Have faith in the workings of the Universe

Ever get a big hard slap in the face and it was exactly what you needed?

That’s where I am at this moment.

This has to do with the lover I wrote so extensively about under this goal. It was a few months ago. I was totally head over heels for him.

He broke up with me very suddenly about two months ago. Since we move in the same community and are both going to a major gathering together, it will be impossible to avoid him forever.

So he came over this evening so we could talk some things out.

I won’t bother with the details because I’m shutting down around the pain and it’s difficult to write about at the moment. Basically we had had a three-way agreement for an open relationship from the get-go. Suddenly, his other girlfriend/parter/whatever, freaked out & said she couldn’t do it anymore. So he dumped me.

I was telling him I kept thinking I’d wished he’d had the integrity to tell her that his & my connection started with her consent, and so now he had this viable connection with me, and he couldn’t just dump me.

He said, and I quote near exactly, he got what I was saying. But he loves the other one and while he cares about me, he doesn’t love me.

F*CK.

God, that’s awful. How the hell could he not love me?? says my emotional mind. (not the logical one)

But it was exactly what I needed. If there ain’t nothin’ there, then there ain’t nothin’ there. I’m not going to hang around mooning for someone who doesn’t love me. The emptiness, the void really does permit me to move on.

There’s more to say but I think I’m done with this entry, for now.

I am really doing much better on this goal than ever before.
Life is good!

I really have to remind myself to trust the Universe and its process.

One reminder comes in the form of my Segway accident, which I recently wrote about under this goal.

Here’s the series of events:

injured R hip in 1987 and lower back in 1996
got chiropractic treatment till there’s basically no pain
crashed into Segway (almost 2 weeks ago) as previously described
hurt back, knee in said crash.
old chiropractor botches up treatment—keeps (insensitively) grabbing at my injured knee. I get pissed. He correctly ascertains I don’t trust him enough to let him treat me. So he refers me to a colleague.
Colleague takes X rays—the first chiropractor to have done so.

Well, those X rays are pretty gnarly. My spine is pretty jacked up. It has curves it really shouldn’t. This places undue pressure on spinal discs, hip joints…you name it.

It is a GOOD THING I got into this accident.
Thank GOD my chiropractor jacked up my treatment. Cause he never did X ray me. This other fellow did so. He discovered the underlying problems.
Now it is being corrected.
Now I am taking some things seriously:
sitting up straight
eating my vegetables
taking vitamins

One thing I am really sad about is that I can’t work out for two weeks. It’s been nearly two weeks already. I can see my muscles starting to fade and flab coming back. I am really freaked out about this. I know it will melt away when I am ready to work out again. If I were to work out now, it would aggravate the existing injury (especially to some torn ligaments I have back there) and cause inflammation and regression in the position of my spine.

So of course, I am NOT going to work out. I am going to follow doctor’s orders. End of story.

I am also really sad because each of my lovers are going to be with their other lovers this weekend, and not with me. Unless the one I’m crazy about changes his mind and comes over this evening. That’s still possible. He’d said he didn’t think he could make it, but there’s always a little hope. Anyway, I feel sad and left out and insecure. Both of the other lovers are 10-12 years younger than I, and slimmer. And I can’t work out.

Still, I must say that I am happy with the way things are developing between my more recent lover and I. I had posted a freaked-out blog entry after initially seeing my X-ray 2 days ago. He called to make sure I was OK. I thought that was really sweet of him. I talked with him at greater length the following night, that is, last night. We talked for about an hour. I hadn’t been calling him at all because of my presumption that he needed some space and not to feel like I was pursuing “A Relationship”. But he says it’s perfectly OK to call him. I think rather than fleeing from contact (like these emotionally unavailable men I’d been seeing), he likes it and it helps him stay connected and realize he matters. Oh, if he only knew how much he matters to me. We had a really good conversation. It felt natural and very satisfying. He expressed his caring for me and his appreciation for what we have. (I did too, of course!) Both of us are in a poly situation right now and both of us are re-evaluating whether or not we want to actually be poly. So as he said, we’ll see how the cards fall.

