stop hurting from past relationships

I’ve been complaining to my roommate for a while now that I wanted him to hang out with me yet he can always find time for others and not me. The last straw came when I invited him to a family reunion and he refused, yet he can hang out with J. and his family. Not fair!! I stewed about this for about a day and sent my roommate a text message, knowing I would probably catch hell when he got in (cos he can’t stand it when I try to start a ‘fight’ thru texts instead of sucking it up and calling him on the phone—but I get too emotional, hence writing it down).

I was running errands and happened to miss the last bus, so I had to get home somehow! I figured I go to my roommate’s job and catch a ride from one of the drivers. When I got there, my roommate was in a funk, having a bad day (and my fiery texts weren’t helping either). But all the drivers had bounced and we were nearly stranded until one of the drivers had returned with his girlfriend and offered us a ride home.

When we got home, my roommate and I were talking like we used to. That’s all I wanted!!! I just wanted his time and attention of him only, not he and his entourage. My roommate can not be himself by himself—he needs to perform for an audience (which is soooo sad). On top of his bad day, he was sore cos he hadn’t had any alcohol or weed in two days, and had a bad weekend on top of that. I joked with him that it was the full moon, but I got a sneer from that (he doesn’t like me joking when he’s in a pissy mood—yet he does the same to me when I’m sore!)

I like him a lot when he’s sober but once he started pounding beers and smoking weed, his personality changed. I could have cried.

Apparently, my roommate doesn’t think highly of himself and thinks he has to act like an ass to be accepted. I loved him more when he was himself, the quiet, bookish type who could talk for hours animatedly about philosophy, religion, and current events as well as movies (his first love), comics, and music (my love and his obsession). Yet he has to do an 180 cos he feels that his quiet nature wouldn’t be accepted.

I miss my old friend’s nature dearly. If I can accept him for who he is/was, why can’t he accept me?

It was strange, tho, cos last night I was myself and he actually relaxed around me—maybe I need to learn to accept myself!

August 1 makes it one year I’ve lived with my roommate. Damn! It has been hella hard. We used to fight a lot (so much so people thought for sure we were actually an item). We still fight but not as badly or as much.

Things between us has gotten a little better. I think my roommate pushes my buttons just to see how far he can go. I’m much too patient. I blow up after awhile. I think my roommate doesn’t realize that people can be patient with others. But what I learned from my roommate is that he has to have the last word, he’s picky, and has to make notes of every little transgression to throw back in my face when fighting (also known as gunnysacking and throwing in the kitchen sink). I know what my faults are and I’m working on them. But we shouldn’t have to throw bombs at each other for what?! Personal satisfaction?

Grrr. I feel like we’re married!

I think it’s true that most people do marry their parent they have issues with. Apparently I have his mother’s traits. As for he, I think he’s a bit like my mother as well (he’s a little, um, girly for my taste, but I don’t mind—I just think I have a long hair fetish, ha). But I think we have issues with our fathers as well, but it doesn’t come up much unlike our mothers.

Can I get a psychotherapist please?!

I can fall down and get hurt and it won’t bother me. But emotional pain that my best friend is inflicting on me (or am I inflicting my own pain?) is really tough.

I love him dearly, and it hurts to see him running back to an ex that isn’t good for him. People have said that we get along well and we should get together, but he’s blind to the pretty. He wants a sex doll. I’m too tall, too fat, not pale enough, not tattooed enough, yet we can talk about everything under the sun and play and drink and act crazy. That’s why I love him, his personality is so wonderful.

Yet he rather have someone like HER who throws herself at his feet and he eats this up (yet she dislikes me, his friends, his hobbies, his LIFE!). Sex is sex. They have nothing in common but sex. I would tell him this, but he won’t believe me. He will accuse me of being jealous.

I was pissed that he told his so-called friends that i was mad that he wouldn’t have sex with me. I’m angry because he claims to love her but he does nothing but wait for her to call, do things, etc while he’s the one seeking me out and wanting to do stuff. It’s not fair. I’ll be glad to save up enough money and leave him and this crazy life behind. I’m through with it all.

gotta say that Im feeling pretty proud of me. Standing by my words, not like the other times Trina and I called it quits. Im so freaking happy with my life right now and since all that changed was the me and her factor it leads my brain to think that she was making life sucky for me, or that we were making life sucky for me. Im in no rush to get into a relationship again, but Im not dead set against it at all. Im just having fun being me. I never noticed how much she fed into the negative sides of me while neglecting the positive, not until now that is. Time with out her has been most joyus, no one mocking me for being intelligent, or being upset that they have no common interests with my friends (ultimately meaning that she and I must not have had things in common b/c I share the interest(s) of my friends), no one leaving me out of plans or getting mad at me when my whimsical and adventure-seeking side wants to come out and play. It more than shocking to me to feel this way, for 5 weeks ago I was convinced that I couldn’t live without her (while we were dating), but I see now that what we had wasn’t real love. I honestly believe that I loved her to the best of my ability, but she knows that she didn’t do the same. Ahh lovin’ n learnin’ now I know not to put myself through that again, that no matter how hard one person tries you need two trying, and most importantly I learned (a)how it feels to be on the other side of the emotional fence and (b)my time/energy/essence is worth more than that sort of ____.

