work on myself

How I did it: This Septemeber, I was feeling very angry and down for three days in a row and I didn't know if it was PMS related, but I decided to go with it. I was trying to figure out why I date the same type of guys: underachievers, drama, wild, hostile etc.  They represented the old me in every way, but I was changing. I was doing more with myself, I was calming down immensely from my younger care-free days and taking on more responsibility, I was moving away from drama( I used to love it because I had no life as do most drama seekersand I could be very aggressive and combative) . I also went through something with an ex and a former friend that called in the loyalty of my other friends. It was an eye opener to see who stood by me, who didn't and why. That particular incident occurred over two years ago, but it stayed with me and took me two years to heal and I had to grow in so many ways.

On that third day of my emotional meltdown in September, I read a blog by MoxieintheCity about taking accountability and looking within yourself. I also read something about the affects on girls who grow up without a father. I also read Steve Harvey's Book Act like a Lady. Think Like a  Man, and then I had a two day revelation with tears and all.

For a while I knew why I dated the people that I did and with that knowledge I decided in the past to stop dating . There was the issues of the type of guys that I dated. Although I was changing, like attracts like, and I was attracting guys who acted just like my younger 19 yr old brother. My father passed when I was 8 and so I didn't have a male role model even though I had a strong female role model. People would tell me that they are sorry when  I'd inform them that he was deceased after they mentioned him, but I never understood why they were sorry. I loved my father and he treated me like his spoiled princess, but I  got past his untimely death. Or so I thought. At 25, I finally realized why people were apologizing. I missed out on having someone who would show me how a man is supposed to be. So did my brother. I missed out on an important part of childhood even if I still had a good upbringing. I missed out on learning certain qualities that a father can teach a daughter, and it explained why I was so aggressive. I finally grieved once and for all for the daddy that I lost.While on a date recently, I sat in a lane opposite a young girl and her dad who were having their bowling night and I got a little misty eyed for the first time. For the first time since I was young I felt a twinge of sadness for missing out.

Other issues- I  had my own business and money from age18-24, but I was afraid of dating someone who was in a better position than I was at the time out of fear of being inadequate education-wise. I hadn't completed my hs degree or finished college yet. There was the issue with not being in school and not wanting to date anyone (subconsciously) who was in school or had finished for reasons of inadequacy. I finally got past that as I finally got my GED at 24, returned to college, and started excelling. Now there is no question of my competency and I don't feel like an academic failure despite being successful business-wise.

Other issues- My brother and I would always fight and argue, and I mostly attracted guys with whom I'd do the same- especially guys who lacked manners and were rebels to a certain degree. I realized that I was dating my younger brother because (although I thought I had an idea of a good man and I sort of did) I subsconsciously looked for guys who treated me the way that my brother did and who acted like him in some ways without realizing it. My brother is young and he hasn't had a male role model and it affects him as well, but he's a good person for the most part. He just needs to learn how to be a man and I imagine it is even harder for him not even knowing our dad since he was a baby when he passed. So, I had to forgive him for the way he acted towards me and the way I responded, and I had to forgive myself, learn from it and work on our relationship

Other issues- I was too into drama with friends and placed importance on having lots of them. I was also into travelling, partying and everything that kept me from being focused on pursuing my degree and getting serious in life. I had to put down my party hat and get my life on track. I had to grow up and go back to school. I had to be by myself and learn about myself- the good and the bad. I had to realize that I've been immature for a while and a bad friend at times. A gossip. Once I got a life, I realized how idle I've been.

Other issues- Being hurt by love. The one guy that I fell deeply in love with at 18, treated me like a queen and we thought we were soulmates. He  left me because he said he couldn't deal with me being more financially independent than him. He says his ego got in the way. It stayed with me until I was 24  because we'd always keep in contact from time to time and he'd tell me that he still thought we were meant to be, and we'd get married in 10 years or so when we both grew up some. I had to face the fact that if he wanted me then he would be with me. I had to face the hurt and pain and stop holding out subconsciously. I finally stopped hiding and living in the past of my failed relationship and past self. I felt like him leaving me was equivalent to my father abandoning me (although he died). I  felt like the only men who truly loved me left me and I was afraid to love again or let myself be vulnerable out of fear of getting hurt. I was also afraid of dating someone who will treat me as good as they did because I didn't want to be left again.

Other issues-I was very negative in thinking. I'd see someone and make a comment in my head. I had to be real with myself and ask why I was bad mouthing that person and realize that I was just "hating" because it is something that I have been so used to doing. Now I've noticed that I don't notice other females and make comments. I just work on myself.

Other issues- I was secretly afraid of working in the real world. Afraid of being rejected because I spent 5 years not working for anyone but myself. I didn't deal with the public too much outside of the normal mundane tasks. I had to deal with it by getting into the workforce and learning to be confident and learning how to deal with different people.

other issues- I used to be a bitch and put people down. I had to learn to separate myself from people who had similar attitudes becauste they weren't positive people for me. My bff doesn't know this or maybe she is catching on, but I've had to distance myself from her since she moved back. She reminds me of old attitudes and ways of mine that I've come to dislike. I feel like I've grown up some and learned how to respond to people in a more positive and genuine way and maybe she has too, but when we are around one another she reverts to her 13 year old self.

Once I confronted all of those issues and dealt with them accordingly, I attracted a guy, an acquaintance from school, who treats me better than all of my exes, good and bad combined. He even recommended me for his old  job and my now new job without my asking. He treats me extrememly well, he is focused in life and on his way to his Masters and I am not pushing him away in the least.

I also realized that my life was on hold for five years. I was still the 18 year old girl trapped in a 24 yr old's body because I hadn't moved on in school, I hadn't gotten over my ex  and I hadn't made many friends outside of those who were from highschool because I was not in places or positions to meet different people.Though my own childhood friends have mostly finished college and have grown individually for the most part, I've finally branched out and made a second group of friends who are all young professionals (couple of years older)  and I've learned a lot from them.

I had a lot of growing up to do and a lot of healing to conquer.

Lessons & tips:  Looking within yourself and dealing with your issues is one hell of an eye opener. I had to ask myself tough questions and explore why and then go from there.

Resources: Blogging, Wiki how to-,I used it to get tips on how to deal with people, how to be more confident,how to be a better person, how to stop being a gossip, how to realize your full potential, get over an ex, get over friends who are angry with you, etc., talking to someone, or just working it out yourself by asking the tough questions. Writing has always helped me to explore and I  blogged for two years and have grown a lot from writing  down every and anything on my mind .

Oct 22, 01:50PM PDT | 2 comments | 1 cheer