be kinder to my mother

The few regrets that I have are slowly fading. I’m remembering more of the really good times we used to have when she was still well. I also find myself talking to her in my mind. I tell her what the weather is like, notice pretty things and describe them for her…Some would say that it’s foolish. I don’t think so.

So, I continue to be kind to her even though I can no longer visit with her, or call her just to say hello. But since she is no longer just ten minutes away, or just a phone call away, I feel that this goal has been completed. What do you think, Mom?

I did the very best that I could. Yes, I regret not spending more quality time with mom. I regret that my own home and family, and my illness, took up so much of my time.
There are always regrets.
But I loved her dearly and deeply. She knew this. In all of nature…all of life…there is no bond that even comes close to that of mother and child. A mothers’ love is truly unconditional and she taught me what that really meant, and how to love in the same way.
And though I became impatient with her at times, I was kind to her at least 97% of the time. To not lose patience, or get angry with someone whom you are that close to would be impossible. This is how we learn to appreciate our beloved family and friends. I must learn to accept this.
My biggest regret is that I had not hugged her for quite some time because I’ve been sick. Any virus or bacteria would have killed her because she had severe COPD. So, in trying to spare her, she died not having felt the joy that physical contact gave her. I robbed her of that. ...I keep trying to convince myself that she felt all the hugs and kisses I bestowed upon her as she lay dying. That she felt her hand in mine…but in truth, I’ll never really know if she did, or not. It hurts to think about it. So very badly.
I have to bury the cold, empty body that used to be her, tomorrow. I know that one of the brothers who abandoned her so many years ago will be there, and I don’t know how I will react to that. I would like to think that I will react gracefully, like my mom. And with forgiving tears, like my mom. Guess I’ll find out in 15 hours.

My mom was rushed to the hospital this morning. I couldn’t reach her on the phone, so the building superintendant went up to check on her. She found her on the floor, unconsious.
My husband and his crew,(He’s a firefighter.), were first on the scene. I could do little because I was babysitting my 6 year old grandson.
When I was able to get to the hospital, She was incoherent and moaning with every breath. She didn’t recognize me. I stayed with her for 4 hours before coming home to eat something, and had a good cry on the way. Nothing had changed. I went back for another 3 hours tonight and they had sedated her. It was wearing off at 9:30 and she was becoming very aggitated, trying to get up and pulling at the electrodes and IV. They gave her another shot and she went to sleep. So I came home.
The phone rang at 10:30. It was the doctor. She told me they were moving her to the ICU, and that she was in critical condition. So now I’m just waiting. The Doc said she’d call if my moms’ status took a turn for the worse. My heart is breaking.

I was finally able to convince her that she needed to be back in the hospital Saturday. I’m afraid she has lost too many brain cells from lack of oxygen though, to be able to take care of herself in her own apartment. She, or even we, can’t afford a nursing home and I am loath to force her into one anyway. She will not even talk about moving to an assisted living place in which she would still be on her own but, have the convenience of medical services should she need them. And to move her in with us would be a horrific strain because of the small size of our house. 7 rooms with one bathroom, four adults and a six year old grandson, add her to the picture and she’ll have a space of about a nine 1/2 by 7 room. Half of the dining room. What little is left of our marriage is already in danger of crumbling and part of the reason, so my husband says, is lack of privacy. What the F#$K do I do NOW!???

My poor mother is very ill and depends on me for everything. She only lives 10 minutes away from me and when I’m healthy, doing everything isn’t a problem. I’m happy to do things for her. I love her dearly. The problems start when I’m not healthy, and can’t ‘jump’ every time she calls. Then the guilt trips start flying, along with accusations of me having time, or being well enough to do other things like…do my laundry, make sure the dishes are clean, etc. ...and she succedes in making me feel like the most horrible daughter that ever walked the earth. Then I get angry. Then I dread looking at the caller ID because I think it’s her.
I have to learn to ignore certain things. She’ll be moving on soon,(She’s dying a very slow, painful death.), and I want to be able to enjoy her company while she’s still here.