feel better about myself

idk where 2 start or wht 2 do!

Some days, I feel secure, loved, fortunate and beautiful. Today, I feel miserable. I have a problem with my self-esteem. I know for a fact that I am not ugly (in fact people seem to think i’m quite “pretty, beautiful, hot”) but most of the time, I am never good enough, pretty enough. I have an obsession with the way I look, how others view me, judge me; Yet i know, on days like these, I am my own worse judge. It scares me and it hurts me. I just need to be beautiful, to be loved, by myself and others. My boyfriend, he loves me sooo much…”beyond infinity, he can’t even process it himself”. Why am i so miserable?

I’m so preoccupied with comparing myself with others. In this particular time, with one of his exs ‘he didn’t even love’. Somedays, maybe to torture myself or make myself feel better, i spy on her pictures and think…”oh, she’s not that good looking, i’m actually better looking”. My delusional days! Other days, like today, I know and feel just so ugly in comparison. And this leads me to really distructive thoughts like, I don’t deserve his love, his company. He should just find her and be with her right now. This would all be over if i just died. Crazy huh? I just called the cosmetic surgery clinic. I want to fix my eyes, my nose, my lips. I have this need to be and look the best. it eats me up. Paralyses me.

I’ve read self help books and they have really helped. And I been in therapy and it really helped too. I know I am better than i use to be. this is one of my bad days. i just want to break away from it. But of course, only i myself lead me to this miserable place every single time. One word about my lips, or the shape of someone elses will make me feel so inferior and wanting to change me.

I like who i am. I can even say i love myself. i really do. I’m fairly smart, funny, loveable and quite successful and i know i’m a good person with a kind heart. But, none of that really matters to me. I judge myself physically constantly. And it seems to be getting worse.

I can range from having an over confident view of myself, a superior complex, to being this- Just a wreck. And when i look into the mirror (which i was scared to do today) all i see are the imperfections, what makes me ugly, what i can change, to be better.

I find it really hard to have relationships because of this. I don’t want to be a miserable unhappy person. i don’t want them to see this. But it comes out and they see it. And i think, i wonder what they see and think when they do, when i expose myself like this. And i know. It’s scary and crazy. Hard to be with, hard to make happy, and who wants that? Sometimes i convince myself that its EASIER to be alone because of this. But I want to share my life with someone i love.

So this is my journey. 2 steps forward, one step back, another step back, another step forward…

I know i can’t be perfect, but i want/need to be. I can love myself and be thankful for all the gifts God has actually showered on me. Just hard to think straight and be positive and thankful all the time.

I have been feeling so sad today. It’s not bee a good day. I have this cat, who is actually a neighbours cat (I’m not sure which neighbour tho) and for the last year and a half he’s been hanging out with me, I think he doesn’t bother going back to his original home anymore as he spends so much time here instead and I’ve even had to buy cat food as he moaned for me to feed him rather than go back home. He’s my best friend. As I’m agoraphobic is my only friend really. Anyway the past few days he’s had something wrong with his back leg. He came in alright to go to sleep. Then woke up and wondered around my bedroom really slowly then decided to go back to sleep. Woke up again and couldn’t put any weight on his foot. Ever since then he’s spent the last few days sleeping, I thought he’d sleep it off and get better. He limps off out in the day to go to the toilet and then jumps into my shed window and sleeps there instead. went in to see him tonight and brought him some food and water and he’s meows so mournfully and moans at me. He’s not got better infact I think he’s got worse. I’m so sad for him.

thanks everyone for your answers to my question i am actually feelin a bit better. this goal is on its way to being completed.

I want to get healthy physically and spiritually. So I went back to a weight loss program I stopped going to and I’m working on learning how to pray better. I started reading two books. One by Joyce Meyer on learning how to pray and one by Max Lucado called “Everyday Deserves a Chance”. I also listen to the bible on CD with my husband.
My health hasn’t been the greatest and I know it has a lot to do with my weight so I’ve been praying for strength to stick with a healthy way of eating. I want my outlook on life to improve because health problems can do a number on it so I’m again turning to God. I know I’m in good hands. :o)

I am starting to believe that I am a talented girl. Tonight I performed a gospel concert. I played the piano for a song that we came up with. Everyone was happy and proud of me. I am proud of myself because I played the piano well tonight. This talent of mine is starting to develop and I am excited because I know it will take me far. I like the attention that I get from everyone when I play well.

http://esty-k.blogspot.com/

I started a weight loss journal in the hopes that I could actually do it for once, and continue to keep it off. I feel like my self-esteem is tied into my weight. So, in the hope of actually doing something instead of sitting on my ass like always, here I am. Let’s see if I can shake myself out of this slump.

I want to feel as good about myself on the outside as I do on the inside. I want to be a better person, more healthy and more fit. I want to make every effort possible to make myself better health-wise to be able to see Nathan do all the things that are planned for him in this life.

There are a couple of things you should now before i starting writing about this goal. First of all, my name is Danielle and I am from Boston,MA. I get depressed and upset really easily and I hate and I want to change it. This is where I’m at right now. I need help and don’t know where to start.

I am a relentless perfectionist about myself…... and therefore I am never ever good enough in my own eyes. I want to be, but I don’t know how.