embrace imperfection

“When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.”
-Buddha

I have a very hard time when I don’t live up to my own expectations or those of others. Had to admit to myself and my boss today that I had not completed a task we had set for me this summer. Very embarrassing and demoralizing. I’ve been working very hard and extra hours, but didn’t prioritize this and all of the sudden the summer is nearly gone and I have made no progress. I hate this. Some good friends talked me down today and helped me figure out how to respond with integrity and honesty without slipping into self-denigration, defensiveness or grovelling. I was then able to pull myself together. Tomorrow (which isn’t a work day for me), I start again and will try to make some progress, in order to get back on track.

E M B R A C E- yourself. Give yourself a hug. You are you. Yes, you may improve what you do not like.. But do not stress and fret and feel unworthy. Love yourself every single minute. Just forget everything you have learned. Re-learn how to love.

I am thinking of doing ‘Photo-Therapy’.. Taking photos of myself in very blunt, and true to life poses. No ‘skinny’ angles.. NONE. This might teach me to see what others see, and accept that it isnt that bad.

but it is so much harder than the glib statement implies. What does it even mean when I say I am learning to “embrace imperfection”? Am I really, truly okay with putting out substandard work? NO, indeed, I am really, truly NOT okay with putting out substandard work. On the other hand, if I fixate on making everything perfect before I let the world see it, my perfectionist Virgo self would never accomplish anything, given that I am so easily paralyzed by fear of failure.

So, here’s the scoop: I’ve been working on this conference poster this weekend and I think it is going to suck. For starters, I am the least visually-oriented person in the universe and have no sense of graphic design, so I’ll be using a boring, pre-established template. Worse than that, though, is that I don’t have the content I want and, at this point, I know I won’t have the content I want. One has to submit these proposals months before the conference, you know, so when I submitted the proposal, I envisioned that I would be much further along with my work than I am. There isn’t much I can do about that right now. I set myself an agenda for the spring that is too ambitious, given that I have a new job that I’ve been in only since January 5, given all the other things I agreed to do, given my anxious psyche. So, this is all a long, roundabout way of saying that I just have to make the best of it at this point and finish something today so that the poster can get printed tomorrow.

Embracing imperfection is necessary for me, I know, but it kind of sucks. A lot.

I’m loving this book I’m reading right now by Haruki Murakami called Kafka on the Shore. It touches on the idea of imperfection a lot… In this next passage a character is talking about why he likes Schuert’s Sonata in D Major. He’s already explained that no pianist has ever been able to completely nail it, and it’s because the sonata itself is imperfect.

“That’s why I like to listen to Schubert while I’m driving. As I said, it’s because all the performances are imperfect. A dense, artistic imperfection stimulates your consciousness, keeps you alert. If I listen to some utterly perfect performance of an utterly perfect piece while I’m driving, I might want to close my eyes and die right then and there. But listening to the D major, I can feel the limits of what humans are capable of – that a certain type of perfection can only realized through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect. And personally, I find that encouraging.”

I find that encouraging as well.

at my job lately i feel i am playing a game of whack-a-mole – everything i turn in seems to pop back up and need revisions… and re-revisions. not just my work, but everyone’s work. and i have to submit comments and revisions for their work too, on top of the assignments that keep rolling in and piling up. i am really at the snapping point.

at first i figured this is probably ultimately good because the project will turn out better for it. but honestly, no matter how many times it is redone, nothing will ever be perfect! there are also time trade-offs for all the re-doing. it is funny how long it has taken me to just now recognize a large source of demand for perfection in my life. hopefully i will be able to shine this lens on some of my own behavior.

that there is something about staying with non-ok feelings and accepting that I am ok just like now how I am and not when I’ll be this and that, all sorted out. I am ok now, as unsorted and alive as I am!!

There is something about psychology/therapy which scares me – all those psycho-ideas I have studied, taught, believed in seem to fuel split notions of being ok and non-ok, of ‘I’ll be ok when’, of not addressing proper issues and making things worse, in an even more twisted way. I saw a film last night, ‘running with scissors’ and that reminds me of my family, making comments about others projecting, being unaware, being non-ok, etc. scary

oh, how this one makes my heart ache.

_{by Alanis Morrissette}

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

you’ll think that it’s impossible to change your perspective about this.. but really, nobody’s perfect.. it’s all in our mind.. it’s doesn’t exist here in this world… I think we set rules about knowing what’s perfect and what’s not AND THEN when you learned to embrace your imperfection’s you’ll breathe easy… and they’re part of our everyday living. Once we made mistake/s we should say to ourselves ‘I did it, now i know it and I’ll do better next time around’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OywoHUHoqMc