be more loving, patient and compassionate with my parents

think i am there (well, most the time…)

not sure why, but not only am i finding myself much more patient and loving, i also am choosing to spend time with my parents more, and actually enjoying their company.

i’m glad.

the ambulance just left – it’s 5 am and my mom was just taken back into hospital again with thachychardia. the consesus last time was that it wasn’t angina so not sure what the deal is, my dad called the ER service this time – i was asleep – so i don’t know what happened.

i know it sounds immature but i just want everything to be ‘normal’ again.

my boss is going to freak, it’s the first day back at the office after the holidays. i wonder if this is how the whole year is going to be?

i hate that when Raph wakes up i have to tell him this, he was so freaked out when she went in last week.

4 of my siblings arrive this month for a vacation, thank goodness. i wish i could say that they will make it ok but when their holidays are over they get to leave again and go back to their homes abroad.

someone told me this week that fibromyalgia is seen by some as a syndrome based on being a caretaker of other people’s needs. interesting, but not helpful. here i am, here they are, this is the way it is.

today was my parent’s golden wedding anniversary (50 years). we had planned on champagne at sunset on Chapman’s Peak. Instead at the breakfast table my mom had what appears to have been a ‘cardiac episode’ – scary, sudden, my dad was not home but Raph got to witness the whole scene. the day became one of ambulances and oxygen masks and drips and long hours in hospital. with no clear indication as to what to expect. she’s being kept in overnight and is still having pains. I am so tired, but can’t sleep.

50 years of wedded.. well. weddedness. they seem to be getting on ok at the moment. but with his speech failing from parkinsons and her hearing going communication is not too good – then again it never has been.

i’m taking dad to buy mom a gold bracelet and we’re all going with him to have a gold stud put in his ear – yes bless him at 73 he’s finally getting a piercing. my mom’s idea – i said he would never go for it and she said she can get him to agree to anything – seems she was right.

hehe.

4 of my siblings are arriving for a few weeks from around the globe in mid Jan. they should be in for a surprise to see the old man sporting a gold stud.

:)

for a couple scans on thursday following a check up at the doctor last week. she’s had cancer twice and has been clear for a good number of years but she’s been unwell lately and is heading for 70.

last night i had a really horrible dream about her, she was bleeding great drops of sticky black blood from her arms (weird i know, but that’s dreams for you) and i knew she was dying. i asked her in the dream if she was frightened and she replied “all the time”.

i keep seeing and hearing this over and over and when we got back from the music festival this week end she was feeling very unwell and i have been filled with tenderness and compassion for her (which is not my usual way of being with her).

i will be driving her to the scan on thursday.

father is kinda difficult to get ahold of!! I can’t believe how time goes by so quickly and it has been too long in between phone calls to my father.(he is not big on calling people!) I am sitting here bawling my eyes out over missing my mom and missing the fact i can’t “talk” to my dad but i so desperately want him to just hug me and tell me it will all be ok…dumb huh? Life is a big BOO BOO and i want a hug….from my mom but that is impossible ..unless i take out her blanket and wrap that around me…(i think i will do that)....i must sound like a small child..sorry i just want to get of the merry go round that is called life for a bit and just be held and who can do that the best…my mom!

i emailed my mom last night a list of all the things (i stuck to recent years) that she’s done ‘right’.

she really appreciated it and i’m glad i did it, esp. cos we never know when a missed opportunity becomes a lost-forever opportunity.

sometimes he seems so determined not to help himself in any way. i know he is depressed but he could do something – anything. he refuses to do anything to get out of the house, and indoors he doesn’t read, do puzzles, even watch TV – he just sits and stares at the blank screen, or lies on his bed with the door closed, or sits on the stairs. he looks lost and i feel sorry for him but there is a lot he could do if he would apply himself.

the thing is, he has never been interested in anything beyond his work. never had a hobby, never enjoyed playing or even watching sport, never DID anything after hours except sleep. Now that he has parkinsons and increasing dementia it’s like he is literally just waiting to die. i want to shake him so hard and tell him he could have years ahead of him and he needs to find something to do, but he stubbornly refuses and walks away and sits back in his room, staring at the floor, with the curtains closed against the sun.

to be compassionate at a very early age from my mother. She has since passed and my father is all ihave left plus my 6 of 8 siblings . My father definitely tries my patience because he is soooo self critical and is very full of pain and regret. He won’t or is afraid to reach out to his other children because of how hard he wason them growing up, i was basically a seperate family because my parents had me 8 years after my sister so my dad was a different father with me. I have to work hard at our relationship but if i don’t then i will always regret that i didn’t do more…regardless of what transpired before i was born he is still my father and i LOVE him and RESPECT him so much, i just wish he truly believed that he deserves that. He is all i have left and i just really cannot imagine my life without him ..my world needs him only he just doesnt know it deep down.