"It was hard, but I DID IT and SO CAN YOU!!!"
How I did it: Years ago, my first love and I broke up on Christmas eve (over the phone) and over something really stupid. I told him to never call me ever again and he didn’t. My pride kept me from eating my words and calling him back, even though I truly regretted the break up. My left over feelings for this guy completely contaminated my relationship with the next guy which was a real shame, because I really liked him and he deserved to be more than just my rebound who I could heap all my baggage on. So after that disaster, I took time off (like a year 1/2) from dating, yet deep down I still wasn’t ready when I finally ended up dating who I thought was “Mister Perfect,” but I didn’t want him to get away. After two years in that relationship he wanted to marry me and even though I thought he was probably the One, I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t feel the same intensity and confidence about Mr. Perfect as I did for my first love. A very smart girlfriend of mine had a lot of insight as to why I couldn’t feel as strongly as I wanted to about this great guy. She said that I was not over “you know who” and if I didn’t reconnect with him, I would always be secretly in love with a romanticized version of who he was to me, and all I dreamt of him becoming as a man. I knew she was right and that it had to be done, even though I was mortified at the idea of contacting him after all those years and seeming like some crazy ex stalker. I knew I had to finally humble myself because it was my pride that kept me from calling him all those years. It scared me that when I was truly honest with myself, I knew that if he came looking for me one day, and turned out to be half the man I thought he would become, my relationship with Mr. Perfect would be OVER. This was eye opening to me, as to how truly fragile our seemingly strong relationship was and this pushed me into immediate action. My awesome friend tracked his number down via the internet that very same day and with sweaty palms and shaky voice I called. After the initial awkwardness the conversation began to flow and we decided to meet up in a few days! When I answered the door I was so excited! Were we meant for each other after all? I couldn’t wait to find out. He didn’t look the way I’d imagined and I wasn’t as attracted to him as I used to be, but there was definitely chemistry so I didn’t really mind. It was near Chistmas so after dinner we took a lovely walk to see all the Christmas lights and talk some more. When we got back to my place we hugged and nearly kissed but something in me resisted. Though I had really enjoyed catching up and really wanted that fairytale ending after so many years of heartache, I knew something was missing. He was not the person I thought I was in love with. He never became what I had dreamt of him becoming. In fact, I don’t even think he became who HE thought he would. People don’t always turn out the way you think they will and sometimes they really change drastically. I had really wanted to kiss him, but then realized what I really wanted was my idea of my 1st love from years ago—not this guy who I now had very little in common with other than us both being musicians. I was able to part with him on good terms this time and finally turn the page to this once extremely painful past. I will always be indebted to my friend for nudging me to do something very hard so that I could finally heal. Soon after, I broke up with Mr. Perfect because I felt unprepared for marriage and didn’t want to hold him back when I still couldn’t say for sure whether or not he was the one. I didn’t trust my heart after it had betrayed me the first time I thought I’d found the one. I labeled it “infatuation” and me just trying to love and except myself. I was in love with the concept of being in love and therefore my feelings were not because he was the “right one.” I was so blown away that someone finally cared that much about little lonely me that I assumed that we would be together forever. In reaction to this juvenile concept of love I got involved with a friend from college who I had very little chemistry with and we didn’t communicate very well. We did however have mutual admiration for one another, and we held very similar views, and had similiar visions of our future. I had decided with the experts that true love doesn’t begin until the “infatuation phase” subsides. The problem was that there was never a mutual infatuation phase. I was vicariously revisiting those long lost feelings through his strong feelings for me. I felt I could never trust myself enough to fall in love again and that my heart was irreversably damaged. Therefore I settled for a relationship with a good person that I thought I could build a life with. After six months we felt like an elderly married couple who now acted more like best friends than anything romantic. Since I had given up on romance, I stayed in this go nowhere relationship for a few years hoping my love would grow enough to finally agree to marry him. We finally realized that though we cared a lot for one another we just weren’t right for eachother. We did however remain very good friends. Well, a year ago I finally ended up dating my current boyfriend and the love of my life! He had liked me for years but my feelings for him snuck up on me over time. I had known him for years as good friends so well that I knew what I was getting myself into. I was getting into a relationship with a man that never got over me though he tried very hard to and always wanted to be with me deep down. I finally could trust my heart and wasn’t afraid because our long lasting friendship and his constant love for me proved I had nothing to fear. My feelings for him are now just as strong as his always were for me. I love him for the kind hearted man that he is and I love how well we communicate and work together. We are like minded and our wants for the future fit together perfectly. And the chemistry…well that’s none of your business! ha ha just kidding. He is also so tender and gentle with me that sometimes it makes me want to cry after having gone through so much pain. I have such peace about our future and I no longer feel the need to rack my brain over whether or not this guy’s the one like I did with others. with HIM I just KNOW. For years I saw him as just a friend but now I simply know that he’s the one I’ve been looking for. He is such a blessing. God has used this man to heal my heart in ways I never thought possible. He found me a love that has far surpassed my first. My past pain now seems like a bad dream that is now over. I now believe that confronting my first love and finding a stronger, more lasting love was the only way I was ever going to truly get over someone who meant so much to me. I’m so glad I found the courage to face my past. I’m also glad that I waited a long time until I knew it was the “right time” with the “right man” who I now look forward to spending the rest of my life with. I have shared all of this in the hopes that my past mistakes will help others to travel a less painful path than I did.
Lessons & tips: My advise may not be for everyone, but it is what I've learned from some very heartbreaking experiences. I do not know what's best for you individually because only you can make that decision. But, if your heart works anything like mine, the following lessons which I learned the hard way may be just what you needed to hear :
#1 Be patient and don't force your heart to love someone else. Wait for the right person and for the right time when you are both ready for a serious relationship. Otherwise, your relationship will go nowhere and will stagnate.
#2 If you regret a break up and secretly want to meet up again just to see whether the two of you were really meant to be, then please don't be afraid to take the risk! Besides, even if the conversation goes horribly wrong, it's way less tragic then wasting your life wondering "what if."
#3 When the right person finally comes along, I suggest giving it a couple of years just to make sure you really know the person and that they are right for you. Hanging out with groups of friends lets you see how they act when their guard is down and they are just being themselves---- unlike the act most people put on when they are on a date with someone new that they want to impress. The group dynamic also helps slow down a relationship you want to take your time with, in order to get things right this time around. I knew my guy was right for me before he ever took me out on one single date! 2 years may seem like a long time to some of you, but this way, you can get to know more than one person at a time and see if you like them when they are just hanging with friends and being themselves. To me, this actually saves time when compared to dating one person at a time, investing your heart in them and then staying in the relationship far past its expiration date.
#4 So in the meantime, go out there and make lots of quality friends and be patient as you wait for the love of your life to blossom!
Now, love is never an exact science so I mean this advice to serve as an ideal for someone to shoot for who desires to proceed with caution and care in matters of the heart. All I can really promise is that this is what worked for me and my one hope is that I may be able to help others seek true love again with a wide open heart that has reason to fear.
Resources: ---"How to find the love of your life" this book really pointed me in the right direction.
---the advice of good friends (don't forget friends here at 43things!)
--- courage and humility to confront my past
10 people found this helpful
Sep 22, 2008, 09:04AM PDT
| 4 comments
| 4 cheers