I’m sad because I invited him over here tonight. At the time, he said that might just work and he would think about it. In his email this afternoon, he said it would be too hard on him given the commute and what he has to do tomorrow AM. It would have been really great to sink myself into his warm and comforting arms. I could really benefit a lot from some all-night cuddles.

But our connection progressed last night. It really did take some steps forward. That’s a really good thing. What came to me a few minutes ago was: The relationship just isn’t ready yet. To be all that I hope it will become, that is. It’s fine; it’s simmering along quite nicely. He’s supportive and caring despite his current circumstances. I guess for whatever reason in his world, he feels he can’t give me his presence this evening. That’s OK. I’m going to be patient and see where this one develops. I’m not going to force things.

The other one, my ex. I’ve about had it with him. He hooked up with a friend of his who just dumped a friend of mine. Every relationship she’s been in has been turbulent and this last one was even violent, on her end. I don’t want that energy in my personal sphere. Also, I just am not that interested in the old one now that I have this new one who has shown me what intimacy can truly be like. My interest started fading shortly after I hooked up with the new one. The last time I talked with him, on Monday, he was really short and rude with me and I got sick of it. I used to put up with it all the time and I’m not going to do that anymore. Today he called me and left a message that he needed a friend to talk with. I, miserable about the above stuff, called him back and it turns out he was only joking. I get really sick of his constant stupid jokes. It’s a way of being centered and not entirely present. Not emotionally available. I’m really tired of it.

I feel somewhat better writing all this out. Next I’m going to post (maybe on another goal) about how I am determined to heal.

It’s Sunday afternoon. My knee is still stiff and sore so I can’t work out yet. But other than that, things are overall really good.

A friend of mine is running for a fairly high-level political office. He says, “I am running on a platform of peace, energy independence, social justice and civil liberties.” I share his ethics, profession,and general outlook on life. I really believe he’s the best fellow to represent us. So he came over today and I provided him with some help to his campaign. Other than that, I have a friend who’s periodically suicidal—he popped back into that today, then got out of it, thank God. And I replanted our organic vegetable garden in back.

I was inspired to do that because I needed some grounding. I feel so intensely strongly towards my latest sweetheart. But I have to step carefully. I can’t lose myself in this. So, gardening and taking care of my own stuff at home, is always grounding.

He moved yesterday. This was a big deal, and of course, quite a hassle. His good friend (and someone who’s becoming my friend) bought this beautiful old house near downtown LA. Another friend of mine is moving in there this coming week. I couldn’t help them move because of my knee. But I went over there last night. I brought them this ultra-yummy black bean, rice noodle and broccoli dish I thought up at the last minute—it was divine inspiration, I tell you. I also brought some of my home-made hummus, as well as some goofy, tacky clothing I got him (at the thrift store!) for his first trip to Burning Man this year.

It was a nice little gathering. I was halfway locked up emotionally, though. Cause I’m crazy about him and the feelings are overwhelming at times. But he’s dealing with some major life obstacles here. Recent separation from family, grieving and mourning that; moving; and a few other things that are shaking him pretty hard. All that notwithstanding, he truly amazes me. He’s gentle, kind, considerate, and fully present. He’s completely nonpretentious. He’s just super-sweet and genuine. And more emotionally present than anyone I’ve ever known. He “gets” things, naturally and easily. For example, one time I told him, “If I express my thoughts and feelings to you, it’s only that—there are no implied demands or expectations for you.” (This was when I was starting to tell him how I felt about him and the impact he’s had on me, early on.) He responded gently but in a way that made it clear that was a given. He already gets that. Another example: Last night he said, in conversation about a friend (I paraphrase), “We all have a small child inside of us who just wants to be held and told it’ll be all right.” My God, he really gets it.

