fall in love with someone who loves me too

http://xkcd.net/601/

The flyout says “Wait, no, that one also loses. How about a nice game of chess?”

Perhas I was flattering myself.

I would love to accomplish this one day…hopefully

I spent so long looking for someone to love me and to actually care and be there unconditionally, even when things got rough and we got mad. But then something happened and i just stopped looking and took charge of my life by leaving that old life that made me miserable. And then poof… Things just started to fall into place and now, its all good.

dont get me started on this one….

its been a week now, since i started working and we went on to our respective lives in different cities and i’m here to report that i’m good. I feel like we’re both doing alright, and keeping busy and if this is any kind of indicator, i think we’ll both have pretty oz summers. I am helping to plan a big salad solstice party at his place next weekend, i’m going to get down there sat. night, chill out/go out, and then party sunday, stay until monday evening and then bus my butt back up here to work monday.
We talked about all this tonite, and whats wild is that i’m not freaking out, i’m not crying or lonely or even bored. I’m happier than i’ve ever been (many thanks to great roommates!) and after we talked when i said ‘i love you’ it felt awesome to mean it.

We’re not great on the phone, but this absence is not like an absess, it truly is making me fonder. I can only hope its mutual.

Sometimes we fight, but usually its just a little misscommunication thrown WAY out of proportion. I tend to give up easily and have a short fuse and he doesn’t feel comfortable with my little combustion engine of a heart/mind so we’re working on it. I start unspooling the things that sometimes bug me about him whenever i feel doubt and that’s not good. Its not that there are many things I don’t like, but simply that there are many things that i don’t understand about how he is/thinks.

He lets things go more easily than i’d like him to, and doesn’t like to ‘rehash’ our troubles which for me makes them make sense, and reduces thier frequency so i’m working on making that worthwhile for him too.

We wrote up a little contract for our relationship, and soon (as in tomorow) we’ll be living in different countries, having different lives and hopefully our little promises help keep us working in the best interests of ‘us’ although i understand if they don’t, and if we go our own ways, but i feel like this just keeps getting better. :)

Hopefully he does too, and hopefully what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

And so I am back at the starting point. Although probably not even there. I am a step back from that.
My boyfriend just came (long-distance relationship) for the weekend.
I was happy as a child for Xmas. And it turned out that he came to tell me that it is not going to work out.
Let’s face it – he never had real feelings for me, so I just sacrified my needs to “give him time”.
I didn’t respect myself enough. I don’t regret that I tried. I regret that he was childish enough to try something like that without any real feelings for me – just hoping they will come.
What is more – he is one of my friends so yesterday I went to the party our mutual friends. I had to sit there and watch as he was having a great time while I was so down and trying not to cry all evening.
Now that all my friends are couples it will be super hard for me to feel better. Now I will have only engagements parties, weddings, anniversaries to attend.
The worst is that I was happy with my life as a single person before he came. I found a right place for myself then. I was ready for something really meaningful. Then he came, made a mess in my life and leaves.
I just wish to meet someday a person who will be totally into me. Who will not be a coward or immature guy and will stand by me no matter what.
Sometimes I have a feeling that I am meant to be single – and I don’t like this feeling. I hope that one day I will find a person for me.

So I wrote my mind to my lover last night after trying to talk it through on the phone and getting tangled in language and frustrated on both ends.
I was pretty certain i’d be disappointed by his reply (if any). I was getting ready to be able to walk away and cut my losses. It drives me a little bit crazy that he has consistently impressed me with his sincerity and his sound emotional logic. He really does love me, and I can’t help but do my best to keep us together and balanced especially after an email like the one he sent me last night. Below are some snippets, just to prove me wrong, and keep me on my toes.

I love his honesty and his enthusiasm and his willingness to try new things and think a problem through from all angles. He is such a great supporter and for the first time i feel like i’m in a healthy relationship where we are both cheering each other on to have the best life we each can find.

The best parts of andy’s email last night;

I’m not sure I will be able to say what I feel clearly, but I will try my best. Where do I start…

I absolutely love holding hands, cuddling and kissing you in front of every one to see. Why? Because I want to be with you and I want every one to know that I love you.
Ya. Ok. I know what I said could really hurt. You think I’m not attracted to you. Well, all I can say is that’s just flat out wrong.

Yes, I think you could be in slightly better shape. But so what! Thats not what makes you who you are! It’s some thing that can come or go at anyone’s will, should they chose to do so. I’ve only say that because I care about you so much. I want you to live a long, healthy life. I don’t want any thing to happen to you. Which is why I was supporting your interest in quitting both sugar and cigarettes. But if some thing did happened to you, I would still be there for you and love you. Please believe that.

Do you know what really turns me on? Having some one genuinely interested in who I am, how I am and why I am.
Love is a very difficult thing to explain. I believe the soul function of relationships are to simply give each other the reassurance that we are doing the right thing. That we are a good person. That life is worth living. But when you start caring as much about making some one else happy as you do finding it for your self, that’s what I would consider love.
You are the first girl that really made me feel important. You gave me purpose. I felt loved. In another first, you’ve also had me really considering marriage just so I might feel that way ever day.

Enough about me. I’ve always said a healthy relationship is about balance. I am, and always have been, willing to do what ever is necessary for you to also feel reassured, wanted, happy, sexy. I have clearly failed to make you feel loved and I am very sorry. I have tried with all my heart.
I will be very sad if this doesn’t clarify how much you mean to me. I love you very much. I will have your stuff ready for you tomorrow should you still feel we can’t make this work.

This is my not so big ‘big list’,

-Someone who shows they care by making sure i look out for myself.
-Chymistry. Some mutual attraction/satisfaction.
-Openness and Trust, Someone with a buddhist frame of mind.
-Someone who has hobbies/priorities/goals that they hold strong.
-Someone who sees the benefits of compromise.
-Someone who thinks i’m so cool that they want to share me with their friends and family.
-A lifelong learner with a creative streak
-An individual

I’ve truly found someone who fits in my life in the above ways, but as I finish this year and consider my impending move 200 km away I’ve hit the ‘nitty gritty’.
I’ve been fencing with myself about wether or not I should tidy up these loose ends or string my heart along the highway and make the effort to be in two places at once in a long distance relationship.
Am I satisfied?
Are we in love or just a rut?

Its time to be real about the one thing that i know is the issue, or intimate life. Its not bad but its not fulfilling, I find myself yearning for the opportunity to have fun, feel sexy, relaxpants. Its not selfish of me to consider this a make or break issue, but up until now i guess i have glossed over it because other parts of ‘us’ work well together like never before.

I feel comfortable talking about it, and i will now that i know what has been making me resentful i’m making the call….

HA!
My suspicions have proved correct. I can’t be with someone so superficial, who only sees past the 10 lbs that make him unatracted to me because ‘I make him happy’. Not my job folks.

I’m too frustrated right now to be sad.
I’ve been twisting myself up in knots, feeling unattractive and under cherished for the last 3 months.
NO more!

Good luck in your future you judgemental double standard-having meatpuppet.

I don’t know, maybe he’ll get over himself and stop peering off into space for perfection among the faceless masses, or maybe he really will find someone absolutely perfect who fits his physical standard. I fear he is the kind of spoiled that he would divorce someone on the basis of their having gained weight or being in a disfiguring accident.

I would have a hard time being able to trust him, or relax around him and i’m tired of feeling ‘not good enough’.

I should have known sooner.
Next time i’ll keep an eagle-er eye.

Ugh.

I’ll see what happens, but i think sadly that this goose is cooked.