disarm fears, promote pleasure, and reduce suffering

It’s not too big of a question to ask. And you’re not too small to ask it.

I would rather be a notorious failure, attempting to do something great for the common good than to be very successful at doing something normal.

I’ve been very successful at doing normal things and that process has not been enough for me.

I’m still working toward doing great things. And I’m willing to be a notorious failure.

Have you ever studied traditional financial economics? Supply and demand? Definitions of goods, services, costs, and profits?

The study of economics is complex. It’s not always intuitive. It’s sometimes subjective and often debated. As in the study of higher math or science principles, not everything is objective and agreed upon. And even with a vast understanding of economics, economics does not often assure predictability.

In financial economics there are at least many “agreed upon” definitions and terms. There are many agreed upon cause and effect principles. And there are many agreed upon definitions of “growth” and “profit.”

Comparatively, if you try to figure out “economic rules” or “term definitions” for social relationships, those rules and definitions are probably more varied than financial economic rules and definitions.

What am I trying to say? Why is this important?

I think many people have a concept that “most people are alike and want the same things.” And that may not be true.

In social relationships, defining what is a “good” action can be different, or even opposite, between different people. Defining what is a “service” can also be different, or even opposite, in one relationship compared to another.

In some relationships, funny is a good thing. In others, funny generally is not a good thing. Further, “funny” can be defined completely different, or even opposite, for different people. What is “funny” to one couple can be offensive, insensitive, or rude to another couple.

In some relationships, verbal fighting is a healthy and desired means for getting to the emotional truth between two people. In other relationships, verbal fighting can be intolerable by one or both of the people.

In some relationships, candor and criticism are wanted and shared. In other relationships, the couple agree that candor and criticism should be severely censored.

Why am I emphasizing these differences and opposites?

The methods for trying to make a relationship work with one person can be dramatically different than trying to make a relationship work with another person.

I feel incredibly sad and sorry for people who think they’ve “tried being in a relationship and it doesn’t work for me.” I’m not saying they are wrong. But my significant other experiences support the concept that the methods to success in different relationships are not universal. They are not always consistently similar.

It is very important to understand that while there may be many general courtesy skills and sensitivity aptitudes that may help most people do well in intimate relationships, it’s equally important to know that the environments, actions, and considerations for succeeding in one relationship may be completely different than the environments, actions, and considerations needed to succeed with a different person.

I think many of us have some understanding of this concept? Don’t many of us have different friends who look for different behaviors from us? Some like us spicy, and some like us mild.

I just don’t want people to mistakenly think they don’t know how to make an intimate long term relationship work, simply because they haven’t yet found someone who likes their interactive behaviors. I especially don’t want individuals, who have only had one or two long term significant other relationships, to mistakenly believe they don’t “have what it takes” or “don’t have what is wanted” for a long term significant other relationship.

Look for social companions who are looking for the same communicative feedback patterns you seek. I’m not just saying look for someone with similar interests. More specifically, look for someone who enjoys the types of dialogue, pacing, and environments you enjoy most at home, while casually relaxing, and during intimate times.

In relationships, the actions that lead to “profit” between two people are more varied than you may assume. The “profitable” actions wanted by one person can be completely unwanted by another person. This does not make the action generally good or bad.

But part of the trick to finding compatible friends or significant others is finding people who find the things you want to do “good” – whether it’s joking, watching movies, arguing politics, quietly gardening together, playing sports, etc. It’s not important that you both like to do all the same things, but it sure helps if you both genuinely admire similar actions, habits, and intents as the other person.

If you’re with a person who, for whatever reasons can’t stand things you enjoy doing, things you consider to be either very good, fun, or at the least benign, then the problem may not be you. Part of a solution may be finding someone else or other people who enjoy doing things you enjoy doing.

If you’re trying to find and do the “good” traits or habits that “everybody” likes, you may never find those standards. Don’t beat yourself up for liking to do things your significant other doesn’t like to do. It’s not necessarily your problem that they don’t like some of the things you really like. It’s not necessarily your task to change those parts of you.

If you want to have more happy interactions, look for more social contacts who genuinely like the things you genuinely enjoy doing.

Sometimes, more good times and profitable outcomes will never be found in the chemistry of the one person you are currently with. Sometimes, more good times and profitable outcomes will come from other social contacts who naturally want the types of things you want.

You shouldn’t beat yourself up, or your current significant other, if the two of you simply don’t enjoy the same things. No one may be at fault. There is no universal rule either of you are necessarily breaking. Sometimes, there are certain kinds of fun and pleasantries you will likely more easily find with other people.

I’m alone this morning, having safely transported various family members to locales where they can visit old friends.

I’m staying at my mother’s home, the home where I was raised.

Last night, I decided to drive by and see old places I have not seen in 20 years.

Why do we go back and visit old places where we were formed? And why would we write about those experiences?

I grew up in one of the greenest places on Earth . . . literally. Trees and bushes grow huge if left to themselves. Houses appear dwarfed by the rebellious trees and landscapes. The landscape is in a regular competition with man made structures.

I drove to a city nearby, a city I had not been to in many years. Where the streets used to end, they had been widened and extended. The “edges of town” were now somewhere in the middle.

I drove there to see an old home I had not seen in 20 years, a home where my first love’s family lived. I only visited there because I knew they had moved out several years ago, so I would not be intruding on their privacy.

