Stop punching walls

Bad times

But I tore quite a bit of skin off my knuckle hitting the console in my car. I was aggravated already and then a piece of the dash broke off again and it pissed me off. So I slammed my fist on to it a lot.

That was last night. This morning I did it again after meeting with a nurse practitioner that was a total bitch and pissed me off.

but I doubt my alternative was any better.

Something was said that hurt me and I was at someone else’s house so I wasn’t in the position to punch a wall. Instead I waited until I was in the room alone and I punched myself in the leg. I wasn’t in the best mood and was feeling a bit down and when things got said, I was just feeling shitty. So when I was alone I punched myself (a few times) and it left some nasty bruises. It wasn’t really done out of anger, mostly I did it because I knew it would keep me from crying. I felt the pain and it made things better briefly.

In my life this has happened only once… two years ago and there was immense provocation. Still never again.

My dad was a guy who did this a lot and I have never respected that lack of control. It seems infantile in a way. We all have our breaking points… believe me I get that, but walking it off is better.

On a good note I did not break my hand although I still carry the scars and while I only remember hitting the wall once both hands were bleeding, and there were three holes. Apparently what little martial arts I have had held true… nice clean and fast hits.

When I repaired the hole I made sure to leave a spot to remind me that I am human.

obviously means I am not doing very good with this at the moment.

I honestly can’t remember the last time I actually did this. I guess that is definitely progress.

was not a good day…

The bad part is that I did it today. The good part is that I still do it less than I once did. Still gotta consider it nice progress. My brother moved out and took his punching bag with him so I haven’t been able to use that, but at least I don’t feel like punching the wall as much as before.

I have been doing very well will this. This was mostly triggered by one certain person, who is not a big part of my life right now. I have done it a couple of times this summer, kind of a pure reflex action, but mostly I hold it back until I can get out to my brothers punching bad. Not entirely the same effect, but it still feels pretty good.

And I want to do it again and again. It does hurt them afterwards, but it’s a feel good pain. I’m pissed. I’m annoyed. I want to just scream FUCK!!! I want to beat the hell out of something. My knuckles are already swollen and I can tell they are going to bruise. And I get some sick pleasure out of this whole damn thing.