I didn’t get to spend much quality or intimate time with him last night because he was moving, entertaining guests, sorting through his stuff, etc. And then collapsed into the shower, then to sleep. I got to see him spin fire for the first time, though; and my God, he is so damn sexy when he does that. WOW. I don’t think he really knows it, but he is. I felt myself wanting our usual emotional intimacy that he was just too spent to be able to offer. I keep having to remind myself, he has very good reasons, and even so, is still much better and more present than anyone else I’ve ever been with. I mean, moving all day. That’s a big one (and he even apologized for being so spent). On a larger level, there’s the not being ready, willing or able to be any more intense about our relationship, whatever that is. (He calls me a “good friend.”) Well, yeah, after 10 years of marriage, I think it’s natural to just want to kind of sit still in whatever space you’re in, and breathe, rather than rushing to define things. He wants to allow things to evolve, allow himself time and space to heal. He doesn’t want to rush into something that could be premature, hence painful for each of us. That’s really smart of him.

So all’s well, in my neck of the woods.
Onward and upwards…

Well, sorta.
Been spending most of my time over on….the OTHER website.
the horror!!
It’s been totally sucking me in.
My very favorite discussion thread is called
“Bad Advice on Any Subject.”
I think that Captain Spiffydoodle (who has Kevined himself since I’ve been away) would really enjoy that very much.

But anyway…
I shall have to curtail this entry somewhat because a friend called just as I had began to write it.
I did want to let you all know that I am alive and well….and overall very happy.
Just engaged elsewhere.

The thing with the new boy is going along quite well. I’ve never been with anyone who’s so emotionally available and present. It’s really rocked me to my foundations….in a very good way.

I am treading cautiously because he is in major life transitions. Like MAJOR.
But I don’t have time to get into that at the moment…
phooey. Rats.

If you all start clamoring for it, perhaps I shall post my story about how I had a skating crash with a Segway. I got kinda beat up from that!

Much love to all,
mz

Okay, so the signs (with the new boy & all that) were good all week. Emails every day—brief but thoughtful and fun. We met up at this party last night.

Actually, let me back up and tell this properly. This is an amusing story.

So he mentioned he’d be going to this party and I (truthfully) said that was where I’d intended to go, too. So then he said he had received an invite to another party….wasn’t sure how things would turn out yet.

Then as Friday wore on he started to say things like he hoped he’d see me tonight & all. I dressed totally hot, brought my hoops and set up shop in the really funky, cool bar where the party was being held.

Then I saw, out of the corner of my eye…the kind face, the long hair, tall build with broad shoulders. Dressed exactly like I’d imagined he would be. I hooped it up real sexy for several minutes. I saw him looking at me. Then as he was going up the stairs I snuck up behind him and snagged him around the chest with my fuzzy fake fur scarfy-thing, pulling him towards me.

As he turned to face me—
I saw that it wasn’t him him.
Oh, my God, I’d snagged the wrong guy!
“Hi!” said this new fellow.
“Hi! Uh, it’s great to meet you!” I said, or something like that.
Eventually I got out that I had thought he was someone else. “I thought so,” he said. We talked briefly about Burning Man; he’s been seven times. This year will be his 8th.

Later, I was sitting up in the lounge upstairs with an old friend. This new fellow swung by and sat down with us.

“So who did you think I was, anyway?”
“Uh,” I said, thinking I was headed for trouble. I mean, with having mistaken this guy for someone I’d been in bed with twice. I was hoping he didn’t know that.

“Was it J?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I admitted.
He cracked up. “We get that all the time,” he said.
“Don’t tell him, he’ll kill me,” I said.
We talked for a while. Thing is, I really liked this guy, too! I really did! Upon closer observation, he was slightly shorter with slightly smoother features than J. J is a big galoot (I do love him for that), but this new fellow, C, was generally a little more streamlined and flowing in his presentation. This was not all bad!!

After C left I was still on the couch with my friend. It couldn’t have been two minutes later when J walked in. Ah, yes, there was no mistake this time. (In my defense, I must say that the light was much better in the lounge than in the downstairs.)

He laughed, “I heard you were accosting alternate me’s!”

The rat. He totally finked me out, that C. did. I called him on it later, downstairs.
“Yeah, but it was fun!” he laughed. I gave him a whack on the ass, which he deserved.

It was pretty much a public/party night. I didn’t get much time alone with J. It was also his housemate’s birthday, and as it turns out they’d driven together. J seemed to warm up to me towards the end. I got the idea that we were really feeling each other out—how much closeness was appropriate, how much space should we give each other, etc. I did get several good night hugs and kisses (and I didn’t see him doing that with anyone else).

