be free from my past

I have this past… which involving my roommate.. She died 2 years ago and i can’t seem to forget that incident. i wish i have the courage and more time to save her life.. still i can’t let go of that past. wishing that she is still here with me… hurm….

on the beach this morning, writing my list of ‘unmet needs’ i had an aha moment:

i experienced my mothers’ nurturing as neediness. it felt smothering, it felt desparate. to this day i experience her offers of help as trying to get herself involved in my life on a level i don’t want. i therefore push her away, get irritated or angered by her persistent ‘caring’. i feel that accepting it would mean losing my sense of self, it would mean giving in, giving up and disappearing into her. it would mean being weak.

this also means i have little compassion for people in my life – even my son – when they need things from me. when they are ill. i push them away.

i never experienced healthy nurturing.

now what do i do with that? how do i be free?

hopefully my therapist will have some ideas!

i have a task to do for this week’s therapy session re: my relationship with my mom / freedom from my past.

i have to think about what needs i had as a child that were not met and make a list.

harder than i thought… it is so difficult not to feel guilty for saying the negative stuff out loud. even though the resentment about thiss stuff comes out in impatience, irritation and anger with her now.

supression is BAD. so hard to unpick.

the place i go to for therapy re: my anxiety holds a course 4 x a year called Freedom from my Past. Perfect for helping me work on this goal! i have signed up for the next course later in the year.

I so need to do this.

Let’s just say that it’s monumental when you’re able to say, “Who cares???” with the stuff that once was a plague to your life!