accept my family for who they are

My mother and I aren’t speaking. She has a drinking problem, and I am the only one in my family that will stand up to her about it. My brothers know that she has a problem but don’t say anything. Her brothers and mother won’t either. Then, whenever I say anything about it in front of other people they say that she is a grown woman and can make her own decisions, yet when I say something to them about it away from her they all acknowledge that she has a problem. So when, I ask, is a good time for me to press the issue? When she is in jail for a DUI, is fired because she always shows up to work hungover, or when she needs a new liver? It is an unbearable amount of weight to bear, so I stopped talking to her thinking that would show her how it hurts me to see her doing this to herself. She calls…not to apologize, but to tell me about the new crack head she is dating. She doesn’t ask about me and my life, and if I tried to tell her she would find some way to make me feel like crap about it.

I already have one sibling that committed suicide and I’m pretty sure I’m on my way to another. He has not had an actual friend for 6 years. Come to think of it, he stopped socializing right around the time that my parents got divorced. He is now 19 with no friends, no girlfriends ever, and has never even been kissed (not even a peck). He claims that he just hates everyone. He has just not liked anyone in 6 years. I think something is terribly wrong, but my mother just drinks and focuses on herself and my father is doing his thing with his new family. I want to give up on them, but I know I can’t. I don’t know how to fix it.

I’ve done this as much as I can do right now, I think. It’s a work in progress. I think I’ve realized a lot about myself and my family. I’m trying to realize that I need to accept my family for who they are but also accept myself for who I am so I won’t go to pieces/freak out every time they criticize me or guilt-trip me.

but it isn’t. i want to accept them, but how do I do that when they aren’t even within reach? i know i moved away, but really, sometimes i don’t think it was me who moved. i’m full of love, but they are nowhere around sometimes. i guess it’s all a part of growing up, everyone grows apart. i just wish it weren’t so. now the only place i can ever find my sisters is on myspace. myspace, how i hate myspace. myspace, where they feed into superficial, fake friendships. i just feel so left behind somedays. and it is an awful feeling.
why am i even thinking about christmas so much? lately that’s all i’ve been thinking about. being with them. but yet, i’m starting to resent them so much!

i smelled my father today.
someone came and sat next to me today and I remembered my dad from a long time ago, back when I was still a little girl.
He would put on that old cologne, stetsons. Everytime after getting out of the shower, which would be everyday after work and before dinner, he would shower himself in stetsons as well.
is that what it’s called? stetson’s?
i remember my dad. he suffered with alcoholism and continues to, but i remember my dad. he wasn’t as bad a guy as they thought he was, come to think of it.

mostly with my mom and my little sister cindy. it was a nice time in chicago. i went to see my mom and we ended up going to sam’s club where she purchased a very nice coat for me. i was surprised but thankful! After that, we went to go see my cousin’s baby Angel that she just gave birth to on oct 30. He is adorable! It was nice seeing them, a bit sad though because my cousin is going through a roller coaster of emotions right now but that is understood.
On Sunday I went to visit my little sister at her work. She works a concession stand called Relish in the food court of Nordstrom Mall downtown. That place is huge! When she got off work we went shopping a bit and ate a spicy chicken pita. Yummy. We also gossiped a lot about some of our family members. lol. But, I am trying hard to just accept my family for who they are, because after all, they are my family and I can’t change them. At the end of the night we took the L back to my car and I drove her home.
What a sweet ending to a rather pleasant weekend!

at one point, i just wanted to forget i even had one. by family, i am not referring to bri or gabie (my bf and son) but I am referring to those people i grew up with…the people that made me feel awful sometimes for living. the dad that taught me what alcoholism is all about, the mother that kept me tied to her apron with no sense of who I was, the brother who physically & mentally tortured me (not to mention ingnored me) for years and years, the sisters who came later in my life and don’t know a damn thing what suffering is about…yeah yeah yeah…i can tell you all about my family but in the end what does it matter? it’s not like i can go back in time and change the past. i can’t do anything. somethings are just out of my control.
and so i realized today, in the midst of blowing up at my little spoiled sister for telling me mom said she didn’t want me knowing anything about her and her life, that there are some things i can’t change, i can only accept it for what it is.
and it may not be beautiful, it may even be ugly, but it’s mine. it’s my family. and there ain’t nothing i can do about it but just accept it.

I have a disfunctional fa ily. We’re a bunch of crazy people. I didn’t realize it until I was older and got to be in on more of what the hell was going on. There is always conflict between someone in this family. These freaking people drive me crazy. I have more gray hair than I should at my age. We can’t be together in one place for 5 minutes without a fight breaking out. I walk away from it and hide until everyone has calmed down. Don’t get me wrong i love those lunatics and we have fun when it comes time to having fun but i don’t think we should be near each other until christmas time when there is a lot of food and a lot of alcohol. Sometimes I wish I belonged to a different family or the one I have was at least normal and without conflict for more that two days. I just have to learn that they are who the are and I can’t change that because thats my family. However crazy or disfunctional they are my family. And I guess I’m part of the craziness and the disfunction.

My family visited; they put their preconceptions about my lack of religion aside and decided to (mostly) accept me for who i am. now i know they are still hoping and all, but for now, there is peace. maybe i can finally heal…

Lately I have been doing this pretty well. I think aging sobers everyong. We just had a scare with my dad with his heart. He is ok tho. Talk about making you think.

Then I used to be..and I’m better at ignoring qualities that I don’t “accept”. I think it’s easier to do when you have individual relationships with the people and just not group relationships. I now go out to lunch with just my brother or just my sister-in-law, where it used to always be the entire family.