not be upset if I don't have kids

the birthday party for my two year old godson last weekend sort of shifted things for me. the parents of all the kids in attendence, looked ragged. I mean, they were not a happy bunch of people. Cute kids and all, perfectly well behaved.. but those parents looked like war veterans, tired, not really friendly, they looked like they were enduring a root canal at the dentist. I do not want to sign up for that life! Yikes!

my good friend h is newly married, totally in love, and just had an adorable baby girl! I am so happy for her and I love her, and it’s all great, but after looking at her blog and pictures last night, it hurts that sore spot, where I have wanted all those things too. and now I feel like I have been dropped off in a remote desert, so far away from any starting point. It’s like I’ve gone so far away from what I want, I feels even worse than starting over. I’m over exaggerating of course. But I had these crazy dreams last night and woke up in a funk. It is bad timing right now that my closest friends are all totally in love and having babies. I need some depressed, single friends to hang with…....

Im OK with it. This time next week I might not be – but I’ve been OK for a few months now really so I thought I’d tick it off the list. At the end of the day, for me, this goal might as well be “Not be upset that I’m not a man” Or “Not be upset that I haven’t won lotto”. It’s something that just isn’t going to happen for us (or highly unlikely anyway), and I have to make sure my life is full and happy without kids. I guess I’m lucky in that the choice has been taken away in a way. It’s not something I can hope to happen and always be disapointed.
I do still get a bit maudling when I see gorgeous babies on the tv – then I get a reality check with a screamer in the supermarket so it all works out :)

I’m getting to that age, where I am among the few women left in my circle of friends who does not have children. I continue to have mixed feelings about it all. My friend c just finally got pregnant after three miscarriages and two and half years, and I am genuinely ecstactic about it. But at the same time, I feel my old sore spot stirred up a bit, it’s like a deep hole in my heart that I try to tune out and ignore, and usually I can quite well. Also, my friend h has a new two month old, and while she complains about lack of sleep and poop and sore boobs, in the end she says she is completely falling in love everyday and reports it truly is a blessed miracle. I’m sorry, how am I supposed to not want to have that experience? I want to fall in love, have sex, drink expensive wine, and feel the love of bringing life into this world. Okay, I’m getting a bit melodramatic here, but thank god this is all anonymously posted!!!
Eventually, I imagine time will answer all things, I cannot see around the next corner. In the meantime, I have a very sad spot on my heart that is probably just post-break up ache.

has been quite difficult to say the least.
my wife of a decade refuses to give in & have a child with me. she has her reasons and they’re all good except for ONE; i DON’T have any kids of my own and i want to be a father more than anything else. she has 2.
DAILY i LIVE at the crossroads of life – careful not to step away, yet burdoned with each grey hair. this problem has chiseled away at our love. i can remember wanting LOVE most of all. those days are long gone.
now all i want is to be a father.

a picture of the sweetest newborn baby boy…...oh, he looked like a perfect cherub! those babies stir my hormones something terrible. I need some quick contact with teenagers to set me straight! asap.

I”m so utterly exhausted….. I can’t imagine having to care for another little human. right now, I’m feeling like it’s good I don’t have kids! definitely not ready right now.

And I will be posting my thoughts on this topic there for now.

I dug out my paints and art supplies and found a collage I had made two years ago. It was during my high time of really being in baby mode, my uterus was at the helm so to speak. I had made a collage with baby/family themes, including a ring and pregnant woman looking so blissed out and beautiful. Now, two years later, I have the ring and hardly wear it, and finally the baby urges are giving way to reality and common sense. It seems that I have been riding out a hormonal storm! Those darn hormones can be dangerous! I think my hormones could be harnessed to develop weaponry, really powerful stuff. Look out Baghdad, they are dropping some of her hormones, yikes! An idea though, it would definitely probably thwart terrorism if they had to deal with my estrogen.

today was on a woman trying to decrease fighting between her two daughters by paying the older daughter $25 a week to play and be nice to her little sister. Oh my goodness, all baby urges have left my body after listening to that. They also replayed excerpts of the kids fighting, yuck! I know for sure I could not deal. perhaps me not having kids is a blessing in many more ways than I fully understand.