So basically I worked myself up into a frenzy. I became too fixated. Now, my psychiatrist friend tells me this is normal, for matters of love, romance and attraction. I’m not sure; I go back and forth on this. But I can tell you I sure prefer to stay grounded. In the hooping class I took today, the teacher said one of the coolest things. Forgive me if he got it from someone else and I just don’t know it. Anyway, he said, “The heart’s greatest strength is also it’s greatest weakness: it gets carried away.”

Oh, mine got carried away. I couldn’t hardly focus on anything else.

So then I decided that I needed to tell J about my feelings for him. Not in a demanding sense. Just simply, “here’s where I’m at.” And requesting that he keep me informed about where he’s at. If the intimacy is one-way, I need to know that. It basically activates my detachment mechanisms. I’m not one to moon for someone who’s “just not that into me.”

So I worked up this whole little speech in my head, covering basic points at least. He had suggested I call him Sat. nite if I was on the Westside; and as we left the bar Friday night I told him I’d call him. He said “Okay” and the tone sounded positive.

I was freakish about it all day. My God. Couldn’t think of anything else. It was bad. Had myself talked into the idea that he shares my feelings. Which I’m sure he does, to some extent. Maybe as much as I, maybe much less.

So I’m out at a bar with my awesome long time friend Melinda. The alloted hour appears and I call him. I get his voicemail.

He calls back within a few minutes and says he’s working a private party tonight, bartending (presumably getting paid). It would last several more hours and he probably wouldn’t see me tonight.

“Okay,” I said. It was all I could get out at that point. I said it several times. But I wanted to assert my desire to talk with him. So I said, “I hope to see you soon.”

“Definitely,” he said.
That was about it.

Driving home, it was bloody obvious I’d locked in way too hard. I felt that the Universe was still taking care of me, that this was what I needed. I need to reconnect to MYSELF. I am my anchor, my bottom line. I need to offer love and intimacy from a position of strength, of groundedness. Actually, it feels a relief to be free of that pull, at least for now. I’m back to myself.

Perhaps I would have “blown it” had I seen him tonight. Despite my truthful and valid ideas about being responsible for my own feelings, and not asking or demanding anything of him, perhaps the energy would have been too much. I may have pushed him too hard.

But what’s more important is that I am reconnecting to myself now. I’m focusing on my own inner self, and things I need to do to run my life. For example, I was so caught up in this crap, I totally forgot to deposit my paychecks. To pay things like mortgage and taxes. So I’m cleaning up the paperwork now.

I’m not going to call him. The ball’s in his court. I’m not going to pursue. What he does will tell me about where he’s at with it all. Now I’m in a grounded position to watch for it.

So yeah, he called me up and invited me over to his place last weekend. As I posted in my previous entry.

It’s been a (wonderful) struggle ever since. I am writing this now to re-ground myself and, AND!!!!—to really take advantage of all the personal and spiritual growth that is available to me in this opportunity. Cause my bottom line is, that’s what it’s all about. Everything in this life.

I don’t know how much detail I want to go into here, in a public venue. But hell, it is anonymous. So let’s see here.

So I walked up the steps to his front door last Saturday night, and my heart was POUNDING. Oh, and I do mean pounding. I went for a hard skate with a sprint at the end this past week; and my heart wasn’t pounding as hard as it was as I stood in front of his front door. I think I had a vague sense as to what was coming. But there’s no way I could have known all of it ahead of time.

I came in and got a hug and a brief kiss. We talked for a while. I made sure of that. I just wanted to talk with him, connect with him. You know, human-to-human basis. I knew there’d be more later. But that was most important. So we did. We sat there in his living room and talked. About mutual friends, about a flame war I’d stumbled into on our Burning Man website, about my opponent in that (who later ended up hugging me; very cool). There wasn’t a lot of tension; we related well. There was, however, this little layer of energy hovering just above us. That “we’re intimate, and we’re about to get more so” energy. I fended it off for as long as I could. See, I may seem like this wild party girl; but I’m really not. I’m usually willing to take a chance, but when you get right down to it, I’m really protective of my personal space, the deep layers especially; that of my physical body and more importantly, my heart. I was letting someone in real close to me and I knew it.

