I think I see glimmers of hope for this actually happening. I think she’s proud of me sometimes. Of my being able to pay my own way. That I’ve been able to give up alcohol. Of the fact that I stand up for myself at work etc. But then days like yesterday happen. Days when I stop counting the sentences starting with the words “That’s another thing that’s the matter with you…”...
Yesterday she told me why this relationship won’t work either; all the things I’m doing wrong (in her opinion). Sometimes I get the feeling that she’d prefer me being single for the rest of my life :) I could feel myself going cold all over, but I listened and asked her advice…
Yesterday she brought the dress along that she’s making me for my birthday, to try on so she could make alterations. It is such lovely fabric…
Yesterday we had the most vicious fight we’ve had in a long, long time… She told me to tell my Dr what a fucked-up mother I have. I told her that the only person who thinks I have a fucked-up mother, is she… And that I have enough shit to sort through, and that maybe she should go and see a shrink herself if she’s so convinced that she’s done such a crappy job at raising me.
She jumped in her car, drove to my brother’s farm, told him I don’t know what, and he phoned me in a rage demanding to know what I’d done to Mom. Later he sent me a text to apologize, but did mention that he and she hadn’t had a fight in the past 4 years and that I should perhaps try it… What he doesn’t realise is that he’s always been her child :) I was my dad’s child… And Dad is gone.
As she got in her car, she shouted that I should toss the dress in the garbage, because she’s not finishing it. It’s a pity. It was going to look lovely. This wasn’t the first time she’s given and taken away at a whim, but this is it. I’ll never let her make me another thing in her life.
I guess I’ll never really give up on this goal, but I’m giving it up here. Looking at it every day hurts too much. It’s time to move on.
