get my sleep cycle back on track

I was actually really depressed about this on Tuesday. Sal noticed I wasn’t quite myself (thanks, Sal) but I didn’t really want to talk about it then. I’ve struggled for a few years now with a sleep disorder, and extremely long story short, it’s hard for me to get up in the morning. And I’m not talking normal hard to get up. I’m talking freakishly, terribly, impossibly, sickeningly, frustratingly, stupidly hard to get up. The only person who can even come close to understanding this is my mom, and that’s only because she’s witnessed it so closely these last few years. And even she can’t wrap her brain around it. Heck, neither can I. All I know is that I’m fed up. I have been for a long time, but I have my moments where it bothers me more than usual. And this is one of those moments. I’m sick of missing classes, missing Sunday School, feeling sick when I finally do get up, and I’m especially sick of worrying about how I’ll ever survive adulthood. How will I ever hold a job? How will I be able to do all that God has planned for me if I’m not able to get out of bed to do it? That’s why I know that He’ll heal me of this. Because it’s holding me back from doing all that I can for Him. And He won’t stand for that, I know it. So why am I having to put up with it now? He has His reasons. I see now why I had to be sick from about 2001 to 2005, but why do I still have to deal with the after effects of those few years? I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. But for now it stinks pretty bad.

Because I’m mad at it.
Yes, I’m mad at my sleep cycle.
And I don’t want to talk about it yet.

I have had abnormal sleep patterns all my life and have struggled to sleep at night, much less sleep for the normal standard 7-8 hours. Now I believe the first step to getting my life on track is to get on a normal street cycle. To do this I am staying up all night till tonight so I can go to bed early. From now on I need to start going to sleep before midnight and wakeing up at 8AM. It takes 3 weeks to break a bad habit and here it goes….....DAY ONE.

I slept all weekend, almost literally. I barely even got out of bed Saturday, alternating between reading and napping the whole day. It was glorious. On Sunday I did get up and do a couple of small chores, but still took it very easy. It crossed my mind at one point that I should feel guilty about wasting the whole weekend, but I wouldn’t let myself – it wasn’t a waste when I needed the down-time so badly.

I was hoping I’d wake up naturally this morning, since I was so well rested, but the alarm still beat me to it. I woke up feeling great, though, and in spite of some Monday-morning deflation am still feeling pretty good. Hopefully I’ve made up my sleep debt from last week, but I think I still need to avoid late nights for a while longer.

I don’t know if it had anything to do with the herbal sleeping pills, but last night was very strange. I took them half an hour before bedtime, according to the instructions; it didn’t seem to make me sleepy, but I did find it easier to relax and settle down – although that may well have been a placebo effect. D. told me this morning that I dropped off almost immediately, but to me it felt like I lay awake for hours – except that I was dreaming the whole time. It wasn’t like a normal dream, either; it was more like watching a movie, and I was conscious enough to know that I was dreaming and wish it would end so I could go to sleep properly. It’s as if my body was asleep but my brain wasn’t.

I do feel a bit more refreshed this morning than I have all week, though, so maybe the herbal stuff made me sleep deeper when I eventually did stop dreaming. I haven’t decided yet whether I’ll take it again tonight – I’ll see how I feel this evening. I’m sooo looking forward to not having to set the alarm for the morning!

It’s about a week since I got a decent night’s sleep. I’m zombified all day, but in the evenings I can’t settle down – I’m dog-tired but not at all sleepy. I toss and turn and doze fitfully all night, and seem to finally pass out at about six am only to wake groggy and unrefreshed when the alarm goes off. I don’t know what’s causing it, but it’s horrible. I’m starting to not be able to think straight or focus properly.

It doesn’t help that work has been an absolute nightmare the last fortnight, or that I’m falling behind in lots of other areas. My brother is leaving for five weeks in Costa Rica on Saturday and I’m supposed to be doing a bunch of stuff to help him out, but right now I can’t even remember what it is. My grandparents are leaving for three months in Australia next week and I haven’t arranged our promised lunch together before they go. My Christmas gifts that are supposed to be mailed overseas by now aren’t sent, and neither is the travelling journal that should have gone ten days ago (sorry, Muneca). My poor kittens haven’t got any proper attention in days, they’re just getting fed and left in the kitchen, where they get destructive because they’re so bored and trash the place, and I don’t have the energy to clean it.

I need rest. I need a few days off work to just look after myself and try and get the ball rolling again. Most of all, I need a few nights of deep, blissful, dreamless sleep. I really miss the feeling of getting into bed and feeling sleepy and how good it feels to close your eyes and drift off.