fall in love with someone who loves me too

I have been spending time with a person lately. It is very interesting because we are very good friends. I wonder if it will ever be anything. Lately, I’ve been very encouraged that God is sending “him” to me. I wonder sometimes if it is my very good friend or some other random person. The thing is I hope that it is him. We have too much in common, and we are always together. I have these feelings that I can’t explain, and when he isn’t around, I wish he was. I think I have fallen for him, but the other part of this goal is so important. How does he feel about me?

Guy next door
Silly and easygoing humor
Athlete: Runner
Good reading comprehension/Avid reader
Moderately intellectual
Best Friend

Ideal Guy
Zach Braff
James McAvoy
Adam Brody
Orlando Bloom
Ryan Hall

Esmee Denter “Just Admit” basically summarizes my current love situation right now.

(mmmmm)
(oooooh)

Hangin’ in the hood
Givin me the eye
I get the message
Why you gotta act shy?
Lookin at your light ahead
I can read your mind
You really want it bad
I can tell by the look on your face
That your really really really really in to me

Is it me or is it hot in here
(burning up, adrenaline rush, can’t get enough)
Is it really really or am I just imagining
(do I want it too much, am I making it up?)
I try to ignore you babe, but I keep coming back for more

Just admit it
I know you want it
Why you over there?
When you could be right here
Come and get it
You know I got it
Cant you read the signs?
Why you wasting time?

When you could be mine
(just admit it admit it)
(just admit it admit it)

Trying to impress
Got me actin like a fool
Don’t want you to see me
But I really do
Cause im the type of girl whose used to playin it cool
If you wanna win me over its up to you

(yeah baby)
C’mon and make your move

Is it me or is it hot in here
(burning up, adrenaline rush, can’t get enough)
Is it really really or am I just imagining
(do I want it too much, am I making it up?)
I try to ignore you babe, but I keep coming back for more

Just admit it
I know you want it
Why you over there?
When you could be right here
Come and get it
You know I got it
Cant you read the signs?
Why you wasting time?

When you could be mine
(just admit it admit it)
(just admit it admit it)

When you could be mine
(just admit it admit it)
(just admit it admit it)

You could be mine
(ooooh)

Is it me or is it hot in here
(burning up, adrenaline rush, can’t get enough)
Is it really really or am I just imagining
(do I want it too much, am I making it up?)
I try to ignore you babe, but I keep coming back for more

Just admit it
I know you want it
Why you over there?
When you could be right here
Come and get it
You know I got it
Cant you read the signs?
Why you wasting time?

When you could be mine
(just admit it admit it)
(just admit it admit it)
(just admit it admit it)
(just admit it admit it)

When you could be mine
(ooooh)

I’m not sure if this belongs here, but I thought it would be good to make a note of this somewhere.

Today had the experience of having my mouth water when I saw a woman. (And no, you perverts, it had very little do do with sex.) I never knew attraction could be so palpable.

I’ve been looking at high school seniors and university freshman too much. Although some are physically attractive and I share common interests with them like running, they are wrong for me. Just because they are going to the same university as I am next year isn’t a valid reason why I should force myself to fall in love. Falling in love is supposed to be a natural process and it happens when it’s least expected. I never completely experienced the process of falling in love. I fell in something that was very close with a very dear friend. But it didn’t work out and I wanted him for as a best friend instead of boyfriend. Now he is deeply in love with another girl. =(
I’m seventeen, so why force myself to fall in love when it isn’t the right time?

I want very much to be seen and understood in my life, i have a sort of sick affection deficit disorder or have had and i get myself in to the pickles with people who are really nice and well meaning and genuinely like me and then i feel to crappy to be honest and break it off… and when i do balls up and let my frankness shine, i feel guilty anyway.

I am feeling super karmically ‘gunkked up’ right now, right here.

i know for sure that the times i’ve gone on internet dates and its turned into something it us usually more of a ‘grasping for some connection thing’ than an actual attraction. I wish that weren’t the case.

I won’t be doing that anymore.

