my feelings have been as of late. I don’t really know this feeling. I want to say optimism, but as a likelonf pessimist, I’ mnot sure. I’m going to try to ride this out though.

Well, the out-of-area jobs I last wrote about in relation to this goal did not pan out. That said, I have no regrets. I think I was right to trust my instincts about a particular region being good for me (I still believe it would be), and I think I was right to trust my instincts that said not to relocate without a job-in-hand in this economy.

Fast forward.

Learning to start trusting my instincts in small ways (like exploring certain possibilities), made it easier for me to really trust my instincts and accept a great local job with a company that just “felt” right. I didn’t sit back and over-analyze; I had logic to back the decision, sure, but I really just decided instinctually.

Perhaps a small thing for some, but a big thing for me. In fact, I’m going to mark this as complete – because this is the biggest “trust my instincts” decision I anticipate having to make for some time.

Funny – so tuning into the universe and trusting it, I am realising all sorts of things… that the people I wanted to impress for so long, and those who I was so impressed by… well actually I think they are full o’s! That I have been clinging to long past-it r’ships because I have been too insecure to let them go. Not bc I’m so good at cultivating and maintaining r’ships. In fact, some of them, I’d be much happier if I let go of them. Nice not to be haunted by the ghosts of times past.

So it’s not just tuning into the universe and what it is letting me know, it is tuning into myself and what makes me happy and what I am prepared to accept or not, what I want. Who I am. But then, isn’t it one and the same?

I welcome it. I really feel that I can trust myself and there is no greater confidence, or life gift than that.