Daily: build motivation, release negativity, express sorrow, contemplate gratitude, embrace creativity, uncover strength

Norma was found dead in her home tonight. I am so sorry for her lonely death and I am so sorry I didn’t act on thoughts I have been having to reach out to her and express my feelings. I was no longer legally part of her family, and there had been no direct contact for years, but I never got around to sending her a note or making a phone call to tell her the kindness I felt toward her and that I had no hard feelings toward her and cared for her and appreciated the past we shared and wished her well and wanted peace for all of us. I can’t seem to stop crying and there is such pain in my heart. I am so sorry, Norma.

i wish i could. i’ve been in such a numb fog the last few weeks, it would be good if i could cry and rage and release it. Various problems of no work, money, my weight, college degree, and events of the past year have left me stuck feeling in quite a powerless state. I barely leave the house lately…

if only i could grieve, if only i could Feel all that is smiting me down, making me crawl back under the covers each day….

alittle “embracing creativity”: i keep making little collages in my notebooks. It’s the only thing i want to do besides surf the net…

And today is as good a day as any.

Build motivation. Well, things are starting to look up. My son has started school and seems to enjoy it. It has only been a week and a half but he’s chattering up a storm. I think he’s really coming along well. My daughter is apparently still developing well, despite the seizures. My husband and I are both working now. We CAN get past our problems, solve them, and put the pieces of our lives back together. We CAN do this – and we can do it together.

Release negativity. After the day I had at work today, I REALLY need to do this. I’m working as a temporary worker in human resources. Let’s just say that a situation developed today that was irritating but seemed relatively harmless – it exploded this afternoon and turned out to involve every bit of management in HR as well as some upper management. I was called into the office of the SR VP’s office to explain what my part was in the situation. Anyway…turns out I work with a major … attitude-challenged person. He took his first opportunity to deal with me as a chance to stab me in the back and drag me into an amazingly large situation with all sorts of bigwigs that have the power to…well, NOT hire me permanently. I’m not explaining this well, but I’m still angry. I think I got dragged into a pissing contest between two departments and it may cost me any chance to get a permanent job with this company. I have to let go of that and move on. If he wants to act like a two-year-old or worse, he can – but I need to let the negative feelings, the anger, the hurt, the resentment…I have to let it go.

Express sorrow. Wow. This is a big one. My grandmother died recently and due to various issues, I really haven’t grieved much. I cannot begin to express my sorrow, my hurt, my loss. She meant the world to me. As for 9/11, I cannot express what I feel about the people lost that day. Or in the many days since. I still dream about what I saw on TV that day, though thankfully less often.

Contemplate gratitude. I am truly grateful for my PILs; they have given us shelter from the storms shaking our lives to the foundation. I am so grateful for the job I’ve had (and hope to continue to work), and the job my husband is currently enjoying (in the same company). I have plenty to be grateful for these days. I need to remember that in my whiny moments.

Embrace creativity. I have really gotten away from this – creativity – and I have to get back to it. It is unnatural for me to be … uncreative, not creating. I have to find ways to work it back into my life. It would be great if I could do this at work as well.

Discover strength. I continue to find that there is a well of strength in me – in fact, in everyone, I think. It is truly amazing what you can do, what you can endure, what you can manage when you have to do so.

Build motivation. – Well, I received my first paycheck today. With that, we are back on a path toward getting our own place and getting our lives back on track. The ability to do things our way, to return to normal sleep and life patterns is all the motivation I need.

Release negativity – Right now, I’m really not feeling negative. That’s the first time in a long time that I can actually say that!

Contemplate gratitude – See my gratitude list for today, but I’m finding that trying to do a daily gratitude list is really, really helpful. It is also a wonderful mood-lifter to read others’ lists. I’ve found that that reminds me that I tend to take some things for granted – and I shouldn’t. So…I’m grateful for gratitude lists and the reminders that they give me.

Embrace creativity – now that I am feeling better, I’m really working at getting back to creating. I’m working on a baby blanket for Project Linus and I’m also working on several articles for a blog that I started earlier this year. It really feels great to create … anything… again.

Motivation:
I deserve to treat myself well and be treated well by others. I’ve gotten myself so far and will not back down. I’m gona keep pushing in my recovery and keep moving forward.

express sorrow:
I relapsed the past week.. disappointed! ughhh.. my strong recovery went down the drain (it feels like!)

release negativity:
But I’m gona keep gettin back up. It’s all a part of the fight. There are going to be up’s and down’s.. just end it with an UP! Keep fighting and pushing forward! I’m gona DO IT.

