Since the start of the New Year I have been in a slump and so I haven’t been posting much the past few days. I’ve become restless, unmotivated and I would randomly start crying. I thought if I took a few breaks away from home I would feel better but that didn’t quite work – it only made me realise how bad my circumstances is. I had so many thoughts circulating through my head that I don’t know how to articulate them:
- I don’t know what career I want to do in my life. I keep hopping in between menial jobs that I don’t find satisfying and they’re not leading me anywhere.
- Recently the word ‘family’ has become a sensitive topic to me. I’ve become resentful and envious of everyone’s parents and freedom. I feel terrible for feeling this way. I have always told myself I am a good girl so why do I get treated with abuse? Why can’t I have a normal life?
- When people do treat me with kindness like saying ‘it is not your fault’ I want to cry because I don’t feel like I deserve such kindness. Being told I am lovely, nice, and inspirational by people – I find that very hard to believe sometimes. My parents has always enforced the belief that I am worthless and I can’t shake that feeling off even though I know it’s not true.
- Which leads to my next point. I don’t feel like I deserve my partner – he should be with someone better than me and who is more convenient to be with. He has so much going in his future whereas I don’t feel like I do. But him leaving me is not what I want, it is just my negative thoughts doing all this talking.
- I’m somewhat worried that I am on the verge of going back into depression the longer I keep dwelling on these matters.
- I don’t really know what steps to take to move forward. I want to have a life with a direction, it’s only possible if I move out but it’s really hard for me with such and such problems described above.
I’m not one to share my personal problems usually so I’m sorry this is depressing.20 months ago