Finally he said that he was going to crash out. That meant, bedtime. That was wonderful; and, I had to face it eventually.

He sleeps in the nude because the kids (and their possible midnight needs) always prevented that back home. I sleep in the nude when I’m with someone because, how could I not? It just feels so darn good. So we stripped down, real casual, no drama, no tension either. And when he turned towards me I was swept into this whirlwind of intimacy. I am talking about the emotional here. Simply put, I have never in my life been with someone who is so completely and lovingly present. OH. MY.GOD. I felt completely and totally spiritually and emotionally naked, and loved and accepted. It wasn’t anything he was doing; it was how he was being.

I felt as though my heart chakra were swelled to three times its normal size. I could feel, well, how do I describe the sensation? Warm and purring and overflowing. I felt like my emotional container was completely filled up. I felt like it was strong; I didn’t feel like I was going to crack or lose it or anything.

There is a book called “Passionate Marriage” by David Schnarch. It’s about marital sex as a window to intimacy. It talks about being completely present with one’s partner. And how that just blows away any other form of interaction humans can come up with. Well, now I totally get what he is talking about in that book. I’d never experienced it before. I unabashedly drank in his warmth in huge quantities; and there was always more. I tried to give as good as I got, but I’m not the one who could answer whether that was so.

This fellow was so tender, and loving, and present. I can’t say it enough. Later I caught him in some self-doubts, because I had been so quiet. He had MISinterpreted that as disinterest. I’m sure you can see how nothing could be further from the truth. He had me, all right; he had every fiber of my being, down to a depth I hadn’t experienced before. I was quiet because I was so flooded, I couldn’t say anything.

Okay, so you generally get where I’m at with all this. This is the one I want. The jury’s still out about exactly what I’ll get. I don’t know what level of intimacy he will want to, or be able to, reciprocate. I know the signs are really very good. I also know he left his wife 2 months ago and he’s still hurting. And I don’t know him THAT well yet.

I haven’t seen or spoken to him since last Saturday night. He’s been emailing me every day, often 2-3x/day. Brief (while he’s at work; and he doesn’t type as quickly as I do). But consistent. His last one today ended like this (copy and paste):

Anyway enjoy your nap… and I will look forward to talking to you (if not seeing you) very soon.

mwah

J

so he’s with me. I can see that much.

But this is the part where I need to do my growing. The Universe always requires strong emotional pulls and experiences in order to catalyze true, deep growth.

I have to manage myself. Today I caught myself becoming totally addicted to him, and the idea of him. This is not okay. This is the love addict resurfacing. I need to get rid of this. It is not good energy for me (most importantly), him, or us. It’s natural to feel a strong pull towards someone I respect and am starting to really love, in some sense of that word. Someone I’m crazy about. It’s not normal or okay to lose myself in them.

Things happen in their own time. In the Universe’s time. Not on my schedule. The addict in me wants MORE, NOW. He’s been awesomely and beautifully expressive about his grief process, and his readjustment to being single after 10 years. He said the obvious when he said it was going to take whatever time it takes. Again—not MY schedule. MY lesson in this is to learn to manage myself, stay grounded and NOT abandon myself.

Last night, my ex came over. (we’re doing the open relationship paradigm, me and my ex and the new one, and they both know about each other and each has given me clearance to mess around with the other.) It was great to see him; I hadn’t seen him in about 4 weeks. We messed around, and it felt great. I love W deeply, I always will. I can’t help but feel the difference in their developmental stages. I never thought I’d meet someone who would so greatly diminish my interest in W, which used to be soooo strong. Well…guess what.

But I do feel better after writing this.

I’ve been spending less time online in an effort to develop my business. That’s a good thing. Most of the online time I do have, I’ve been spending on a website that’s central to the Burning Man community.

But for the moment I’ve retrated to my own little corner of cyberspace, right here, where I can blog to my heart’s content—and still remain totally anonymous. Yay!!

All right. So this past weekend I spent some more time with the new guy in my life, the one I wrote about in the last entry. And let me tell you, he just blew me away.

