Be nice and kind to everyone

about not being so damn harsh,

I think this goal will be fulfilled in my new goal to be fluid, flexible, etc.

That said, I am already doing better at this.

An ongoing effort, under a slightly different name…

Commuting. That’s what does it. Those self-centered, moronic, idiot drivers. (self-inflammatory language, ah, my favorite)Thank God I don’t have to drive much nowadays.

This was the first day of my vacation. I’m hardly seeing any clients at all for the next two weeks. On purpose, so that I have time to catch up on errands. I drove all over the place, doing some stuff I’d been putting off due to the inordinate amounts of time required to drive places. (such as turning in my broken laptop AGAIN so they could re-fix what they were SUPPOSED to have fixed a month ago, GRRRRR. This takes 40+ min. drive each way plus about 30 min. sitting around their shop while they process it into their system.)

By the time I got back around home I was really pissy. Very irritable.

I went to my favorite coffee house to get a sandwich, relax and decompress. In the past, they used to make sandwiches till 6PM or so. Then I showed up at 5:30 one day and they said it was now until 5PM. Arrrgh, empty belly, no sandwich. Then I showed up at 4:30 PM one day and they said they don’t make sandwiches after 4 anymore.

Well, you can guess: they now only make them between 12 and 3PM, and I had showed up at 3:30. I think that’s incredibly stupid, to only make sandwiches for three hours. It’s a coffee shop, for God’s sake. People like to come there, drink coffee and eat their overpriced sandwiches. I would have paid $10 to drink their latte and eat their sandwich. Foolish me, but that was what I’d really wanted. I started to explain about how they kept moving the time back. They interrupted me (!) and said, “We only make them till 3 now. We changed it about a month ago.” I walked out on them without another word. I wasn’t mean, but I suppose that was rude.

Then I re-loaded all my work crap into the car again, and went to my other favorite coffee shop, which doesn’t have those stupid time limitations. I told the guy what I wanted on my sandwich. The owner always makes it like that. This new (I think) employee took my money, made my latte and sandwich, then as he gave me my sandwich, he said, “That’ll be an extra 50 cents for the avocado.” I thought that was majorly uncool, since the owner never charges me, and since I eliminated the olives and cheese—both pricey items. I just put $1 down on the counter and walked away. Again, not mean, but definitely too abrupt. Then as I was leaving, I said bye to show there were no hard feelings. Certainly not the most functional or effective ways to express my displeasure. I guess I had very little left in the way of emotional resources at that point.

Lesson learned: Monitor more closely when I am becoming irritated. Probably go home and decompress (and eat there) if possible. Try not to let things trigger me like slow-moving morons who cut in front of me when there is nothing and no one behind me…..grrrrr, I’m working myself up again. Never mind!

than I would have been were it not for this goal.

To the medical assistant who checked me in for my annual physical exam this morning. There was something about her manner that really rubbed me the wrong way.

I wasn’t super nice or gentle, but I wasn’t mean either. I really tried. I held back the irritability that she (and the situation of going in for my physical, which I HATE) brought up.

She could see I was bristling, but I was contained, and not mean. And I will do even better next time!!

(It must have been something about her, cause when my actual practitioner came in, she and I got along great, and I felt totally safe. I said to myself, “Oh, yeah, this is why I always come back to JoAnn!” She made it all really no big deal. I told her how much I hate my annual physical, and she smiled warmly and said, “Everyone hates coming here!” But she is so warm and non-threatening she just really makes it no big deal. Whew!)

... And then sometimes something I cannot control goes snap. And I turn into a B** with a capital B. For about 2 minutes. Then I stop. But it is already too late. The damage is done. Because I am usually genial, my behaviour is a double blow and a shock. I see the person’s face crumble and I am filled with horror.

Nothing I do or say thereafter, really makes up for the hurt.

Such behaviour from me breaks trust. Trust that I build in people by my usual geniality that I am a person they can open their hearts to.

A dear friend once walked out of my home saying “Vrinda you are not being nice.” He is still a very dear friend. I am grateful for him. I had no business being nasty that day.

I have done it to people I love. People who make my life a blessing. Sometimes to strangers.

I have been forgiven every time. When it has been to person dear to me. I am blessed.

I do this three maybe four times a year. I have no idea why.

I need to stop.

I am deeply sorry. For my every unwarranted act of nastiness.