I broke up with A last night… which needed to happen but is sad all the same.
He’s a SUPER sweet guy and i wish that it could’ve been more excellent, but i never felt that ‘gush’ of wanting to kiss him after a few weeks away, i know he appreciated me, but i don’t feel like he really got me. :( I kept trying to make the math work out in my head but it just didn’t. Just didn’t.

Anyhow. I’m off to work and then after that my life keeps happening.

I’m looking into the future and seeing myself happily single and perhaps even quirky-alone for a while. I’m living a great life, and all i have to do is keep enjoying it. :)

I don’t know where this uncertainty is coming from, or if its just my insecurity manifesting in another strange knot of thoughts, but i find myself constantly comparing my relationship (which is in frankness the best and healthiest one i’ve been in!) to some strange standard… i guess i’m comparing andy to something, some standard of what i expect or feel i deserve or something. Its odd soemtimes knowing what to do with ‘us’ when no one i’ve dated in the past can compare because andy is unlike all of those other people.

Andy is not someone i would have picked for myself but that is in fact one of our greatest strenghts as a couple, that we are different and have completely different goals and perspectives. It makes my life interesting, but sometimes i feel like we don’t have much in common.

I don’t want to date myself, and i don’t want to be in the pattern that i was in before i met andy of dating people who are patently unhealthy for me, but i feel like there is something ‘missing’ not a spark per se, but some kind of neediness, or some kind of reverence maybe.

In the past i have dated people who i coveted in some way or who had these talents that i wanted a piece of somehow and i guess that isn’t fair. I wonder if that’s what feels like it is amiss here.

Andy is who he is, he has his own interests, he listens, he has opinions and processes of thought that are all his own and that intrigue me and make me think more carefully about the assumptions i make every day. All of this is good.

I guess its just GOOD.

I guess i feel like its not exciting, or challenging or dramatic enough or what, god i wish i knew.

I love him most because he is like drama-retardant and just won’t have me causing fruitless arguments because its a waste of both of our energies, he just absorbs my little fuse lightings and somehow that is the best sign of his love. When he just hugs away my nebulous anxiety.

Its okay for me to have crushes on people, and for me to find situations and people attractive, its totally healthy but its even healthier that it doesn’t phase us.

I love ‘us’. I need to try more actively to accept and cherish who he is, and who we are as a result because its the happiest and most accepted i’ve felt in, ever, and its not bad, and there isn’t anything wrong.

I guess its possible that its scary to be finally in the situation that i have been searching and fighting for, just to be in it. I will ride it out, and i will give myself more re-assurance that things are wonderful until they are not, and i will stop counting the days that we have been together as though it is some kind of backwards breakup monitor.

I love his guts.
and i know so deeply that he loves mine.

sigh.

My heart is so broken at this point. I don’t know what to do and I really need help with understanding the situation and figuring out what to do next. Things were great between me and him for a while. We were stable and happy. School ended and I found out the exchange program I applied for accepted me. So I was going to leave Ontario and go to Quebec for 5 weeks to learn French. He encouraged me to do it and told me it was the experience of a lifetime. We talked about what would happen when I came back because I said i was worried things would change while i was gone. He looked at me, smiled and said, “do you think just because you’re gone for 5 weeks, I’m gonna stop loving you?” And so i pushed that worry out of my head. While I was gone, we emailed constantly and talked on the phone 3-4 times a week. The entire time, he told me how much he missed me and wanted me to come home and loved me and was excited to see me. When I mentioned a three week extra program, he said I should go for it if i wanted to, but asked me to come home for a few days in between to see him before I did it cause he missed me so badly. The plans for the program fell through due to my parents and so i came home when expected. But I noticed for the last week that i was there, our phone calls were shorter and even though i emailed 2-3 times, he didn’t reply at all. I thought he was busy cause he started working again full-time. He gets up at 6:30 a.m. and comes home late too. When i came home, he didn’t call the first or second or third night. So i called him the fourth day but his parents said he was at work and that he’d be gone for the next 2 days cause they were going up to their cottage. So i cancelled the surprise dinner reservations I made. The day he was supposed to come back, he didn’t call or anything then either. So I called him a few nights later. And in a nutshell, I asked why he’d been avoiding me. and he said it probably wasn’t a good idea to date anymore cause he didn’t feel the same way about me. How could he just lose his feelings for me in two weeks? I did not cheat on him or even look at other guys. The entire time I was homesick and thrilled that I was gonna see him! And now I’m confused and heartbroken. I don’t know what I should do. I need an explanation from him about what happened because I feel like there’s more he may not be telling me. We’d been dating for ONE YEAR AND 3 MONTHS and liked each other for a YEAR even before that! He’s never lied to me so i don’t think he cheated on me. But what if he found someone else? Or he really is over me in just two weeks? I thought maybe it was cause I was gone for so long and we just needed to see each other again… but he said it’d just be awkward. I’m thinking I should wait a week and then call him. I’ll offer to drop off some stuff i got for him while i was in quebec and his shirts/sweatshirts. Then maybe we can talk for a while. I don’t know if it’s a good idea. and I just really need help with this situation. I want him back. I still love him.