The reason I’m struggling with it is that my friend brought up the nasty possibility that he may turn out to be one of those folks who’s emotionally unavailable, that is, what is termed an avoidant. Because they are emotionally avoidant. It got worse when she pointed out that avoidants may be particularly charming and emotionally available at first. “It’s about whether they can sustain it,” she said. Bless her heart, she has my best interests in mind; but she comes from a very strict recovery perspective and in my opinion, tends to color the entire world with this paradigm.

Crash, there went my honeymoon. I’ve had plenty of experience with avoidant gentlemen; and let me tell you it is quite painful when you finally hit their emotional wall, and bounce off, or else slither down. Truth be told, he does come with a fairly salient warning sign, which you might call “two months out of a 10 year marriage.”

But dammit, he’s not actin’ like it. Some other friends pointed out that it seemed a decision very long in coming; and that he must have done considerable grieving even before his departure from his wife. Also, he seems unusually attuned to his emotions and able to process them and let them flow through him. A highly perceptive friend who met him noted that he sure doesn’t have the energy of someone who just left their spouse.

Well, let’s get back to what happened.

He called me on Saturday evening and invited me over. I’d had a strong hunch he would. So I went over there, to his place. This time he was alone, the crazy party roommate being off at a large party in the desert this past weekend.

I have never felt so emotionally naked with someone in my entire life. He just sliced through every defense I had, with his sweet gentleness and complete presence. I mean, he was fully there with me. He gave me everything he had, rather than disappearing into that zone that so many guys (maybe girls too, I don’t have experience) retreat into when they are physically intimate. Like you have the body there with you, but not the soul. This was not the case with him, oh, no sirree. The intimacy was tremendous. I felt completely filled up to emotional capacity. And as a result, he had every ounce of my attention, down to layers of my core that had lain long undisturbed.

And so now I have to stand my ground in this period of uncertainty. It is too early to know what he will want or be capable of. For myself, I have decided that I am NOT going to play the love addict game anymore. I will not imagine that he has intimacy fears and then try to pre-quench them. I will not lose myself in him or in anyone. I will stay grounded in my own life.

I just wish I could shake this fuzziness in my head and let go a little more. I’m going to work on that, right now.

Again, this comes under “faith in the universe” because I choose not to judge any man by his predecessors in my past. I choose to stand for hope, possibility, and healing. I choose to try, rather than to run away in fear beforehand. And I choose to use this as yet another opportunity for my own self growth: Stay grounded; stay focused in my own life; and DON’T behave like a love addict.

I’ll keep y’all posted.

Well, so folks from 43T have come looking for me recently.

Truth be told, I’m spending all of my time
—working on my business
—working out
—playing with my Burning Man friends
—or on a website especially dedicated to the Burner community here in Los Angeles.

But I’m here, and I’m doing quite well, thanks. :)

I’m here to write today because I want to write a few musings about….well, about someone who would see it if I wrote about it on the burner website.

So a few months ago I meet this guy at a party. I saw that he was tall and cute, but strangely kinda vacant. As though he were on Valium, which he wasn’t.

He dragged me out to dance again just as I was leaving. I thought that was cool. Then I found out he’d left his wife of 10 years, the evening previous to when I met him. Well, yeah; this explains the vacancy. It was shell shock.

A few months go by with a few random emails. I kinda let him go because—well, he’s been goin’ through a crapload of pain. It was an open relationship, so they’re used to balancing multiple simultaenous attachments. So it’s not necessarily the conventional model of emotional response to divorce. But…..but. You know.

So then I get this email. “Perhaps we should get together for that cup of tea, after all.” Okay, fine!

We had a really nice time a week ago Friday night, first with friends and then hanging out in the lobby of my friend’s building until 4AM, just he and I. He got totally emotionally vulnerable to me. He was even shedding tears while telling me exactly what happened with he and his now ex. What got me about this, was that he wasn’t afraid of his emotions or his tears. I thought that was brilliant. It’s so rare, especially in men, who are socialized….well, you know how men are socialized.

