live my own life

for most people this could come from a very selfish point of view, but in reality is a safe and healthly position to be in. i am no longer controlled by what others feel or think of me. i already am my own person and i do what i deem is kosher to me.

lately i’ve had great boundries and people have not controlled me. i love it! makes you feel invincible.

i live with my boyfriend, he wanst agresive before moving in. now he’s always jealous and threatens me EVERY DAY of my life. I can’t talk to him about my day at work because for him “i have an affair with my boss and all co-workers”. from work to home its 25min driving at speed limit… i have to be home in 15min. i’m tired of this. Then he complains about me being so quiet and showing no confidence with him…”my beloved husband who loves me more than anyone else on this earth”. Now he carries a gun..loaded and has fired at the furniture and ceiling to scare me when one of those moments of massive jealousy. I need to get away from him but he has all my money.
i explained to him i can’t live that way….every weekend is the same thing. threating and slapping me in the face, he even hit me in the head with his gun (mmmm…. that hurt like hell for a week and a bump that thanks God wasn’t visible because of my hair).
He wasnt agressive this weekend but this morning he called me at work asking where was i and why he couldnt hear me typing if i was at the office. this is sick.. im so afraid of the person i sleep with. sometimes he even wakes up in the middle of the night angry at me because he was dreaming i was dancing or having a good time with another guy. he’s my worst nightmare. im afraid all the time. i can’t socialize like a normal human being…. im afraid he’s following me and beat me if anyone says “hi” to me. he made me stop talking to the few friends i had. he placed a recorder in my car to have evidence i get out of work and drive with men in my car, he placed a camera in our bedroom to prove i was having an affair with his uncle who lives in the same house.
i can go on writting for hours about things not so bad as the above and some worse than that.
mmmmmmm…. i feel big relief just by talking about it…i feel good. i dont care if no reads this but is helping me to bring out all thats trapped inside me and going back and reading it makes me see it so clear that i dont deserve this type of life.

i want to live my life the way i want to. i want to be free from fear and i want to fill my life with confidence and joy. i want to stop becoimng somebody else and be myself only.

of course i want to live my own life who wouldnt no one wants someone else to live there life for them.

Well it’s going OK on the eating front. Not so good on the running around doing things that I feel I should do rather than things I want to do. Also, not sure how I feel about OH – probably a bit more tolerant than when I wrote the original post. I know he loves me; and I think he really might be trying to change.

I’m going to try really hard to eat healthily, exercise etc etc to set a good example to OH (as well as getting myself healthier).

Yep.. i’m 22, got a stable job, graduated with top honors and have led a clean, decent life… but still, my parents treat my like im 12 or something and i feel like i let my teen years pass by without anything worthwhile happening.. this has got to stop.. i gotta take over my life…

I want to live my own life and find self fulfillment in living everyday. To be able to find joy, success, and confidence in what I do and who i am is my dream. I don’t want to worry or even think about what other people think of me. I want freedom from fear and self doubt and live happily learning from my mistakes. This is my hearts desire.

I want to do what i want and be friends with who i want to be friends with and go out and date who i want. Not let my parents make my life up for me. Sure they think they are doing the best for me, but it feels like i’m in jail. Never being able to go outside or do anything or be friends with who i want to be friends with, i’m not a child anymore. My mom always told me not to take candy from strangers, but now since im not a child anymore why not try their candy? It could be for the better.

This morning I woke up with worrying about many things. All of sudden, it seemed like lot of bad things would happen to me; being used by other people just because I was too nice and wish-wash.

Then I thought about when I had talked to my 60 year old friend, telling me ‘I am taking charge of my life’. He said that because I was still shy about telling people and explain to them how and why I decided to go to a community college to be a nurse instead of building up my career as a musician.

Then I realized.
Before going to work this morning, I would stay worried about dealing with people at work, Or I could stop worrying and actually start doing things.
whichever it is, it’s up to me.