make Love my purpose (not my goal)

This really is a hard goal for me right now. I think (read: hope) that it would be easier under easier circumstances. I’ve thought about this goal and the precepts that founded it for quite a while. I think about love almost clinically, being a scientist. And I’ve concluded (don’t worry, I’m not trying to make a Love Theorem or anything) that, while there are lots of people here in this town that I love, there’s no one here that I love with the intensity that I feel for friends and family in NC and what I felt (and still feel to a lesser extent) for Chris (the ex). I have to believe that if I were in a kissy-kissy-smoochy-smoochy relationship, I’d find it easier to GIVE love to everyone else (the alluded to S.O. included, of course). There’s no logical reason to believe that though, honestly. Before my husband and I separated, I wasn’t really all that loving. Not in the same way or with the same intensity that I would like to love people now. But maybe that was because that relationship was sucking the life out of me. Yeah, probably. And I have some really, really wonderful friends here in Fargo now. And I think I do a pretty good job of loving them. Yeah, I know; it sounds odd to me too (loving your friends) – that has something to do with the fact that, as Americans raised in an uber-moralistic society, we have the twisted (perverted, actually) belief that intimacy is sinful, especially between people of the same sex. Somewhere Americans got confused about the concept of intimacy. For me, it’s not about sex (unless you’re talking about sexual intimacy, of course, a different subject), but rather about being transparent and affectionate with all the people you love. It took me a while to figure that one out.

And, of course, my friends from NC…the whole group of us are more like a commune of love-monkeys. Even when I don’t talk to one of them for a few months, I know we’re right there on the same page. Always just a plane ride away if they need me or I need no them. It’s a bizaarely beautiful relationship we have, all of us, really. I’m selfish as hell to even want more love than what I have received from my family, friends, and Chris. But I still do. I want someone HERE, dammit. Not sure what to do, except wait. Maybe all this is surfacing from my subconscious right now because spring is mating season. Hmmm…

making this a way of life, I find that I’m more at peace with the world, individual people, and myself. Everyone is living for love on one level or another. They’re trying to buy love, earn love, find love, keep love, spread love, teach love, or, sometimes, run from love. But the lesson here is that no one lives a meaningful, fulfilling life without love. Few people find exactly what they want or appreciate it when they have it, it seems. So I just want to live a life that exemplifies this one thing that is a common need for each of us. I want to be grateful for all the love that I’m lucky enough to have in my life and I want to give love (in whatever form I’m able) to those who need it. That’s the best legacy I can think of for a person to leave behind.

These past few weeks have been a weird trip. But a good one. One odd event seems to precipitate another, even though they aren’t obviously related. It makes me want to learn more about string theory. I’m trying to discern a pattern to it all. Maybe there isn’t one and I’m wasting time trying to find a reason for chaos. But sometimes I get the feeling that something is about to happen. Maybe it will be something external to me and maybe not. Either way will be good. I’d welcome a change. I’ve been stagnating for too long.

I’m not sure where all this came from this morning, but it feels like I imagine enlightenment or epiphany* should – although I’m sure it doesn’t sound profound in any sense. Except to me. The profundity stems purely from my own little quest for purpose. I’ve been pondering the idea of purpose for a while now. Odd as that is, since purpose is very serious and I’m not a very serious person. And, until fairly recently, I thought I had the whole purpose-thing figured out.

I’m not good enough at any other thing to justify the space & resources I take up on this planet. But I was born into love and raised in love and I know love pretty well. Yes, I’ve been hurt by love too, of course. That’s part of the full experience. And I’m still learning. Like any other worthy discipline, I don’t know if it’s something I am capable of mastering. But I believe it’s the Greatest Thing, and the one thing I can say is worth doing well. Every Day. With Every One I come into contact with.

Love isn’t easy for the best person. And certainly I’m not that person. But the more I seek Purpose, the clearer it becomes to me that love and kindness are the axis that all the other beautiful things turn on. And, glutton that I am, I still hope to attain all the other beautiful things – family, friends, home, travels, adventures, great food, etc. So, first things first, devote myself to the discipline of loving unconditionally and without expectation of reciprocation.

• Enlightenment or Epiphany? There’s another entry for another day.