The next evening, I saw him at a rather raging party we both attended in the Burner community. At first he was in the naked drunken jacuzzi group (not naked though). It was pretty wild and ruckus-y and that just wasn’t my energy, so I hooped in the corner and reminded myself (1) to be genuinely happy for him that he was getting out and having some fun, which is healing, and (2) to just stand in my own space.

Then he saw me giving a (platonic) friend a shoulder rub….and so he came up behind me and gave me a shoulder rub. Oh, God! “Sam, you’re in intermission from your massage,” I told muy rub-ee. Well, I got a great massage for at least 25-30 minutes, perhaps more. Complete with stealth cuddling and his rubbing his cheek against mine. I reciprocated….then he finally left, briefly kissing me good night.

Well, I worked myself up into a frenzy all week. It’s really a bad habit. I should consider not doing that anymore. I mean, c’mon. The guy could be all over the place. It’s also bad for my physical health, since I get really hyper about these things, then I crash from adrenal fatigue.

We swapped a few emails during the week, in which he indicated he was kinda bummed and I gave him heartfelt support. I told him I was his friend first, bottom line. And I mean that. I’ve grown a lot; while I still get addicted to highs and rushes of various sorts, I don’t feel the same addictive pull I used to feel with guys. It’s ‘cause I’ve taught myself to stand in my own space now.

So we were set to meet last night, after he got off work. He called right when he was supposed to, a very good sign. But then he said he was really tired and burnt from a long week. So then I thought I’d see him again with my friends and that would be about it.

We ate dinner with a group of my friends, hung out at a talent show at their co-op (it was fantastic), then hit a local dive bar. I was kinda depressed because I couldn’t read him. He wasn’t letting any chemistry leak over my way. I came up with at least six reasons why it wasn’t going to work, headed by the obvious. Even in the face of this self-generated disappointment, I found it easier to anchor myself in my own space, to remember that my life and my friends are here and waiting for me and they are truly wonderful.

Finally, after 3AM, my friends drifted back to their various apartments, leaving my new crush and I alone in the lobby. His demeanor changed as he turned to face me. Zap—there was that chemistry.

“So are you heading home?” he asked.
“I guess so, unless you have any better ideas.” Then I said to myself, wow, did I really say that? Well, yeah, there it was. I sure did say that.

“I don’t have any pretense for doing so, but I was thinking of asking you to come home with me,” he said.

WOW. There it was.

“You don’t need a pretense, ” I said. He smiled. “If we can’t communicate our thoughts and feelings to each other, then what do we have, after all?” I asked.

So I got the actual invitation, and I accepted.

We got to his place and it was full of his drunken roommate and her drunken friends. What the hell, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. So I became one of them, without the drinking of course. They were a kick, until the alcohol wore off suddenly and they got sleepy. By now it was 4AM. At least.

I’m here to say that it’s quite possible to have a beautiful night (um…morning…) getting to know someone better, without having to rush into sex. He’s amazingly sweet, affectionate, and emotionally present. He once told me, “I don’t hold things.” Meaning that he lets his emotions run through him. This is really unique and unusual in my experience. I think that’s his strongest indicator of being able to heal and come through this painful transition all right. Not to mention being able to sustain other connections, such as the one he now has with me.

It’s really easy and comfortable being with him. He doesn’t hide anything; he’ll basically tell me anything he’s thinking. (So far as I can tell, and I think I’m accurate.) He’s very loving, considerate, and sweet. He has this tremendous cache of the worst, awful-est jokes I’ve ever heard. Corny is too light a word. I guess he’s just a geek who spins fire in his spare time….but a tall and good looking one.

He says he doesn’t know quite what’s going on in his head or heart. We both know there are no guarantees. From my end either, for that matter. We agreed that most people delude themselves into thinking they have a guarantee; but life isn’t like that. In any case, he really likes me; and he promised to be as considerate and gentle with my feelings as possible.

Do you see why this entry comes under “have faith in the workings of the universe”??

i believe that the world works in mysterious ways and that things always have a funny way of working themselves out. i believe that if you open yourself to the universe the universe will provide for you… positively or negatively. i believe in the energy of the universe and in the energy we possess. i believe that things happen for a reason, that there are no coincidences… i have the faith to believe…