be more attractive

I gave myself a pedicure and plucked my eyebrows last night. It’s a shame I won’t be wearing open-toe stilletoes anytime soon as my toes look so pretty. My eyebrows look fresh too.

I need to start exfoliating my face now, dad just bought me some new exfoliator which is on special offer at the supermarket so there’s no excuse. Plus I’m gonna utilize the offer and buy myself some more.

working on myself physically really helps in so many ways:

1) When I’m lonely it distracts me and gives me something to do
2) When I’m feeling depressed it acts as a positive constructive activity which deflects those negative inner feelings.

3) With each beauty treatment I give myself I am telling myself that I have respect for myself and I deserve to be treated and pampered.
4) With each beauty treatment I am giving myself, I am a step closer to being that beautiful young woman I was in 2004. Yay I live for her!

I need to keep this up, it’ll do me the world of good.

So I have this killer plan=D well first off im mkin it a goal to get to 125 pounds. I am dying my har blonde (not to be preppy just to have a punk kinda hairstyle) im trying new things with makeup and I am using a self tanner. I have been painting my nails and also clearing up my skin. So my plan is to lose weight, clear skin, new make-up, new hair style, tan, and change into more girly clothing.

A newly acquired friend saw a picture of me from summer 07 that I have on my screen saver on my mobile and said ‘that girl on your phone is so pretty who is it?’

It was me!

I must really look different. Poignantly less attractive. Defensively I said to another new friend walking with us ‘remember I showed you this picture when you came to my house?’ and she replied ‘yeah, it was taken when you were like 16 or something wasn’t it?’ That comment really deflated me. The picture was only taken under two years ago when I was 22- I am now 23! (24 next month)

That has really made me feel down, because the comments from the girls were inoccent enough but go to show how far I have slipped from the ages 0f 22 to 23. Even at 22 I wasn’t were I wanted to be looks wise and have slipped way further down since then.

I really need to get back to my former highly attractive self because this isn’t even slightly amusing. It all comes down to my weight really. If I were to drop a stone ad a half right now, I could walk down the street and turn heads like I used to. I just need the motivation.

Well so far i have did a new cut for my hair(hope to grow it some more to get it complete) and I have tried new things with it (will post some pics maybe people can comment need some opinions) and got the braces off and teeth look better but something is still missing and i am not 100% sure on what? so i am gonna go to the gym and get fit and clear up my face and maybe try new things with my clothes and make up then i should get somewhere. Problem with the clothes is I LOVE black and reds and sometimes grays and it is so hard to get a girly attractive look with my color choices so help me if you cna but oh well as long as im happy people cna fuck off=]

well im thinking loseing weight(im not fat but fear it) maybe 125 and lose the acne. i am making it agoal to lose the junk and pop=[ and maybe white teeth would be pretty good

I think that I need to have more personal integrity when dealing with this goal. Perhaps I should think about how it feels every time I bump into somebody from my past looking like crap.

Some people may slag this off as superficial but as someone who has struggled with BDD, my appearance undermines any semblance of confidence I may have. I have struggled with ED in the past and have seemingly recovered (if recovery means put on weight and made a promise to my SO that I would keep on the straight and narrow) but I can never shake the psychological effects of the disorder. I don’t know how how it feels to not think about my weight every 5 minutes or to accept my body for what it is. And the thing is, I know how easy it is to lose weight-there’s no real challenge…except for the horrifying emotional effects. So, weight is my number one concern. I don’t know how much I weigh b.c. the beau and I don’t own a scale. I am thinking I am 135, though, which is terrifying for me. This time 2 years ago was when I was hospitalized and as much as nothing’s worth going back to that low point…I would die to be that thin and in control again. This time last year I was probably 125. But the differences between last year and this year are numerous. I am jobless, I graduated school in the Spring, I am now living 3,000 miles from home and from friends. I know no one and I struggle daily with my new culture. I have a new boyfriend (he’s amazing) and we are incredibly serious. I have no job prospects and have been rejected so many times just in the last couple of months I want to crawl into the deepest hole and never come out. Also, I cut all my hair off because it was damaged…big mistake. I have no piercings in my face and I hide my tattoos from everyone I meet because apparently here, tattoos communicate something entirely different and quite frankly I don’t have the confidence to feel that exposed.
My life is not my own, or so it feels.
It all makes sense why I would want my ED back…It’s all about security and control right? Intro to psych-the fundamentals of the human psyche or some shit. But given enough space, I would gladly and easily relapse because when you have an ED, it’s not hard—and that’s terrifying because it could cost me the one thing I seem to have going for me-the man I love.
Dammit.
Fuck. Shit.

I hope I can look back on this in a couple of months and think, “glad that is in the past”

Making tiny changes is really beginning to make a difference. I’ve not weighed myself but Im sure I’ve lost a couple of pounds as my jeans feel looser. Im scared to weigh myself though cause I dont want to get caught in a spiral obsessing over my weight. Im making an effort to shave although its winter and nobody sees my body but me. I feel the difference and Im realising that looking after myself makes ME feel better.

tHIS CHRISTMAS I’m going to try to get back to the old me: new clothes, jewellery and hair done.

oh goodness I could go on and on about what needs to be done. It goes along with some other goals too.

- pick up a few new hobbies: guitar, etc.
- become a leader
- be more dominant

Already done:

given up video games, built a great physique.

in the past two years I have clearly let myself go. Probably out of laziness and the comfort of being in a long term relationship which is now over. When I first got with my ex, the ball was in my court when it came to the opposite sex. I was considered pretty even beautiful by many. I was a curvy size UK 12 (US 8) with shoulder length hair. I am stating this because now I am a size 16 (US 12) now and have since cut off all my hair cause it was so badly damaged from neglect.

I dont feel sexy or that pretty anymore within myself and although I do not validate myself through the attention of men, now that I am no longer in a relationship it would be nice to feel attractive and maybe get some attention from the right people of course.

I am far from a shallow person, but even I know that I have dreadfully let myself go- others around me have not so kindly pointed it out to and my confidence is up in the air right now. I ised to be considered a hot chick and now men dont even look at me. I wouldnt care if I felt good about myself but I dont and know that I shouldnt look the way I do right now. I would eventually like to meet someone new again once I’ve healed and am ready to do so, however at the moment guys who I used to reject wouldnt even ask me out now.

I have been exercising on average twice a week, but I just dont seem to have the energy because of my new job. My weight and looks are beginning to be a source of anxiety, and I just want my long hair back!