improve my self esteem

I always seem to be apologising for myself. If I taste my friend’s foods I always say something like. “this is lovely, I wish I could cook” (I can cook). I also say “I love that dress but it would look a rag on me” “well he is a disobedient dog but he needs someone clever to train him , me I am useless”. I even lie about my background to justify myself then feel bad about lying. Problem is people then believe that I am useless and it becomes a vicious circle. I want all of this to stop.

yeaaaaaaahhhhh =)

took down that picture… even though it was pretty funny
read to the boys
did math and english with hanna
did ABC with Kaleb, and he wrote the H and K!
encouraged and complimented the kids
didn’t get mad at J about the chips-
I didn’t even talk to him about it!
didn’t say more than one quip about Jacob going out
let j go out without any argument
got a lot of work done
paid bills
washed dishes
played with the kids
made a nice list for jacob
cheered people on here
enjoyed myself
didn’t look at only the bad side of J going out
downgraded the threat!
tidied up
made a great dinner
gave the kids treat
sang to the kids

this is just getting worse as time goes by at school…

I CAN RUN IN MY DREAMS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

See, it used to be that whenever I was dreaming and I found myself in a situation where I had to run, I couldn’t do it. No matter how hard I tried, my legs would start pumping and my feet would move but I stayed in the same spot. I can even remember one specific time; I was with a friend, we were trying to run away from something and she said “come on, run!!” I looed down at my feet running and running, realized I wasn’t moving, and said “sorry, this must be a dream. I can’t run.” I went online and found that being unable to run in your dreams means that your self esteem is low.
But guess what? I CAN RUN IN MY DREAMS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to improve this about me more than anything, I’ve had a problem with it for a while, i dont know how to stop feeling so down but its been a big drain on my life.

any tips on how to do this would be ace

this is the list of what its cost me so far:
-Girlfriend
-Friends
-2 Jobs

i never fell good enough for anybody i was put myself down

so, I REALLY looked at myself today, and well, it’s not good.

I have the breasts of an 80 year old. and the vagina of a 90 year old.

My ass is actually living in my upper thigh. my thighs, have only been getting wider, each and every day. my ass is pimply, perma-bruised, tough, hairy, impossible to touch, and ugly. Red, brown, and bumpy. My vagina is saggy, and wrinkly, and loose. It HANGs there. It’s moldable. stretchy. Horrifying.

my stomach is not one of those thin stomachs I thought I had. It sticks out over my jeans like I’m trying to look thin but can’t

i look top heavy. I have terrible posture. My shoulders are meant for someone twice my size.

I’m really disappointed. I am having trouble not wondering why my husband is with me at all. It’s not like I’m nice or anything. It’s not like I’m a good person. It’s not like I treat him really well, or give him everything he needs.

I make my whole family miserable, and I do it with THIS FACE. This ugly, misshapen, pimply, scarred, mangled face- this face that makes the most horrible expressions of sheer hideousness- this face that only someone who’s never seen it up close could love…

Everything I’m supposed to be, I’m terrible at.

did I mention my breasts are so thin and saggy they won’t stay in my bra?

I’m 23. I weigh 103lbs

My 3 children have destroyed my body. A lifetime of constantly being shat on, and having a husband who is very into perfect womens bodies, has destroyed my self esteem.

I am so lonely, angry, hurt, horrible to everyone, and full of self hatred that I wish I was not living.

No one wants to help me. I ask for help and get no help.
I try to help myself, and life gets in the way.

I need to shower but I don’t want to look at my body.

so…

timing is electric, break a copper wire
turn the whole thing on it’s side line and we make a brighter fire
I’ve never met another someone with a something quite like you,
it’s another day without a way to spoil my flaws the way you want me to…
don’t ask about the future if there’s not one
don’t make me one of those girls
freedom is a terminal affliction
the jail I’m in is this world.

here’s been talk… but without the party I could care less. Everyone talks anyhow. I’m proud of me, and that’s all that matters.

Dec 19, 05:15AM PST | Edit | Delete | 0 comments
Untitled — 10 months ago

Who to look good for?

I want people to not think I’m fat.
I want people to not think I’m ugly.

Plain, is fine.

Looking my best, the way I think is best, for Jacob, always. For others, if I can.

He says he wants to look better to feel better about himself.

Jul 31, 2007, 09:33AM PDT | Edit | Delete | 0 comments
um.. no — 1 year ago

caring what people think of me is a main motivator for many of my other goals, so I’m gonna leave off this for a while… I think it’s for the best.

May 26, 2007, 10:29AM PDT | Edit | Delete | 0 comments
I would have to: — 1 year ago

stop shaving,
wear my clothes until they fall off,
wear something even if it is not clean looking, stained, etc.
do things that are right for me, even if others don’t think those things are cool

I don’t wear makeup, or follow trends, and I don’t have any hair.
I am capable of this… but it’ll probably take a good few years to make it to the point where I’m willing to.

Apr 26, 2007, 09:22AM PDT | Edit | Delete | 0 comments