I am so much softer now.

Its been a year and so much in me and in my life has changed for the better.
I’m not saying that life is solved, i’m just confident that i’m on my way.
I feel so much anguish about the way i’ve gone about things in the past. I’ve had a really hard time in relationships and every time i meet someone and get involved there is a growth spurt.

I don’t regret my choices or methods, but I was wondering this morning, laying in bed with my busted foot up on a pillow not really ready to make a break for the crutches… what might have my last relationship been like if i were who i am now?

I would say an awful lot better.
It wasn’t a good relationship, because we weren’t looking for the same things. We had a lot in common and pushed each other in various ways to be better and more well rounded. We were both very passionate, but where i was almost ‘devoted’ to him he was just ‘enjoying the ride’.

I bet he would’ve liked who i am now a lot better. And i bet i would’ve been more comfortable with the ‘practical’ nature of our relationship but honestly, i guess its his loss, or well… both of our gain.

i was feeling so melencholy about that relationship and (after all he was the one who ‘wanted to stay friends’and then disappeared,) that i wrote a letter to our one mutual friend to find out if he’s at least ok.

I don’t know what is inspiring this line of thinking right now… maybe its that i miss the academic lifestyle but not the academic himself..?

I always admired what he did, getting to think creatively and be rewarded for it. I think i would like to do that one day… maybe once my loans are paid down… (famous last words!)

I’m also curious about his work and what he’s been up to professionally. It interested me then, and i heard A LOT about it, and it would be nice to know what came of those things, his research, the play he was starting to write when we split, the 10 minute play he had written for the humana festival (i even went to the humana this year because it happened to be at the same time/place as the NAPBIRT conference, i looked for him in the program notes…).

You can’t change the past and the past is guaranteed to change you…

I have to find gratitude and let this evaporate into the beautiful day it has turned out to be outside.
I will stop letting what was cloud what i have now. carpe diem!!!

Also, someone is playing trumpet outside in the park, it is worse than my playing GRIN!!!
I

I

Running 2 marathons was SO MUCH EASIER.

The boy forgot the tent, which was luckily easily rectified when we hit the wally world and found one for 20bucks!!!

But then we were certifiably squished into my NEW 6×5ft 3lb tent for two nights which was less sexy than i’d have liked seeing as this was the last time we’d be kickin’ it for a few weeks at least but it was alright none the less.

There were a lot of good times and a lot of me being an anxious wreck still but that’s just me not being able to relax all at once. He’s good for me that way, its dumb not to be relaxed and go with the flow, and i need to do more of it. but also there were some moments when for the first time i can remember he said ‘i love you’ without a prompt and out of the blue.
Some of what i have been saying leaked through his hardseal of a consciousness and he is trying to do for me what i need.

For that reason alone, i’m glad that we talked, and i look forward to having some more time to spend with him and other people and just him on our own. It was also good to go camping with someone because it made me really appreciate how much i like spending time just the two of us in contrast, and how different we two are when there are other people around. :)

Lovin m’life!