Embrace and enjoy my new life

since my brain surgery and pulmonary emboli to fully embrace my new life here in the wilderness.

The first two of those years were recovery time (I was a slow healer). Until I came here I couldn’t go an entire day without an oxygen machine. The next year was breaking up my unhealthy codependent long term personal relationship with B. Planning my getaway. That was painful….then I ran away to the wilderness where I grew up as a child…well, close by anyway.

The past two years has been adjusting to life here in the wilderness…wanting to go back to the city…to my past (which wasn’t working for me)...to my comfort zone of total discomfort…if that makes sense.

A calm, serene beautiful life was alien to me. I fought it…told everyone here I was bored…didn’t fit in…any excuse to not connect.

That has changed. I realize my children are a plane ride away whenever I want to see them. I don’t have to struggle and be sad in my life…that was a choice I made by not making choices and letting others decide for me.

All is not rainbows and waterfalls. My life isn’t easy here…again choices I have made because of unhealthy beliefs I hadn’t let go…but things look brighter than they have in 5 years.

There is alot to be said for that. :)

has been a trial for me. I came back to where they originated and for the past 2 years they have taken over my life but now I am breaking those patterns for more positive belief systems.

Maybe that is the whole reason I was called back home to the wilderness. Interesting…

An interesting conversation I had this weekend was with the guy I have been seeing the past few months. We had talked of not seeing each other a few weeks ago and since he has been trying to show me how much he cares for me…but he mentioned how since I have decided what business I am going to do now I have changed and become much more assertive.

He’s not certain he likes the change. I just laughed and said actually my true personality is coming out. Since I moved here I have been like a fish out of water trying to find my way. Now life is finally getting back to normal.

Yesterday I was working at the antique store and was hungry at lunch time so I called the restaurant downstairs from the store for a turkey sandwich.

I swear they charge $10 for a turkey sandwich with huckleberry chutney and chips. I didn’t order it afterall but their place is always filled with people!

I did stop by the market last night for bread and chips…I can have sandwiches for a week for half that price.

is essential in learning to enjoy my new life. Last night I actually called my ex in Texas. Things haven’t really changed with him…he is who he is and I am who I am…

He did tell me our dog (Rudy) died. That was sad news but really the last connection we had together.

Moving on will be so much easier now.

I was glancing out my window and saw the most beautiful sight…a bald eagle flying along the river then swooping over my house like he knew I was watching him. He was magnificent.

Why would I build a creative arts center/cooking studio here in the wilderness when my grandchildren are in Texas???

Doesn’t really make much sense…

avoiding making any life changing decisions I was playing Bookworm on Yahoo. I rationalize that it keeps my mind agile.

As I was finding words “Montana” kept coming up…3 times to be exact. I was totally surprised. Of course there were no points awarded for it but just was a gentle reminder of where I am to bloom where I am planted. :)

has been my desire to go back to Texas. I have had a week of solitude and prayer to ask my God for guidance in this decision.

He revealed to me the best way to answer that question is for me to do the Ben Franklin close…which is take a piece if paper divide it into 4 columds… (in my case) 2 for Texas…2 for Montana. Then sub title the columns pros and cons.

Then write down everything good and bad about each place in my opinion. Put it away for a few days and don’t really think about it for awhile. Get busy doing other things.

After a few days I looked at my list and the answer appeared…quite magically. The solution has been there all along but I just couldn’t see it.

I learned this trick years ago selling real estate …helping others choose between homes when they couldn’t make up their minds. I had forgotten how effective it is in helping make a decision. :)

I awoke this morning with a fresh perspective on my health and life. For so long I have been holding on to my ideas of what I wanted my life to be as a child. Many of those things I accomplished. Many I accomplished and lost. But those were the dreams of a child.

Now it is time to accept my defeats and successes (which there are many) and move into this new phase of my life. The only thing constant in this world is change. We cannot live in the past. However, we can learn from our mistakes and move past them.

When I look at my list here on 43 Things I am overwhelmed by the ambitions I have for my new life to the point I get paralyzed by the thought of “who do I think I am to be able to do these things?”

Then remember that God does not give us ideas if he does not give us the tools and strength to accomplish them. It’s like the old joke “How do you eat an elephant?” One bite at a time. ;)