I kind of put this on my list as a “stretch” goal without thinking it would really be something I accomplished. But I reconnected with the love of my life (from childhood). Our mothers were childhood friends and she was there with my mom on the day I was born. He was born just 4 months and 3 days before me. When his mom asked me, “how did this happen?” I replied, “you and my mom started this”. Anyway, what I never thought possible is my reality. I married “the one”. He isn’t perfect, but he’s perfect for me. 2 months ago
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mamidragon"Human speech is like a cracked kettle on which we tap crude rhythms for bears to dance to, while we long to make music that will melt the stars." - Flaubert
“It’s like that quote I told you about how words are like banging on the drum to make bears dance…I don’t know how to tell you what I want to tell you. Language is so pathetically insufficient…I just sputter meaninglessly when I try to talk to you.”
“Some things I don’t have words for, too. I know what you mean.”
“We have to talk more about this soon. I think about you incessantly.”
“That’s only fair.”
“Is that to imply that maybe the converse is true?”
“Good night!” 5 months ago
I’m falling in love and I never thought I would. It’s exciting and a little scary. I’m not one to usually take risks and usually keep to myself. I’m taking a huge gamble by giving all of myself to this person and I know he is too. agghhh asdfghjkl; can I be back at school already? I told him I loved him over the phone because I was home but I knew I had to tell him because I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I had to let him know. I HATE the fact that I always hold things in so I figured the hell with it and actually let him know. 6 months ago
“We can go whenever you want, your wish is my command.”
“Oh, I’m good, I’m happy to follow along. I’ll do what you want.”
“I said, remember that after we’re married.”
“Oh and I suppose I should give ya a nice stick to beat me with when I burn dinner, too, eh?” 9 months ago
then everything else will fall into place….if I am in my now & completely happy – NO ONE or ANYTHING has the power to take that away from me – I CAN LIVE W/0 ANYONE….but KNOW the person who is for me will come in the RIGHT TIME10 months ago
I am in a place where I don’t want to be with him – but seriously miss his friendship….he seems to be @ a place where everything is misunderstood – my gut says…..he’s got a lot of hurt & either doesn’t realize it or because for so long he HAD to crush all feelings down….he can’t recognize who he is anymore…. 10 months ago
...the kingdom of God and all these other things you’re consumed with desire over will be added unto you.” – Somewhere n the Bible
“I loved too much and by such – by such – is happiness thrown away.” – Irish song, Raglan Road
Wanting someone in an all-consuming way has never helped me get him, when it comes to people. That’s because it’s friggin’ uncomfortable to have so much of somebody else’s attention and devotion. I would know, it’s a nice sentiment to be worshipped but you get caught up in how much pressure you’re under to make everything work out, to not disappoint someone who has (totally unfairly) given you more control over his feelings than he has.
No, obsessing over him isn’t the way to his heart, not is playing games of aloofness – I believe, however, that the improvement of my person to become as great as he thinks I am is a step in the right direction. The way to his heart is through what he already admires about me. Whatever I want to do to pursue him, redirect to pursue a better character. Give to my dreams what is his.
These are specific goals to seek to make myself who I want to be, and incidentally, who is worthy of him:
Article I: Character
...A. Be more aware, stop living in imagination and notice real people’s struggles and opportunities to make things better for them.
...B. Accept, accept, accept everything. What’s the big deal?
...C. Be more like his girlfriend – don’t give a shit, don’t even notice there’s anything anyone would give a shit about going on at all.
...D. Appear less intelligent and not at all opinionated to avoid making anyone feel stupid.
...E. Actually become more gracious and classy – specifically, more aware and responsive to people around you, less in your own head and self-consumed.
Article II: Integrity
...A. Debt. Move wherever a livelihood exists, work daily, and take a vow of poverty, allocating all amounts greater than required for third-world subsistence + reasonable skincare maintenance to repayment of student loans.
...B. Restraint. Continue refraining from throwing pussy at him, showing up at his door late at night, calling him late at night, kissing him, taking his arm sober, letting him kidnap you, sleeping over at his house, falling into his arms, etc.
...C. Self-Reliance. Stop depending on parents.
Article III: Skills and Habits
...A. Learn to love to clean.
...B. Learn Bach and Beethoven on piano.
...C. Learn sewing better.
Article IV: Desire
...A. Always have a boyfriend cooler than him, whom you’re actually into enough that you might fall for bf and forget the love whom you seek. Not that I ever will, just, hoping. Practice loving. Be unattainable.
...B. Practice all sexual acts. Request coaching and advice if possible, and practice at least three times a day.
...C. Decrease regular unhealthy-food intake, practice regular running, yoga, dance, and work. Maintain model-thin, exotically-thin proportions, as well as general good health. Target waist measurement: 24. Target weight: 108. (This is easy to do for a day, but try to keep it over the course of all days). Fast one day a week & eat vegan one day a week. No restrictions for one-to-two-day stretches of family feasting / visits / holidays.
...D. Stop picking skin forever and for realsies this time. Charge self $1 each time a session happens, & give to charity or invest in retirement. Try new skin tone-improving products and continue using ones that have worked. Possibly go on birth control (See Article IV part B).
OK. So, seek to be the kind of person he thinks I am, meanwhile not giving a shit about anything he says or does, meanwhile loving him as a friend. <3 11 months ago