end my life

hi i’m alone in this world so i decided to end my life , plz help me how to end my life. plz give me a new idea to end life.

I’m doing better some days and worse other days. I’m keeping this goal for now because I’m not ready to let it go just yet. So much is coming up that will affect my mood and well-being. I am trying to not let it affect me but I’m not doing so well with that yet. I was thinking today. Since I have this goal I should just take chances on life. But I’m not sure I can just up and leave my children. Also I have so much debt and no savings.

The meeting today went much better than I thought it would. I read all of your messages to me and I toke a deep breath and went to the meeting.

to all the wonderful people who have responded. I’m still feeling down. Tomorrow (saturday) I have a long meeting. I do not look forward to it. I’m so tired of meetings and having to prove myself and defend myself over and over. I’m not a criminal on trial but I sure do feel like I am.

I’ve done everything I was told to do so I’d get my children back. But I’m not getting them back. Now I’m living in a home I might not have chosen (the hospital decided I should take this place so I could get my children home soon), I’m in debt because I had to buy certain items to get my children home, I’ve spent a fortune on medicin because I was told I’d get my children home if I toke my medication every day, I’m spending all my time talking to doctors and social workers and therapist and lots of others.

I’ve done selfhelp books and programs to improve and evolve.

I cannot keep doing everything they tell me because they are never satisfied and I’m not getting my children back. I was promissed I’d get them back just after getting out of the hospital, then soon after, then half a year, then years and now most likely never because I’ll never be 100% well as they want me to be. It’s just not possible to be 100% well with schizophrenia (the doctors say).

Before getting into the hospital I was considered very fit to care for my children though at that time I was also mentally ill and not in treatment but nobody knew (even me). The only thing that has changed is that people now know I’m mentally ill. So they assume that I’m now unfit to care for my children. Nobody has seen me spend time with my children. They just assume because of the relationship with the doctor. But (as I told them) most people are different when talking to a doctor, a friend, on the job or with their children.

For years there’s been meetings and court because of my ex. Now this on top of it.

I hardly get to see my children and I have no idea what to say when my children ask when they can move back home or when they (often) say they want to stay with me.

I am so close to giving up completely.

i have had enuth of all this naw i just wunt to end all this pane i have tride 3 times but pepal have fand me and takan me to hopitall or i past out coz of i had to muth voker whive the tabluts life shudunt hut like this and the anty dipresunts r shit thay r only good 4 over dosing it is to heard

if i end my life it won’t be until later.

i think that i am done trying.. jsut yesterday i thought i had been happy but i really knew that i have not been happy for years… i work three jobs just to not even get by… my frist love left me… and i thought that i would try love again.. so for like a month now i thoguht that if i presued this girl i would be happy .. she is 6 years older than me and has a son.. which i thoguht was fine. one yeaterday my life turned upside down.. i had not been hearing from her for a few days so i decided to go and see her at her house to see what was wring. she was not there so i was jsut like ok i will go to town and see if i cant find her… so on the way there i was on a road i had never been on before and i lost controll on a dirt road slid abotu 40 feet where my car went on its side and rolled onto the roof into a creek. i almost didi nto get out alive. and then later in the day my “girlfriend” was telling me all this stuff.. and then she had said i lied to her about how old i was. we were out to eat and i was shocked… she thought i was 21 i never told her that but she thought it and when i mentioned that i was only 20 she said she was mad at me and left me at the resturant… and then txt’ed me and told me to loose her number. at this point my wrecked car is in her driveway.. and i have not heard from her yet todya… i have no car to get to work and now nothing to look forward to relationally sso i really havfe not been able to eat in over 36 hours and am probally going to walk to work… i thnkn i am jsut going to get hit my a truck and end it .. it would be much easieer than have to be happy one day and then the next only to be crushed again…..

I’ve tried to find other ways out, but none of them work. Counselors who don’t seem to understand. Doctors who don’t care. I’m so tired of things being like this. I’m lonley and I’m tired of wishing I had some one who cared about me to help me through this. I’m tired of struggling I just want it to end.

i’m not going to kill myself yet but at some points if things don’t change i really will. i don’t know when but i really mean it. too much shit in my life.