stop fancying my housemate

I completely forgot about this site! Well its been exactly a year since all of this started with my (now ex) housemate. Since my last entry a LOT has happened.
I gave up on it all and swallowed my pride and started to become good friends with his girlfriend. If I was to live there then it was essential that I got on with them. And it turned out she and I got on really well. Everything with my housemate was in the past and I was happy.
I met Joe. We started a relationship and I loved finally having someone to have fun with and wake up in the morning in his arms. I was extremely fond of Joe and was excited at the prospect of him being ‘the one’. My housemate I could tell was jealous. He made it perfectly clear to me that he didnt like Joe. We argued about it a lot and it made the atmosphere once again awkward. I felt furious at his behaviour it was like he resented me ever being happy. I started to make plans with Joe to move away. My housemates girlfriend was upset and begged me to stay even though she could sense his jealousy over me and Joe.
Then things turned even worse. Joe’s ex had a baby. His baby. He had refrained from telling me this till the day it was born. He called me up one morning and asked for a lift to the hospital urgently. I was worried and confused and asked Joe to explain why and thats when he told me. I was shocked gutted but most of all heartbroken. My perfect boyfriend wasnt so perfect. I tried to understand but I was so hurt and couldnt forgive Joe for keeping this from me and for being capable of abandonning his pregnant girlfriend. So I heartbrokenly ended the relationship.
I confided in my housemate one night. I was distraught and he comforted me. I ended up sleeping with him again. The next moring his girlfriend came over and I felt awful and could barely look her in the eye. About a week later she found out during an argument. She was distrsught and I felt like a bitch so started looking for somewhere else to live. She stayed by him though – I couldnt believe she would want to stay with such a selfish bastard because that is finally what I saw he was. Just uses women for sex and perhaps he did like me a bit more than just for sex but by then I was fed up and couldnt be bothered to stick around and find out.
He helped me pack my things and the last time I ever saw him was when he said goodbye outside my new home.
This time my housemate was a woman in her 40s. Nice and safe.

So much has happened. I don’t want to be with him, EVER, but I will always have something for him – a chemistry I suppose – but he is a dick and he is leaving for good soon! WWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Bring it on! Twat. SO#o, it’s as over as it is ever going to be – he shagged other girls when he was away all the time he was playing me… nob. So I guess this is as good as done but I can never say forever the feeling will go – just that I will never be with him thank christ! I least I GET IT NOW!

he’s been away 4 weeks. finished it twice but sent a postcard saying he loves me. i spoke to him on the phone last night (he is still away for 4 weeks) and he asked me what would I say if he asked me to go and meet him out there where he is for a few days so we could talk and be away from everything. I said no. He told me to go a few times in the call but kept asking me things before I went to say goodbye. he wants me and he doesn’t want me. he talked about kids again. i told him to have a think a think hard – write a letter not an email in 5 minutes. I still want him. it’s his final chance now. I want to go and see him. feeling a bit weird about it now tho. do i really want to spend my life with someone like this? in the time he has been away I have seen what people are like – nice. this seems like a bit of a joke. but my heart hasn’t given up yet. i await the letter. i sent him an email saying all the good things we could have. a terrified boy who is afraid of being a man will have read that today. lets see what happens it really is his final chance.

And just before he left he was really funny with me when I was trying to establish whether or not I was his girlfriend (as he was going away for 2 months I would like to know where I stand). He really kept a massive physical distance from me, complained I ask too much about where I stand… can you blame me? Why all the weird behaviour before he goes away after talking to me about having kids?

So in a really heartbreaking episode we split up. I have sent him an email saying he has hurt me a lot, should have left me alone if he wasn’t sure about me, like i had asked him to, not to have hurt me over and over (inconsiderate **, suggested that his fear of wanting kids and serious things (which I honestly believe he wants) with me were doing him no favours. Nor me. I explained that his constant changing his mind is what left me feeling and asking all the time,what the hell is going on TODAY? everyday he was different with me, changing all the time.

Who needs this shit?

Well of course you are because we are starting with the most recent yes?

