stop pretending

I want to stop pretending to be someone I am not. I want to be myself.

since i’ve started to accept myself better and understand myself and the reasons of my choices, i’ve stopped pretending. it’s not that easy, though, because some things i don’t even think before i start pretending, it’s automatic.

but i think the key is trying to understand myself and why i do or don’t do some things and try to change that so i won’t need to be ashamed and start pretending again.

the past couple of weeks were great. i’ve been very confident and aware of my needs and goals, so i don’t need to pretend when i know how to stand up for myself. right now i think i really don’t need to prove anything. but let’s see how am i gonna behave during my pms.

i’ve read about this some months ago, that most of our masks are created in our childhood. the adults forbid the kids of doing something or having some kind of behaviour but they never explain why, so the children stop being themselves and start acting the way they want them to be. and most of the time we carry these masks forever.

i found out that i don’t need to justify myself or apologize myself for every decision i make. those who judge me without trying to understand me don’t deserve my attention. i don’t need to please everybody. they don’t even bother to please me.

i wanna stop pretending, i wanna stop lying. i don’t wanna feel ashamed of being myself anymore. i don’t wanna fear other people’s judgement. i wanna be myself, i don’t wanna hide anything and i also don’t wanna tell everything about myself seeking for approval. i just wanna be free.

“if we stopped pretending, it would all be over”

I’ve even taken to pretending to be disillusioned. And pretending I like people I don’t. And pretending I don’t like people I do. And pretending everything will be okay if I just pretend nothing is wrong in the first place. And pretending I don’t want anyone to touch me. Because sometimes there are a few people I wouldn’t mind shaking hands with or even (to a lesser extent) hugging. We’ve got to squelch all those feelings though. It’s all about outward appearance anyway, right?

I’m tired of putting on smile I just want to let it all out…

I want stop tring to fit the fill and brake the mold. Finly just be me and write my own rules.

I'm tired of saying I'm happy when I'm depresed.
          as seen in pic I've gotten good at it...

.. and that’s a nice fella who isn’t always bitchin’ about this ‘n that, or flippin’ off angry comments at the drop of a hat, or pretending that he’s so damned tuff.

It ain’t just the obviously and apparently negative pretenses which I pose – I look happy and confident and together when I’m not, too!

I’m TIRED of being scared to show who I really am. Why did I shell that guy up in the first place? He was doin’ much better than I am now!