I have been self harming for three years, I don’t do it as often as I have in the past, but it still happens quite frequently. I hope that this website will help me and others stop this, because I don’t want to rely on cutting any more. 4 months ago
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(WARNING: Might be too disturbing and uncomfortable for some to read)
I have managed to do well since my last post. I admit I have done it once around that time of post. But thanks to 43Things I have managed to stay distracted from the the urges of doing it again whilst refocusing on my goals to complete. I hate looking down on my left arm because I see slow healing scars, and I don’t want anyone who I care about to see them. I also feel stupid for doing it when I know I can refocus that energy elsewhere.
I know a lot of people probably wouldn’t understand unless they have been through it themselves. I find there are more ignorant people with this subject than there are with depression – including once myself. For many self-harm is an unhealthy coping mechanism but it is also unconsciously a cry for help, to attack your own body so others can see. Ironically people hide these marks because they want to appear strong too. I just want people to be aware of this.
I know I will overcome this. It is way easier for someone who barely did it such as I. Everyday when I check 43Things it has really helped me refocus all my negative thoughts, it is also a bonus to have some people supporting me so thank you. I will be marking this goal complete soon… :) 6 months ago
I’ve started to self-harm a month ago. I know nothing could be gained from self-harm but I still gave into temptation. When I was severely depressed I never self-harmed. Now that I’m not depressed I self-harm. Ironic isn’t it?
I feel repressed and it overwhelms me sometimes. That’s when I turn to self-harm because it gives me the relief that nobody could provide me at the time. Its only been a month so hopefully I could turn back before it gets worse. 7 months ago
A week ago I burned myself, and two days ago I cut.
I don’t know what else to say. 7 months ago
Every time I think I have completed this it comes back and bites me in the ass. It’s been months since I’ve even thought about cutting myself and now I’ve done it all over my leg.
I haven’t given up hope yet, I will beat this, it’s just taking a long time. I think to some small extent the ‘tidy desk, tidy mind’ saying rings true. Once I have all my bedroom tidy and clean then I think I will feel happier in the space and probably calmer. That’s top priority at the moment 7 months ago
Thought I would mention that I have been biting and scratching again. I never do these things to the point of major damage. I don’t scratch until I bleed or anything, though the biting can cause bruising. Sort of sucks. I only do it when extremely frustrated, but to be honest I’m not as worried about it as cutting or burning. I would like to not do it, but for now not cutting and burning is my main, major goal. I just felt like it’s be deceiving to not mention this since a previous entry mentioned that I quit. 8 months ago
self injury recovery is weird. I will feel that right then and there, I am going to cut no matter what and I’m certain I’ll relapse but this part of me refuses to not go looking for a blade. Right when I am 100 percent sure I’m doomed, I refuse somehow. It was like the other day. There was a piece of glass in my make-up bag from when the mirror attached to it broke. Evidently I had not thrown out all the pieces like I thought I did prior to when I discovered broken pieces of glass in my bag, so I picked it up. There was a jagged edge and I imagined cutting my thigh with it. I had no bandages with me but my skirt was black and the color would absorb the blood. I would make two perfect, shallow scratches, then go back to class. I broke the already broken piece in half with my shoe, grabbed the piece with the pointiest edge and placed it on my thigh. I was ready to drag it slowly across my thigh, to watch the blood slowly rise up and then trickle down my legs. I was so ready.
For some reason I couldn’t do it. I threw away the piece of glass I was holding in the bathroom trashcan, along with the other piece of glass on the floor, and went back to class. I couldn’t cut myself any longer. No more. No more. It was the same with my candle a few nights prior to that event. I almost burnt my arm with the flame, but I blew the flame out before I did anything stupid. I wanted to burn myself so badly, so tempted and engulfed by the beauty of the flame, but I couldn’t. I just blew it out instead and went to bed.
I don’t know why this is happening. I am becoming so much more in control, but it’s weird. There is a part of me that wants so badly to just self destruct no matter what, to be covered in cuts and burns and scars and not even give a shit about the consequences. Then there’s the part of me that wants to do well, to not give in to the temptation and be free from guilty, misery and danger. Do you know how daunting, exhausting it is to be trapped in two different mindsets, to have to decide which one is better and to constantly balance out and decide what I want in life, to be miserable all the time because I’m making the side of me that wants to cut angry? I don’t know. I’m tired and I don’t want to do anything because I’m so frustrated with how much I want to self harm but how I’m being responsible and will not allow myself to do it, but I don’t know. I know I can’t do it. There’s no excuse. I have no right and that’s why I won’t. I really just hope in the end, if I make it for a very prolonged period of time without self injury, I won’t feel so exhausted all the time. really. 8 months ago
Do you ever just want to say “fuck it” and do what you’re not supposed to do, even if the consequences aren’t worth it and you know that? Do you ever just get so absorbed with the positive details of something that the negative details become fabricated or softened? Do you ever just become over consumed with greed that you lose all logical sense and self control? Do you ever just wish that you desired things that were healthy and good for you so that it would be okay to let your hedonistic side take over so that you could just over indulge and not be screwed over by your bad decisions later?