In thinking to myself, I was trying to figure out why I wanted to see it again.

One of the reasons I write is because I forget things . . . important things. So, writing allows me to describe and remember personal memories and ideas that would otherwise fade in clarity over time.

Part of me wanted to see these old haunts because I wanted to assure myself they actually existed. The memories are so old and distant that I wanted to assure myself the places were real . . . even if my memories have waxed rose-colored over time.

I drove up to the home I had known.

The home was very different, not because my memory was incorrect, but because the new owners had painted it an unenthusiastic shade of yellow. They had converted the garage to a family room. They’d poured a cement foundation through a third of the backyard, likely enlarging the master bedroom and bath. As was the trend in the 1990s through 2007, they’d decided to extend the house toward the lot limits, to create more square footage and less yard.

Some things remained the same. The old front door and lamp appeared to be the same.

I thought, “The building, the stage, is not the source of magic. The magic is found in the cast of characters. And without the cast, the stage is hollow and lonely for me.”

With so many things changed and remodeled, it took me several minutes to confirm whether this formerly small home was the correct home I was looking for. To orient myself, I walked about 150 feet down the street where a small park used to be.

Sure enough, the park was still there. Calling it a “park” is kind of ambitious – it’s about 20 feet wide and 50 feet deep in the middle of a dense subdivision, a green space set aside in the subdivision plan. Now the “park” is overgrown with bushes taller than me. There’s no place to walk in this “park.” No grass. It’s more of a place where neighborhood kids can hide to drink beers or tell secrets.

But nevertheless, the park was just down from her house, where I expected it to be. I found the one bench in the park, a bench where we sat when she told me I was no longer a person she wanted to make time for in her life. She was not the last person to communicate that kind of decision to me, but she was the first significant person to communicate that decision to me.

I looked around to see if there was something incidental I could take from these places, something to remember them by. But there was no souvenir I could take that was not perishable or valuable, so I left each place alone.

From there, I drove, trying to feel my way back to my old high school. I found my way without missing a turn, even though the landscape and buildings had changed dramatically.

It was late on a Friday evening, and I didn’t expect anything to be open. But a local professional drama troupe was performing in the old auditorium where I had been a Thespian years before. I walked into the foyer, to see a painting I had not seen in many years, a painting I’d created that had become a part of the auditorium’s permanent decor. The painting had been moved, but it was still in the foyer. I took a picture of it. I would have liked to have walked backstage, to see the places where so many important moments of my life had occurred, but a new show was in progress, and I did not want to be disrespectful or disruptive, so I walked away.

I walked to my old art classroom and looked into the windows of that two-story room where my art teacher had introduced me to so many concepts about art, composition, color, and history.

I walked past all the temporary buildings (what school doesn’t have temporary buildings these days?) and looked into the “smoker’s courtyard” where high school kids would smoke between classes. The area was fenced off and re-assigned to various maintenance vehicles.

When I attended my high school, it had over a thousand students. It serviced a very large area. A few years after I left, the school’s district was cut in two and a new high school took on half of the school’s population.

When I attended the school, it serviced two cities. I lived on the far edge of one city it serviced. And she lived 20 mintues away on the far end of the other city it serviced. In most situations, she and I would have never met. If we’d been a few years younger, she and I would have never met. One more neighborhood further, she and I would have never met. It would have saved me a lot of worry, concern, and heartache if she and I had never met.

But that’s not the way it happened. As it happened, she and I met. And she changed my world . . . permenantly . . . irrevocably. And hopefully, her influence on me did some good for others. Hopefully, her influence did a fraction of the good for others that it did for me.

Do with others what will profit them.

Do not do with others what will not profit them.

A common theme in tragic stories is this:

The answers were in view for a long time, but you did not perceive or interpret them correctly soon enough.

In real life, the goal is not, as is commonly assumed, “to win.”

More often, the goal is “to sustain” or “to build on what has been maintained.”

Over time, the attractiveness of your significant other will not be primarily determined by their physical features. Rather, their beauty will be revealed in the quality of their conduct, the intelligence of their mind, and the kindness in their eyes.

Love is not simply about desiring someone else. It’s not simply about always liking someone else’s company.

Love means you want to do the regular work it takes to support someone else’s emotional, financial, and cognitive well-being.

Love means caring for another person long after realizing there are parts of them you oppose.

Love means being willing to partner with someone who is often not similar to you.

Love is about continuing to accompany someone after it has stopped being easy.

Love stays.

Love stays, even after the person you love has walked away.

Love concedes faults and adapts to the needs of others.

Love does not require living in a closet.

Love does not pervert the concept of “trust” to require each other to agree to tell the same lies.

Love does not fear truths being told.

Love does not err on the side of being considerate of fewer people. It errs on the side of being considerate of more.

I often write in my sleep. Voices don’t speak to me, it’s just me thinking to myself in my dreams. My mind never stops. This morning, as I was waking up between 6:15 and 6:30 am, I wrote this:

If a Heavenly Father existed, He would not be that interested in allowing trials and tribulations to persist in order for you to prove how well you could love Him. Rather, he may allow trials and tribulations to persist in order for you to prove how well you could love each other.

At least that’s the kind of love my father modelled for me.