pray more

I’ve been praying every day, but I find myself getting lazy. Instead of actually standing infront of the altar and doing my devotions, I find myself muttering the serenity prayer and rushing about my day. Not because I don’t have time to do them- just because I am lazy. So I need to stop doing that, because it’s not as good for me as going through the entire thing.

So on Wednesday I swore to myself and the gods that I would pray every day for 30 days. It can be a formal prayer with sacrifice and everything, or when I’m rushed I can just do a simple little thanks and the serenity prayer.

The thing about me is that I try to be a woman of my word. So I know making an oath is the best way to get me to pray more. Even if I do it half-assedly, at least I’m doing it.

And even though i still feel like i have a deep relationship with him i don’t have that feeling that i used to have, like my heart was filling or i was getting something i needed. The only difference between then and now is that i dont pray as much as i used to. I think i will try to do something about that tonight. I miss him :(

I started praying more a couple years back when I realized it relieved stresses I had almost immediately. I added it as a goal at the beginning of last year (January ‘08) to pray more frequently. So I started praying out of thanks for little things every day and for myself and those around me.

Then at the end of February, not two months later, one of my best friends passed away unexpectedly of a heart condition none of us knew about. He was my husband’s best friend and was about to marry my sister in 3 months. Needless to say, this was a huge loss for my husband and I, my sister and my family, and everyone else who knew him. During this time I found myself praying a lot more than I ever have. I’ve never lost anyone that close to me, and he’d been such a deeply spiritual person…it made me think a lot about life and death and what happens afterward.

Then as a lot of times it does, with death comes life. A week after we buried our friend, I found out I was pregnant. I had something else to pray about.

And now here I am, a year and a half later with a beautiful baby boy and a family that is so incrediabley strong, and I just have to believe that much is thanks to prayer.

When I pray and meditate daily, my life is so much better. I am more patient and loving, I’m able to let go of the little things, let go of my resentments and stay in the moment. So why wouldn’t I want to do this daily?

Part of it for me is forgetfulness and having expectations that are too high. When I start praying and meditating, I have this image in my head of becoming this saintly person who deals with life fantastically all the time. And it doesn’t happen all the time- instead I merely become more peaceful and calm. Not saintly. And I begin to forget how I was before- kind of lost and wandering. Instead I become resentful because I’m not becoming saintly fast enough. Then out of frustration I stop.

Another part is some days, I just don’t know what to say. This has to do more with preparation of my part. I need to print out hymns and prayers on those days when I don’t have any urgent crisis to lay on the gods’ shoulders, or really anything to talk about at that moment. Also in the preparation department, I need to prepare offerings and keep the altar uncluttered. Speaking of that, I need to keep my room uncluttered too- few things are quite as detering as the smell of sweaty socks.

And finally, maybe fear. What if the gods are not real? What if I’m wasting my time, or praying to the wrong deities? I have this huge fear of being wrong, of doing things incorrectly. I mean, at the end of the day, I don’t think anyone can prove or disprove the existance of god. Yet somehow I find myself expecting to some up with some scientific proof that my religion is right and that my gods are real. Talk about expecting too much of myself.

So there are some of my blockages. I think that today for this goal, I will: clean my room, tidy my altar, and start on my hymnodia book, printing out one hymn for each of the gods. Excellent.

I started going to prayer on Tuesday’s at noon time. We have 1 hour of everyone finding a space and praying alone and then 1 hour of group prayer. 2 amazing hours that are changing my life!

I now have my alarm set for 6:30 AM, but when it goes off every morning I turn it off and go back to sleep. I am going to have to go to bed earlier because this is important to me. I am also going to get The Names of God cd from Integrity Music. Worship music during my prayer time helps me focus better.

pray more

Started typing prayers instead of saying/thinking them. Doest this count?

I pray every night when I tuck my 4 month old son… it’s really nice.