stop/do more self harm

I am lost in my place and how much I hurt and what’s pain and what’s not anymore. I cut because I hope that one cut will hurt more than emotional pain, I cut to know that I’m still alive, To have control over one aspect, and I cut to know how much I can take because once I know that then I’ll know how deep I’m in. I cut because I feel beautiful when I cut, my blood is a bright living red, it hurts but I know I can take it, and the scar it leaves behind is a pretty mark of remembered past. I wish I could do more and cut up my body, but I know that someone would notice and I don’t want that. I mainly cut on my upper legs and shoulders and sometimes wrists. I’m TERRIFIED of someone calling attention to this. What if they don’t understand? What if they are ashamed of me? What if they react drastic? I cannot handle any of this. I want to cut more and more because one cut isn’t deep enough. The last cut didn’t bleed enough. The last cut didn’t leave a big enough scar. Nothing satifies this hunger of death and pain and punishment that’s growing inside me everyday, I feel like when I think of suicide or cut I’m helping it but it’s never enough. This ’’thing’’ has taken me over, and it is me.

i cut do u today the 7th of june i did it is so bad but i use it not to have pain if u want to talk im me at thedeathof me on aol