don't give up

lame alternative to allowing myself to do things imperfectly. Stupid expectation (of others & myself), perfection.

I just realized how far & how broad the influence of perfectionism is in my daily life. It brings out tremendous anxiety & paralysis.

What no doubt started out as well-intentioned encouragement turned into an oppressive burden that has the opposite result of its original intent. Stupid for such an impossible, obviously illogical & unrealistic expectation to assume monstrous proportions.

Still, shrinking it down to a manageable size is difficult. Here I am at 34, just now realizing its extent. Stupid. But I gotta tackle it. I sure as hell don’t want to be at this same spot when I’m 44, or 54, or 64…

I feel like a lot of my goals are out of my reach. Things get overwhelming with work, school, life…and it’s easy to want to just crawl in bed and throw in the towel. I know I’m capable of achieving the things I want and being the person I want to be, but I can’t let every minor set back get me down. My goal is that every day, even if I am not making much progress or things aren’t going well, to not give up!

i won’t give up, but i will hole up (way down)

feel fine, take a dive, feel fine, take a dive

if only this were caffeine induced

no motivation
no emotion
no interest
nearly nothing

it’s not for myself, I want to hang around in some helpful way for my nieces & nephews. A few of them have some lousy role models, and they deserve so much better. Maybe nobody grows up with all the encouragement & love they deserve, but I can offer them some.

There are times when I truly enjoy this site, and want to blog about the progress of my goals, but then there’s other times when I really feel like it’s a chore. It’s sad, but I get there.

This is something that can’t be forced, so I will just let it be, and blog when I want.

I’ve used this website before now… in fact twice. Each time I have stayed for a few months, completed a few goals and slowly but surely drifted away from using this marvellous tool.

This time I’m going to be stronger willed. There are things I want to achieve, things I know that once I have achieved will make me tremendously happy. Life is for being happy and enjoying those things you’ve longed to do… so here goes nothing.

I’m VERY glad I haven’t given up at any time in the past. Had I done so, I’d have missed out on many good things – some little pleasures & joys, some bigger, & hopefully, some gigantic ones yet to come.

Even if I don’t get a gigantic, wonderful rush of happiness or joy again for 30 years, I want to stick it out ‘til then in order to experience that rush. As long as I’m not living in horrendous misery, torture, pain, and truly impossible conditions, I’m going to stick it out.

Depression, anxiety, kicks in the head now and then from agoraphobia, I can at the very least endure those, and maybe even tackle them with enough success to lighten the god-damned-waste-of-time-stupid-seeming wet blanket they throw on things. _{I certainly can’t think of anything better to do – giving up certainly isn’t better}

to feel like such an alien in this world so often, then feel like part of a huge, planetary life form – everything is ‘one’ – then feel like a total Martian again, over & over & over??

I don’t want to hear that the answer is ‘complete mental instability, kel.’

It must go back to my theory that this is my first go round as a human being in my progress thru reincarnation, huh? Takes a few tries to get a good feel for being in this skin.