Well – he had all but 3 days away from me and then came home and could not leave me door. Asking me over and over and over to go and talk to him….. why? he wasn’t sure why….

after 3 days of telling myself why I shouldn’t even speak to him – of course I did. and loved it…. and him…. aarrghhh!! he admitted (?) that he has been really scared because he thinks I might be “the one” – what? I said – “How many kids do you want?”.... “What?” I said. We talked about having kids for the next 2 hours before falling asleep in that holding each other this is going to be the parent of my children atmosphere, very caring and loving and lovely…. have you been there??? Well – I still take it with a pinch of salt enjoyable though it is because it could all change tomorrow…. the admitting part is because I am dealing with a man who is 27 years old and is desperately trying to run from parental urges and anything that might mean he is getting older and into a life with less freedom….. but freedom…. I don’t believe kids stop you from doing things… obviously some things, but I am an adventurer, and I know he is too…. but hey… blah ablah ablah

I want about 3 by the way … he wants 7….. (I’m one of 7 – maybe I could do 5 if a multiple birth is in there somewhere?). Oh and it’s terry nappies…. or environmentally friendly at least… man…... if ever I could chose a father and long term partner I think I could chose an easier one…. but would it be as passionate??

I’m in tehe internet cafe and I can smell fish and chips…mmmmmmmmm

I laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of this entry….. something always feels right and something always feels wrong…

x

Ok – maybe this isn’t even about fancying my housemate anymore. We have had a few fantastic weeks – got to know each other a bit better. But things have become too intense and we can’t stop bickering… went on hols together where he was a tw* and out of my closet came my short temper and psycho streak. Not great….. his sister is visiting at the mo and we are having some space. My mum thinks he will come back to me if I leave him. My sister thinks I should tell him to f off. He wants to be my friend if we split up but I can’t give him the pleasure – he has had enough of my time and energy already. I fell in ove with him big time – he did with me too – but i’m not sure how I feel now. I can’t love someone who doesn’t love me. It has been a rollercoaster. I chatted with his sister last night and it seems that the way he has been a dick with me isn’t personal – he has been like that with everyone…. hmmm… can I live with that? Can he live with my occasional psycho outbursts? (Which was actually me tearing up a book – admitting to self harming in the past). He says he is afraid of what I would do to him (I have hit him a couple of times when he is pushing pushing PUSHING me, teasing me, picking on me to try and make me SMILE – which apparently I hardly ever do. He says he is afraid of what I will do to myself. The last conversation we had I was thinking about self harm but just one night away and I have returned back into the real world and not feeling so intense and psycho anymore. Maybe space is the answer – maybe being single is. We share so much….. my feelings are changin – I am very lucky to have had that insight from his sister last night. It’s made me see that his stupid behaviour is normal AND unacceptable not just to me but to his family as well. And I thought I was going mad – it is not me….. no wonder I lost my head – tho I take full responsibility for my psycho outburst which has done me NO FAVOURS WHATSOEVER – that is enough to put anyone off. But if he hadn’t been such a dick….....

He is going away for 2 months in a few days…. hmmmmmm FUck knows what will happen. I love him…. or I loved him – I can’t tell. He will be lucky if any girl puts up with him.

I wonder what will happen next….. dreading him going away.

I’ve lost weight over this – (well I think that’s why I’ve lost weight) – I’m 7 and a half stone…. yuk… it doesn’t look great at all. He liked my ass bigger :0 !!!

Plan is to leave him alone – see if he comes back to me – make him see how fucking brilliant I am. He will be sorry to have been such a tw* ... he could have had everything with me – more than anyone else would have given him. Fool! All men are fools!!

and things seem better than ever….

Yep… I’m not happy about it either, no surprise there. I am keeping mydistance from him.