It is a battle to just not say fuck it and relapse. I swear to God.
I wrote that 8 hours ago on tumblr. I didn’t give in. I actually got so absorbed into other things that were going on that I forgot about self injury and the urge went away. Waiting sucks because the urge can be so strong, but it ALWAYS goes away. 8 months ago
Done very well. I haven’t been scratching or picking or biting myself consiously. When I do it without thinking, I instantly stop. Been wanting to pick at my fingers. Not doing it gives tingle sensations. Been putting up with those. Part of my cuticle got cut, don’t ask how. I want to pick at it. It looks tempting. I haven’t and that’s good for me. Progress.
Sorry for sloppy prose and the simple sentences. Got to go to school soon. 8 months ago
I’ve been cutting for five years, though I guess I started self injuring when I was about six or seven. I would scratch my gums til they bled. I never did it out of depression or upset feelings. I just liked how it felt. However I’m not a masochist. I hated pain and blood and still do not like pain. I believe it’s a misconception that you have to be depressed to self injure or you’re a masochist. It’s not the pain that causes pleasure as much as the control and the endorphins. Anyone can enjoy it, masochist or not, depressed or not.
It didn’t get emotional until I was 13, when I cut as a response to depression and abuse, thinking it would help. I’ve tried to quit on and off since 2009. I’m really confused as to whether I want to quit or not. I really want to because it causes isolation, anger, guilt, lowers my stress tolerance, puts me in physical danger and causes a serious social stigma. However my addiction doesn’t want me to quit. It says I’m unable to do it and that I cannot control my feelings without it and that the withdrawals and shitty feelings from avoiding it are better than recovery. It’s a constant war with myself, and I have to avoid those feelings. Sometimes I get so tired I give in. I constantly set myself up to cut and then I do it. I don’t understand. Right now there’s a part of me that says because I want to do it and give in, I can’t quit, and the other part believes I can. It’s a sick fight, a split personality almost. I want to be serious though. I need to ignore the other voice better than I have and not set myself up. Fuck that. I’m sick of this shit.
Last time I cut, july I think? Maybe june? Pretty sure it was after the fourth, the second week of july. I dunno. Maybe the first. Anyway I’ve been without self harm for nearly 2 months. I plan to make it without never cutting again and I’m serious this time. No more of this shit. No more setting myself up and feeding into my addiction. I quit.
I’ve been really good about not scratching my gums by the way. Not at all. Not even a bit. I’ve been extremely firm. I have scratched my wrists a bit but not to the point of bleeding, in fact very very VERY slight but I can do better. So far I’ve done really good. It feels like I cannot do well, but fuck that. I can. 8 months ago
Day 1 is almost complete. Last night’s scars weren’t as deep as the ones I had done in the past. I am trying to stop for my girlfriend but yes, it is hard.
Picture I attached is of my girlfriends niece. She is adorable! :) 9 months ago
well its been a week now and so far so good :) it gets hard sometimes but it will al be worth it in the end x 13 months ago
okay so after two weeks i messed up and did it again so im starting from scratch. i did it 4 times in 2 days which isnt what i was aiming for. im really disapointed in myself and its been 2 days now since i last did it i just wish i had someone to help me through it ive told two really close friends (ben and louise) but none of them actually care, ben keeps ignoring it and louise just isnt bothered. i just want someone to talk to about it, someone who i can tell the real reasons i do it without them judgeing me.is there anyone who is like that?is there anyone who can help? 13 months ago
it has been 5 days now since i last did it and so far so good. i have confided into a good friend that is suporting me a lot through it but i need to stay away from the trigger so i’m going to keep myself to myself and try not to be lead back into the corner that made me start all of this. i’m treading on thin ice and feel as if any moment now i am going to relapse and my effort would have gone to waste. 13 months ago
sometimes i feel really alone and unhappy. and that is the only thing making me happy.like the adreniline has something that just fills the hole in my heart but when the thrill goes all im left with is a bloody scar so i want to stop.i have been trying.i havent done it in 2 days now and i think i would of suceeded when all the scars go and i no longer feel like i have to do it to become happy. 14 months ago
I feel like I am finally taking 2 steps foward and one step back instead of the reverse. It is still hard but after cutting into my shoulder and breasts and carving a flower onto the back of my left hand I figured that it had crept up on me again and I didn’t want that.
I am not going to let it win. I’m not sure if the flower will ever fade completely and I do regret doing it in such obvious place. I do think it’s a pretty design but explaining it for the rest of my life will be interesting. The scars on my arms, legs and breast will be there forever too, but at least I can avoid adding more.
Realising when it is becoming a temptation is a great step. It doesn’t mean that I won’t do it again but it seriously helps my chances. Any of you who are reading this or going through a similar thing then I genuinely wish you the best success in beating it.
I’ll keep you posted. 14 months ago