Still have other relationships to get over, so Im keeping this as a goal, but I feel good that I’ve kicked the emotional dependency that I had on Trina, and therefore that I am done hurting about the things that happened in the relationship. It’s over and so is my caring about it. :D

I might not have gone about it the best way but at least now I know.

So Trina and I went to the bar together on V-day… I know its odd to go out with your ex (especially for Valentine’s) but we had people coming to meet us, and we are both cheap bastards that will show up early as opposed to paying cover.

Ended up back at her place by the nights end. Even though we both had someone who was tryna pick us up. I suppose for me it was a two fold reason 1- i know her so there wasn’t really an issue leaving with her and 2- not gonna lie about a physical attraction to her so there’s that. Don’t really recall making it back to her place, since I was just that wasted, and the night is just bits n pieces (rather than one story).

Long and short of it all; it was nice to have someone to cuddle with but Im no longer in love with her.

We talked for a good while the next day, mostly about what all had gone on the night before and what our next steps would be. I got the feeling like she really really missed me and instead of tryna make things ‘work’<—getting her to admit that she was feeling that way and making her fess up about what she wanted (which I would normally do) I only gave consideration to the things that I wanted out of life, so I told her that I was glad that we could share the night and that it didn’t change anything in my mind, I still was only gonna be her friend and that we were hurtful to each other in a relationship (something that neither of us deserved), she told me about her sleeping with the pillow that smelt like me and a few other stories that woulda normally made me be all “see you know we should be together”.

Getting rid of all her stuff really helped me move past her. I know that I gave it my best shot, that I tried harder than I knew was possible, and that it wasn’t working. I told her that if she had asked I would have spent my life waiting for her to get her shyte together, but since she didn’t I didn’t think about it as an option. I don’t think that she liked to hear it, but oh wells.

Feeling like this goal is moving closer and closer to being completed.

never thought about this before in any context aside from romantic relationships until tonight. When I was 18 my great gram died. Gram was like my mom, I lived with her until I was 6, spent summers and weekends over there every year after moving out. Every time I think about her being gone I seize up inside and have to go away so to speak. I have to numb my mind to stop it from thinking about how bad it hurts to not have Gram around. Just writing this right now is making me cry all over my keyboard, can’t really see the screen…

There’s just so much I have to say, wanted to say, will want to say. Here is as good a place as any I suppose Hey gram its me, your kid. I miss you so badly. I try to play like Im ok and that every moment that passes isn’t killing me. I think that everyone else is buying it but I can’t seem to convince myself. Im not upset with you for leaving or anything like that. If anything I am proud to have gotten you for as many years as I did. I was blessed to be raised by you, I got to miss out on all the mistakes that parents make due to inexperience… More than anything Im upset with myself because since you left I have just been floating around kinda just going along with the plan… any plan it doesn’t matter. Where is that girl you raised? The one with the confidence, the one with the ability to feel comfortable in her own skin, the one who was proud of the choices she made? I have lots of work to get back there, and I know it, but like you always said, everyones first steps are baby steps. Its just the way its always been done. I love you lots, and I hope that by making myself proud of well myself I can also work on being alright when I think about you. Im feeling as if I will be able to smile about the thought of you ‘looking down on me’ and smiling at me living a happy and full life.

well i hung out with trina today, didn’t find anything out about the whole her n liz thing, if it is actually a thing, figured that since I couldn’t stop anything from happening why should I waste my time worrying and stressing. It was the only time ever in any of our break ups, that I saw her and didn’t wanna make up, get in her pants, cuddle ect.

I feel like Im making some growth in this department :D

should i even be her friend?

So I live in a city with a pretty small gay community. My ex and I share and ex. Since the break up they have started talking again, which is fine, whatever I can’t stop anyone from talking. T got sent home early from this tour…So being a friend I offered to pick her up from the greyhound station. Whatevas. We hung out, watched tv, n kept it totally platonic, though there were moments where she ‘accidentally’ held my hand, in which I would slap hers, I can’t just sit in my comfort zone getting no where, cuz it comfy. I know that. When I was taking her home she asked to stop at the liqour store, she came out with like 18 beers, ok not like 18, but 18… I commented on the large amount of beer, she laughed it off saying that it wasn’t all for tonight. Failing to tell me that she was seeing Liz tonight. I know because my buddy Ash (who is kinda seeing Liz, seeing in the loosest of terms, really they are just getting to know one another) called me up tonight to talk about some shit that happened to her with her family and we ended up getting around to that, I feel like texting Trina and being like ‘what the fuck dude, you can’t come all up in my house n act like you actually wanna make a go at being friends and then start not being honest about stuff’...On the phone again with Ash. She’s telling me about all these other times That Trina has been chilling with Liz behind my back. Can’t really talk to Trina about it cuz I don’t wanna ruin things with Ash n Liz, ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

Come to think of it the reason T n I broke up last time was the same as this time. Going to see her next weekend. Hoping that my heart is in the same place as my head.

So this morning when I awoke I wasted no time getting to this task. Now there is an empty space in the top half of my closet. As soon as I did it I felt mental clarity, I chose to toss everything, unless it was practical, I ended up with one lighter and a bracelet. I recycled all that was applicable n tossed the rest. Went and had a talk with Trina today…it was a good thing, for we were mature about it, something we always lacked in our relationships.