embrace imperfection

I’m loving this book I’m reading right now by Haruki Murakami called Kafka on the Shore. It touches on the idea of imperfection a lot… In this next passage a character is talking about why he likes Schuert’s Sonata in D Major. He’s already explained that no pianist has ever been able to completely nail it, and it’s because the sonata itself is imperfect.

“That’s why I like to listen to Schubert while I’m driving. As I said, it’s because all the performances are imperfect. A dense, artistic imperfection stimulates your consciousness, keeps you alert. If I listen to some utterly perfect performance of an utterly perfect piece while I’m driving, I might want to close my eyes and die right then and there. But listening to the D major, I can feel the limits of what humans are capable of – that a certain type of perfection can only realized through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect. And personally, I find that encouraging.”

I find that encouraging as well.

at my job lately i feel i am playing a game of whack-a-mole – everything i turn in seems to pop back up and need revisions… and re-revisions. not just my work, but everyone’s work. and i have to submit comments and revisions for their work too, on top of the assignments that keep rolling in and piling up. i am really at the snapping point.

at first i figured this is probably ultimately good because the project will turn out better for it. but honestly, no matter how many times it is redone, nothing will ever be perfect! there are also time trade-offs for all the re-doing. it is funny how long it has taken me to just now recognize a large source of demand for perfection in my life. hopefully i will be able to shine this lens on some of my own behavior.

that there is something about staying with non-ok feelings and accepting that I am ok just like now how I am and not when I’ll be this and that, all sorted out. I am ok now, as unsorted and alive as I am!!

There is something about psychology/therapy which scares me – all those psycho-ideas I have studied, taught, believed in seem to fuel split notions of being ok and non-ok, of ‘I’ll be ok when’, of not addressing proper issues and making things worse, in an even more twisted way. I saw a film last night, ‘running with scissors’ and that reminds me of my family, making comments about others projecting, being unaware, being non-ok, etc. scary

oh, how this one makes my heart ache.

_{by Alanis Morrissette}

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

Acknowledging the difference between an ideal and a realistic ideal. Accepting that failure is not merely an end, but more a begining.

In the end, what counts is the experience, having that past history to rely on the next time around, creating stories to tell. That’s what one takes away from mistakes, the actual pain and embaressment fades over time.

you’ll think that it’s impossible to change your perspective about this.. but really, nobody’s perfect.. it’s all in our mind.. it’s doesn’t exist here in this world… I think we set rules about knowing what’s perfect and what’s not AND THEN when you learned to embrace your imperfection’s you’ll breathe easy… and they’re part of our everyday living. Once we made mistake/s we should say to ourselves ‘I did it, now i know it and I’ll do better next time around’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OywoHUHoqMc

You know, really, making mistakes just sucks, especially when they are kind of public. I’m really feeling kind of naive and emotional right now, lacking in particular kinds of experience, especially navigating interpersonal situations. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, yet I know that isn’t always appropriate. How do I stay true to myself and honest without sharing too much personal information in a professional situation? How to I develop a stronger shield and ability to protect myself? Even though I am not particularly young in years anymore, I feel young in experience.

The problem is that we always pay for our mistakes, in some way.

I make a lot of mistakes.