live now rather than always looking forward

I’ve not had a good week with this goal. The future scares me and I can’t quit worrying about it. I just want to focus on NOW!

I have been taking a yoga class where we have done some meditation. I think I am going to do some more of this to try to help with this goal.

I’ve been reading a book called The Power Of Now by Eckert Tolle. It is helping with this.

I did this by being totally honest with myself and saying “no” to that which was not me, right now.

Perhaps there is an alternate dimension where I am a different girl who can do everything. I am satisfied with this person, though, so I’d rather work on how she does her best… now.

I have not really applied myself to this yet, but I know I need to do it. I find myself thinking, “Well, three and a half years until collgege,” “I can’t wait until I can get our of this town,” “I can’t wait until I don’t have to listen to my parents anymore,” “I get my license next year,” etc. I know that’s not good, but my future seems so bright it’s just exciting. It also helps that I can’t stand my life right now. I have a wonderful boyfriend, but my family can’t get along for a single weekend, I’m extremely broke, my parents are too strict, and my stepdad is driving me insane. Ha. As I reread that, it reminds me of a friend who can’t stop complaining. I know I am blessed to be living in America and everything, but its the little things that drive me insane. So, I can’t wait until I get my driver’s license, graduate from highschool, go to college, have an exciting life, and leave home for good.

I think I’ve taken a step toward living more for today lately, I have recently got my job I wanted at the station I wanted to work at, and I just signed on a lease for my apartment today, And will be going to work tomorrow then coming home and looking for a place to buy a microwave. anyways, I still have not gotten as far as I want to in my Living for NOW walk, But I will continue to work toward that goal… oh darn, I did it again, its so hard not to put something off!

I don’t know quite how to describe it, but I think I’ve hit (and reasonably maintained) a healthy balance of “now-ness” and planning for the future. I don’t believe in abandoning all thoughts of the future, and I don’t want to be so focussed on my own “now” that I miss everybody else’s. I know that I’m still growing and learning but, as I said, I think I’m in a good place to go from. So, I’m pleased, and I’m done! Hurrah!

OK, today is January 5th. My 1st 29th birthday is in exactly four months. Unless something earth shattering happens to remove this from my list before then, if I am at least as satisfied with my progress on this goal as I am today (and have been recently) I will consider it accomplished and will mark it done.

Four months is probably good. It gives a little more time for ‘reality’ to kick in. I know I will be steadily busy, including with employment of some sort, plus a ba-zillion other things. So if I can say still say this on May 5th, 2007, we’re done! Well, it might not be until the 7th or whenever I think about it next, but it will be around then. :) Early May’s a busy time for my family!

Apart from pertinent updates, we’ll see this goal in 4 months!

For once, I want to be just be happy being in the present and not worry about the future so much. Ever since I was a kid, it was “great! once I get this or do this then all my problems will be solved!” Don’t get me wrong, I still think it’s important to plan for the future, but just don’t fixate on it so much. I want to enjoy my life now and not when this or that happens in the future.

Well, to be fair to my personal makeup, I am a ‘planner’. I like to think out what’s next and the different paths to consider taking next, etc. I think there is a strength to be found (and capitalised on?) in this trait. The reason I adopted this goal in the first place was to curb the negative side of this ‘planning’ trait, which I have outlined in previous entries. Quickly, these things include not truly enjoying or taking in what I’m currently involved with due to a tendency to move on to the next thing in my head already.

Anyway, the point today is that I’m actually enjoying what I’m involved with, while still planning what’s to come… how to plan for and complete existing projects, how to secure the right kind of work for me, etc. But over all it’s going well. Suddenly I find that I am appreciating a lot of things a whole lot more… that must all be part of it, eh? :)