It came down to him having cold days towards me and I just got sick of full on romance with intermittent off days where he wouldn’t respond to me… ouch. SICK OF BEING REJECTED BY GUYS WHO SAY THEY WANT YOU BUT THEY DON’T! There is more to it than this, a lot more – which I will have a rant about at another time. I haven’t stopped liking him but I am very angry with him and think he is a selfish t**t. He timed finishing with me really well – 2 days before I had 2 uni projects to complete. I still have my final project to do and all that crap isn’t helping me either. I can get quite bad depression as you may see from my other list and things are BAD at the moment. The house is stressful not just because of this situation but an armed raid in the middle of the night with a gunman on lthe loose also has made me feel uncomfortable in the house…. good huh? Anything else want to stress me out?

The future is not bright or fn orange right now.

yep – exactly – this quote from this website

“The problem is never how to get new, innovative thoughts into your mind, but how to get old ones out.”
- Dee Hock

That’s what it feels like is happening :)

three weeks have passed… and I’ve learned a lot. Things between us have been sweeeeet. But don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been easy to get there, it has involved A LOT of talking to figure out just exactly what is going on in both our heads.

And I had got him wrong. He was actually being realistic. I was trying to compartmentalize the ‘relationship’ into the old moulds of my past relationships. This was different – that was what I had to get used to. I could sense his feelings for me were strong and it confused me because he would say contradicotry things – one minute he could see us having kids the next he says …. he cant talk about what is happening in the next few months. OF course he cant. Because no one knows what will. I trusted my sixth sense of just how much he felt for me even tho at first he was very confusing – but actually – he isn’t english and I’ve realised the language has caused BIG misunderstandings in the weeks before. For example he will only half say what he means – I get offended – then I realise that there is more to it but because the words are different to his first language, he is not using the same words he would to express it inhis own language. This can get tiresome! But it’s worth it. He is worth it to me. The more I have relaxed the more he has relaxed and things have become so much better and he is saying more and more wonderful things to me all the time. I can feel he likes me more and he says so too.

It seems he had got me wrong – not in my intentions with him but about who I am and my future plans. That’s way too broad to go into now but basically I put his mind to rights over several issues about myself that were of concern to him. For example having kids… when we first met I had just come out of a serious relationship, on my way to getting married with a date planned for starting trying for a family. I have to say, this is not what I am wanting any more at all. I am not even thinking beyond the next 2-3 months, and that is something that has really changed in me. But he was still convinved that I was still on that plannet baby… no way! thank god!

My worries about being hurt and wanting some kind of official statement saying it is or it isn’t was just ridiculous – a strain on myself and on him. Wanting to fit what was going on into ‘definite’ statements was a real pressure for both of us. Saying we are boyfriend and girlfriend even now I don’t want to. But yes we are together, and its private. No body’s business but our own. We talked and decided we don’t actually want to get together where we are right now – we have got ideas for a bit of travelling over the summer and with bigger more exciting ideas for things abroad later on, but all of them ideas – definites just make everything fall apart… but I don’t need definites now…. But yes, we are in the same circle of friends, and don’t want other people’s comments – we don’t even want to exist as a ‘couple’ in this circle, it would change so much and we are happy as we are. We talked about how it would be when we came back from travelling and as things change when you are away, we would have had time to ourselves (something we dont have now and time to see if we could be together) and things would be different in the circle of friends by then, we ageed we wouldn’t give a f**k what people think then, we would have worked out and felt above and beyond the pressures that bother us now or it wouldn’t have worked…move on etc etc. Right now we need our own space and time. AND – we can have it – and we are having it and it’s great.

Future plans? As they come. We are very happy together and will take any future opportunities if and when they come, if and when we want to. I feel looooooads more relaxed just by changing my attitude. Things feel fn good. Yes it could all end tomorrow but these feelings between us are BIG…. STRONG and fn amazing. It doesn’t feel like any other relationship I have been in coz there is no long term plans… I like it that way.

We talked about having kids, I said no way could I see myself having kids with him…. he said he could…. how he has been with me has changed a lot now we have both relaxed.

Love hurts. Life is suffering. Once you accept that things seem not so hard. It’s all part of life. And I’m doing it. I enjoy the challenges this is putting me up against because there are things about my personality I don’t like – I think too much, I’m too sensitive and want security – and just being with him in this situation is making me relax over a hell of a lot of things that have been bothering me for years…..