I wish I could start all over. Avoid taking on so many responsibilities. Would I be a more shallow person today if I had kept things simple? If I had run around the world, hopping from place to place, reading paperbacks and sitting in pubs talking up anyone who would listen, what would I be like today? If I had made different choices would I be writing with regret about the children I never nursed? The dogs I never cuddled? The men I never melted into?
How did O’Keeffe know to keep things so simple? Modest clothing, no children; her main focus, her art.
It’s so hard to sacrifice, and sacrifice, and for what reason? I have this great responsibility. These two precious children with so much potential. I want their lives to be better than mine. I want to expose them to great art, compelling ideas, an understanding – just a glimpse – into their own hearts. The rest will be up to them but I want to give them more opportunities and more vision than I had. I want them to know what they can aspire to be.
And yet, and yet… I feel torn. The heaviness of the sacrifice. I wish sometimes I wish I could run away to a foreign beach and make love all day and night to a beautiful creature. Ah, if only I had taken full advantage of my 20s. Not started so soon. Enjoyed myself more. Taken more risks. Loved myself more.
Today is all I have. I will enjoy what I have and be grateful. I will help these kids – there is plenty of time to be footloose a decade from now. It will go fast – I’d better enjoy the sweetness of these days now.
