Trust my instincts

...and as things progress i am more and more sure about my accuracy. I have the guts to go with the instincts, but i am still missing something essential to make this work for me.

This is an evolving process. It’s mush less of an abstraction than I once thought. There is more action than I initially anticipated. It’s really all about making choices and trusting in those choices. I am doing that much more. The more I do it, the more confident I feel about it. It is definitley one of those things that lends itself to the theory of perpetualy motion.

there is a reason. I think everyone is born with intuition but it gets suppressed as we try and please everyone else, ignore our own thoughts and feelings, and then in the end, don’t know how to recognise when our gut instinct is trying to tell us something. I am getting better at this, but need to relax more and take more notice of it. Will keep it on my list to remind me to relax and focus on it more.

I have been trying to let go of her for a long time now. She, it, something keeps pulling me back. I know she is toxic. Her demeanor, her life, her home, her family…all toxic. I was so in love with her once and then, nothing. Just going through the motions, I guess. I have known for a long time that this was over. I just didn’t want it to be. Not b/c of any love that I may have felt. But I lawys felt obligated to stay. I felt like I was supposed to be her savior. I felt that I would be able to leave when I helped her get on her feet. I felt that I could change her. I felt that she was a victim of fucked up circumstances and that I was going to make her past hurt less.

She really loved me at one time and I know that. Just like I loved her with all my heart. What I was holding on to was not love. Maybe it was my sense of social responsiblity. For some reson I am always attracted to tragic cases. Why do I want to save people? I have to save myself now.

The next person that I get involved with will be an equal. I know that I can do better. This time I won’t settle b/c of some feeling of obligation. I lost way to much in the long run.

This time there is no going back, no matter how many tears. No matter how many times she calls. No matter how much she thinks she may need me or how much I feel that I may need her. It’s not worth it. I am so sorry if I hurt her. But, I can’t keep hurting me. I hope that she loves again. I hope that she does not hold on to the pain. I wish that I could avoid having her blaming me, but I doubt it. To her I will always be the bad guy. I wish that I could make her understand that I am just a different person than I was at 19 than I am at 24. Unfortunately she is still the same @ 26 that she was at 21. I hope that she will realizes that haer past and her surroudings don’t define her.

If only I could say these things to her and have her understand them. Maybe that is more me wanting to ease my guilt and less about me wanting to ease her pain.

There is something in my gut saying that I need to do something big and significant. or maybe something big and significant is going to happen. Whatever it is, it does not feel angsty of woeful like most of my feelings have been as of late. I don’t really know this feeling. I want to say optimism, but as a likelonf pessimist, I’ mnot sure. I’m going to try to ride this out though.

Well, the out-of-area jobs I last wrote about in relation to this goal did not pan out. That said, I have no regrets. I think I was right to trust my instincts about a particular region being good for me (I still believe it would be), and I think I was right to trust my instincts that said not to relocate without a job-in-hand in this economy.

Fast forward.

Learning to start trusting my instincts in small ways (like exploring certain possibilities), made it easier for me to really trust my instincts and accept a great local job with a company that just “felt” right. I didn’t sit back and over-analyze; I had logic to back the decision, sure, but I really just decided instinctually.

Perhaps a small thing for some, but a big thing for me. In fact, I’m going to mark this as complete – because this is the biggest “trust my instincts” decision I anticipate having to make for some time.

Funny – so tuning into the universe and trusting it, I am realising all sorts of things… that the people I wanted to impress for so long, and those who I was so impressed by… well actually I think they are full o’s! That I have been clinging to long past-it r’ships because I have been too insecure to let them go. Not bc I’m so good at cultivating and maintaining r’ships. In fact, some of them, I’d be much happier if I let go of them. Nice not to be haunted by the ghosts of times past.

So it’s not just tuning into the universe and what it is letting me know, it is tuning into myself and what makes me happy and what I am prepared to accept or not, what I want. Who I am. But then, isn’t it one and the same?

I welcome it. I really feel that I can trust myself and there is no greater confidence, or life gift than that.

hypno-ing myself on this one.

Trusting your instincts is harder than it sounds – at least when it comes to big, potentially life-changing decisions. Fear and a desire to be “rational” seem to cloud the issue an awful lot – at least for me. Add in the fact that I had a foobar, er, “growth experience” a few years ago where I followed my instincts and things didn’t turn out exactly as planned, and it may be understandable that really trusting my instincts again has become a difficult, complicated endeavor.

Recently, I’ve been working on getting a new job and relocating (i.e. getting a job as an out-of-area candidate and then relocating). While I’ve been considering multiple geographic regions, my instincts have unilaterally screamed for me to return to a particular state. However, it seems most everyone I know thinks I should go somewhere else – either because it’s cheaper, or because jobs are more plentiful, or just because they’re not personally familiar with where I want to go, or because they have different overall life motivations.

I’ve tried to sit back and be logical about it, so that I can ultimately make informed decisions (i.e. I know people are making suggestions from a place of love/support and I don’t want to completely discount their opinions); I’ve even gone so far as to apply for jobs in multiple regions so that I’m not strictly focused on one area. However, once I really decided to trust my instincts (and trust the Universe to provide), things really started to pick up in “state X” and I’m feeling good about the possibility of things working out in my favor.

It’s not a “done deal” until I have a signed offer in-hand; however, as a result of trusting my instincts and having faith that I know what’s best for myself, I’ve been flown up for two third-round on-site interviews in different cities in “state X” – both of which would be perfectly acceptable. I’m praying that one of these positions will be “right” for me at this point in time (and, hence, yield a job offer); however, I think I’m ultimately more grateful for simply finding the ability to trust my instincts again. That’s pretty darn cool.

I have always felt the need to weigh outthe pros and cons of every single situation. I think because I am often times such a people pleaser that I want others to be happy despite the fact that it could very well harm me. But dammit, the buck stops today. I am a terrible judge of character so it takes me so long to open up and then I end up trusting the wrong fucking person anyway. I will go with my first instincts these days and see where it leads me.