survive the holidays

we went to a local bar and had a few drinks and ate. Laughed a lot with friends and listened to music. My husband said it was good to see me loosen up. He said it was time to cut me off when I started changing the words to margaritaville to blaming men! Well, I’d say that sober! LOL But we had fun. God knows I need 2010 to be better than 2009.

I got to spend a few minutes with everyone. there weren’t any major blow ups or boo hoo sessions. No one violated me. Yes, some irritation and frustration but overall a great christmas. Now New Year’s and this will be complete. So far no debilitating depression but I’m on point with my meds.

thanks to relentless shopping on Saturday and Amazon.com. Just have to wrap them. Got the cards out a week ago. I’m actually enjoying a Christmasy kind of feeling. I don’t feel bah humbug! I feel the light of love and giving in my heart. May I hold on to it until December 26th!

OMG! Christmas is in 10 days! I thought I had more time but I haven’t been loafing either. I’m just going in so many different directions!

I don’t hate Christmas but it always leaves me feeling one of a few ways: disappointed, depressed, warm and happy, a part of family, alone and miserable, violated and angry, tired, resentment, stressed, longing for the things I do not have like children, bored, over spent, feeling like I should do something or give something more but not knowing what. I understand that “Jesus is the reason for the season” and his birth should bring us hope. When I go to the silent service at my father’s church, I feel that hope. It’s just difficult to sustain that hope once I leave. I wanted to help make the world a better place but I feel like I’m in a basement that is sprouting leaks faster than I can patch them. Yes, I feel better about the leaks I can patch but I feel overwhelmed by the ones I can’t reach. christmas should be a time of focusing on what I can and have done in the past year instead of being so full of doubt.

After reading John Grisham’s book several years ago, I have entertained the thought of skipping Christmas now and again. This year, I wish I really could make this thought a reality.
But how can one do that when you have 3 kids who are desperately clinging to old traditions and eager to start new ones?

Don’t get me wrong…there are so many things I love about Christmas – the spirit of it, the music. But this year, especially this year….there are painful memories associated with it. Last Christmas was a nightmare for me and the kids. Somehow, miraculously, they don’t seem to be affected by all the preparations going on around them in the community.
Yet, it’s affecting me.

I guess I’m a date person…so I remember where I was last year at this time and even though things in my marriage were bad, I had no idea of what lay ahead – the pain and anguish that would follow for months. Unfortunately, Christmas Day was the turning point….the line that was drawn between my old life and my new one. And while there is a tremendous sense of freedom and hope for a peaceful future, I still have a long road ahead of me.

I just keep telling myself that next Christmas we’ll be in a better place – a place of our own, hopefully I’ll have a decent job and we can put all this behind us. But this year is a healing year and, much like grief, can’t be rushed. If it were up to me, I’d just hibernate and wake up in the spring. But my cubs are counting on me. So this Christmas, I just want the strength to go on.

I knew it would be bad….seeing that this day would be starting at 3:30 am. Ugh. I seriously considered just staying up all night….BUT I had to put in a 6 hour shift at the bookstore later that morning.

Yes, I got sucked into the Black Friday hullabaloo. My sis-in-law and niece were over for Thanksgiving and they kept talking about all the “deals” going on and alas, I got caught up in their frenzy.

Now, I do have my limits. For instance, I wasn’t going to be heading over to Old Navy at 3 am. I mean, who would get up that early just for clothes??? Apparently, my niece and hundreds of others. I did ask her to try and snag the free Lego RockBand game they were handing out with any $20 purchase. No luck. But she did get the $15 sweater she was after.

No, my weakness was Target, which featured a few items I suddenly decided I couldn’t live without ($5 puffy vest! Come ONNNNNN!) It was a disaster from the beginning. Right down to the point when I finally reached the 2-mile long checkout line, I discovered my purse was missing. I quickly abandoned all of my hard-won treasures and focused on the fact that I was STUCK at this mall until the purse was found since my car keys were in it! Soon it was 6 am and time for my work shift at the bookstore. Somehow I walked in there (sans purse) and managed to dole out pleasantries to customer after customer, all the while blocking out the screaming going on inside of my head.

At 8 am it was break time and I sprinted down to Target. Miraculously, the purse had been turned in, but still, I was slightly jaded by the whole experience. The items that I frantically started recollecting had somehow lost their appeal. All in all, it was a happy ending and I bought only half of what I had started out with. Plus, this is the first time in a long time that I’m more than halfway done with my Christmas shopping….and it isn’t even December yet. Woo hoo!

“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.” —Friedrich Nietzsche

I can safely say I’ve survived…and I’ll do it all over again next year.

would be to actually get started. I haven’t bought a single Christmas present yet. Last week was all about birthday presents, so now I’ve got two weeks to buy everything. Why do I always end up putting everything off until the last minute?