Embrace creativity:
I’m starting my Pilates program AND dance dvd program tomorrow morning :D New and exciting stuff!!

Uncover strength:
I know I have it in me. I’ve been hiding it, but it’s time to let it shine :) I’m excited!

Build motivation – ok. It is time to get back to work, to rejoin the workforce. This wouldn’t be my first choice, but you know, life sometimes doesn’t allow much of a choice. I need to do what needs to be done. I’ll have another chance later. I can do this – and I can do it WELL.

Release negativity – I’ve got to let go of the doubts, the irritations, the negative feelings I’ve got about the job situation. I’ve got to let go of the irritations of my family of late. None of these things accomplish anything. In fact, they hold me down and back.

Express sorrow – I’m sorry that I made certain decisions as I came along, but hindsight is perfect. I’m NOT going to beat myself up anymore; I’m just going to pick myself up and dust myself off. Time to move on.

Contemplate gratitude – I am so grateful for the help we’ve received and continue to receive. I’m grateful for the comfort of my sister- and brother-in-law. I’m grateful for life, despite the struggles of the last four years. I am grateful for my goal of daily gratitude; I truly believe that it is helping me shift my focus and return to a more normal attitude.

Embrace creativity – I am going to return to a more creative life now, I hope. I’ve really let my crafts go and that isn’t good for me. It isn’t natural. I’m going to hope, too, that I have a job that inspires creativity in me rather than draining it from me, as my previous jobs did.

Uncover strength – I continue to discover my strength.

I realized again today that this remains an area that I need to work on. I’ve been dreading going back to being an administrative assistant – so much so that it has made me nauseous reading the classifieds. I have been focusing on all the bad experiences I had in the past. I’ve got to let go of all that and focus on what I enjoyed and on the good experiences. It is necessary for me to do this and making myself dread it is MOST unhelpful.

• The variety of work I found in the good jobs
• The recognition when I improved processes
• The fact that I could frequently improve things
• Learning about new (to me) industries as I moved from one to another
• Training – I love to learn
• I met some warm, wonderful people over the years

Build motivation – God is right here w/ me. He knows everything and its all in His hands.

Express sorrow – I hate that I’m still feeling too fat to see lots of people. I just wana go out and chill w/ whoever and see my T!

Release negativity – It’ll all come in time. Just one more week. I’m comfortable w/ myself and respect myself no matter what others think.

Contemplate gratitude – I’m so thankful for my new house plans for June! So thankful that the guy I like is in town and wants to hangout :) And I’ll temporarily be workin for my aunt = some cash! And recovery has been AWESOME and still is!

Embrace creativity – Cut my own bangs this morning :)

Uncover strength – I’m gona face my fear and speak up to her today. Nothin to hide or worry about.

Build motivation – I have God on my side and on my team. He’s rooting for me in my recovery and is so proud of the steps I’ve recently made. I can keep going because I have the strength, tools and the power to succeed.

Express sorrow – Sad that I’m still not fully comfortable yet. It sucks not being able to do the simple things I wana do right now. I feel so restricted by myself and angry that its like this. SUCKS

Release negativity – Thats why I’m doing the 2 week plan though. It’ll be good for me. This period will be a character building time and a time to spend gettin closer to my family.

Contemplate gratitude – So thankful for my family, this time, my job, my recovery steps and progress, cousin, and for God.

Embrace creativity – Designing my journal today :)

Uncover strength – Doing my bible verses, and I know I’ll receive strength, faith and endurance from that.

Build motivation – I am hardworking, intelligent, and a quick learner. I am an asset that any company should welcome. I know that I am a capable, qualified person – so I should go into interviews confident and self-assured.

Release negativity – I’ve been focusing on so many negatives lately. I need to let it go – the situation with my daughter’s health is what it is and I am doing everything I can to help her right now. My son is doing fairly well and seems to be improving and we are in a situation now where he should continue to develop quickly.

Express sorrow – I miss my house, my neighborhood, my friends. I miss the familiar.

Contemplate gratitude – I have family who are supportive and helpful. They love me and are doing their best to encourage us and help where they can. I have somewhere to go, now that so many things in our lives are changing. I have a roof over my head and food for me and my family.

Embrace creativity – well, this is on hold for now. I haven’t got the energy, honestly.

Uncover strength – I’m pulling myself up by my bootstraps and moving on. I’ve felt the grief, the anger, the hurt, the irritation – now, I’m dusting myself off and doing what I have to do to get back on track. This is my life and I’m going to live it on my terms – even if it takes me a little while to get back to where I need and want to be.