...But do it anyway

I feel so utterly sick of writing my thesis. It’s not what I thought it was going to be like. I’m totally bored with it and I’d rather be writing almost anything else. I find old story ideas calling me to pull out their notes and read over them again.

I’ve been thinking that if I feel up to it tonight I’ll spend some time working on something else… something I will enjoy and have fun with.

I managed my first poem of the year today. I continue to find writing for uni unfulfilling and this feels like a breath of life. I feel like I’m more myself now.

If uni continues like this, I may need to think about giving a bit more time to this goal.

I’ve been doing a lot of intuitive writing lately at my thesis supervisor’s request. She’s had me exploring the themes I want to write about for my Honours from a number of different angles, in particular looking at how I’ve experienced them in my own life.

Which is all well and good, and I know it will be useful, but I confess I don’t find it as fulfilling as writing proper story. It’s just not a way of working I find comfortable.

An online writing group I’m with is coincidentally running a challenge with the same basic theme as my thesis. Since I’m just finishing up two weeks of holidays, I took this week to work on my submission, which, fortunately, my supervisor thought was a great idea. It felt so good to be writing the way I want to write again.

A big thank you to Adar for reminding me I hadn’t finished writing the end of my Honours saga. So here it is.

They accepted me. I finished my job last week and start uni in a bit under a month. I’m very, very excited.

All of this also leaves me with a bit of time on my hands, time that could be employed doing… say, some writing! There a couple of pieces I have that I am in the middle of. But truthfully though they’re what I “should” be working on, they don’t excite me much. So today I abandoned them in favour of working on a collaborative piece with my boyfriend. I knew that if I didn’t then I wouldn’t get any writing done at all. Besides, those pieces will still be waiting for me when I’m more ready.

Well, I not only received a reply from the course convener for Honours, but I also had an interview with him today. Applications close at the end of the month. All I need is a research topic. Which will involve some research on what’s been done already, but which I hope will revolve around mental illness and fantasy/speculative fiction.

I spoke to my boss. It seems there’s nothing for me there in the long run, although there may be some possibility of part time work.

This is the right thing for me to do. I’ve felt so much lighter over the last couple of days. The Countess remarked how happy I sounded on the phone.

Now, to nut out that damn research question.

I’ve been so discouraged with this lately. Over the last few months things have thrown me off balance and I feel like I’ve just continued reeling from one thing to the next.

The other day I met an acquaintance in the street. He did his Honours in Creative Writing this year. He told me his thesis had been published on the internet. So yesterday I looked it up:

http://www.textjournal.com.au/oct07/smith.htm

It’s an essay in the form of a comic book – an original and fascinating thesis. I’ve been green with envy ever since, wondering if I’ve really just wasted this year, particularly in terms of creativity.

My boyfriend asked me last night why I haven’t applied for Honours next year and questioned my motives in holding off. I promised I’d email the course convener and see how things looked.

I sent off the email today.

This is the second half of my plan to pursue what I love (the other half being Aim to make a living…)

In his book On Writing Stephen King says there are two important things you need to do in order to become a good writer: read a lot and write a lot. That’s where this goal fits in.

I write because I love to. If I could never make a living out of it, if there was no one to read it, I’d still write. That’s some of what this goal is about.

The rest is about having the discipline to sit down and write regularly, no matter what’s going on. That’s a tough goal, maybe an impossible goal. I’m only human, after all, and there’s other things and other people in my life that demand attention. Nevertheless, I want to come as near as I can to succeeding, to writing every day, if I can. This is about respecting myself not only by doing what I love, but doing it to the absolute best of my abilities for no one other than me.