stop compulsive eating

I just a can of sweetened and condensed milk. I frooze it so it was kind of like custard but much, much sweeter. I’m gross. Ugh. Why do I do it? Now I have a stomach ache. I need to remember this stomach ache. This is hard.

It was my birthday yesterday. Someone I considered to be my close friend didn’t call me. It upset me. I cried-which is silly because it is only a birthday. I just went to the gym. I want to go buy a huge bag of pastries and then eat them all. I want to eat pastries-alernating savory and sweet. I want to eat a huge bag of them because I feel so sad and lonely. Eating a big bag of pastry isn’t going to make me less lonely. It is only going to make me feel fat and disappointed in myself. I guess I could sit here and cry for a bit. That might help. A friend of mine says, “Cry out the poison,” and I like that. I’m hoping I can cry out the poison of self hatred a little. At least I’m not feeding the poison by eating 10,000 calories of butter and flour.

I just had a mini binge. I keep telling my husband I will stop binge eating but then he catches me hiding huge bags of Mcdonalds wrappers and bags from the pastry shops in our town. It is messed up because when I am eating like that I don’t taste anything. I guess I do taste something. If I have a dozen donuts the first 1 or 2 might taste good but then after that I am not enjoying what I am eating. I am just shoving it in my face. Sometimes I’ll be binging and crying while I eat. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to have a healthy relationship with food. I don’t even like McDonalds-it’s disgusting. I guess I am punishing myself with food. I’ve never admitted that before but that is what is happening. I am hoping today was my last bout of seriously unhealthy eating. I think that by writing about it I will acknowledge how much of a problem it is and finally do something about it.

I still have the major urge to do it, but the point is, that i don’t when i want to. It feels good. I really does.