stop rejecting people

You are unable to give. You cant give love, you cant heal a person, and you cant nurture them. You cant allow them to love or care for you. What kind of living is that?

I think Im tired of this. I need to let my guard down and realize that they are not all out to hurt me and probably dont want much from me. Maybe they actually like me, just because.

Theres a time to shut down, and a time to open your heart. My heart is open, but my mind wont let me feel.

I did better yesterday and today. Classes were nothing to complain about – although I will be spending a good deal of money on my supplies and books. But I did much better.

I was doing well at the end of the semester. I went away and had no contact with anyone that I was beginning to start a relationship with. I feel like keeping to myself- I shouldn’t. I am even alienating my boyfriend. I don’t mean to. The situation is just that when I get into these moods I’m not sure how to react. I don’t want to be over emotional so I do the opposite. I take no stance on things I don’t know how to express myself so I don’t. I’m just sort of there. He gets frustrated. I would too.

The summer semester is starting tomorrow. I’m anxious about it. 10 hours of class every Tuesday and Thursday. Along with work and taking care of things around the house and I’m suppose to volunteer as well. I become stressed very easily especially with situations at home. This makes it harder for me to respond to people. I just go through the motions without really being involved.

Alright so I’ve started talking to people more than usual. My strategy is Socratic! If I keep asking questions there will sure be a conversation to follow right? Well here is my problem- not all people are receptive some just aren’t interested in meeting new people or maybe they are shy or who knows what. Others will talk but don’t usually listen. Now I may be at fault here I don’t know I’ll do some more work on it and see. After we get past the meet and greet getting to know you stuff I have difficulty maintaining a relationship. Maybe I’m not interesting maybe they aren’t interested maybe we actually just don’t have too many things in common or perhaps we have too much in common and not enough differences. I don’t know… there are endless possibilities. But I did meet people at a party- this may actually turn out for the worst for another predicament I’m in, but we’ll see how things turn out. I just have to be honest and tell things like they are and do not bullshit with the issue. That will keep everything pretty clean? Maybe?

One of the main reasons this is difficult is because I like to remain rather anonymous. I’m not sure if I do this because it is easier to not deal with the maintenance of a relationship or if I am just trying to protect myself? As you can tell with a good deal of my entries or rather, a lack of entries, sharing is an odd thing to do when it comes to personal information. I mean how easy is it to gossip? How prevalent is it? Gossip may even be a catalyst for friendship- a form of commonality between two otherwise dissimilar people- divulging information not of their own but of others to others.

Well these entries (okay the entries I never write online but in my mind and even then it continues in the format I describe in the following lines) are usually accompanied by that cliché high school poetry kind of vibe (you know… the kind where they are spilling their heart out using dramatic language- saying nothing with the idea that you the reader feel everything they feel and see into their soul. If you’ve ever been apart of or read anything out of high school literary magazines – an all girls school in my case – you may have experienced such things. Don’t get me wrong there was also a lot of great work and even these types had some well composed contributions but I digress…) Any way, I pretty much live my life in this fashion… at least in a weird sense. I’m becoming more aware of this due to my art classes? My professors tell me the same thing- I skirt the topic trying to keep this “anonymity”. I fight the influence of narrative in most of my work. I may touch upon it but never follow through. I get to a certain point with an idea and rather than explore it fully, I move on to the next possibility leaving out the details and the next step (of what you ask? I don’t know…). Everything remains superficial. So I was informed that I have to share my narrative with others so that they will feel inclined to reciprocate- in this way a mutual understanding of each other is established. A while back I was asked to be apart of a project that would eventually help me with this. I never took an active role in it.

Proving difficult…